My Precious Daughter, Caitie. 

You are becoming an amazing young woman right before my eyes. As you work through your second year of college, I see your heart grow for people and God. You’ve had your first boyfriend, discovered living on your own, set your own schedule and have achieved exceptional grades from your Professors. I am proud and humbled. 

As I watch you mature, I recognize that you are stepping into this crazy world with the hope and anticipation that every college-aged woman holds. I look at you and can see some of myself, some of my past, I catch a glimpse of my young self, now however through the eyes of an aged and maturing woman. And this week, in particular, with the release of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, I’m moved with love and hope to write to you from that perspective, a wiser and more mature wife and woman. 

The themes of this particular movie have stirred up a lot of my emotions and memories. What has been hidden in my soul has been brought to the surface and has fueled my prayers and hopes for your future marriage. This letter may be difficult to read as I will share things that sometimes moms don’t talk about with their daughters. What I have to say may be uncomfortable, you may be slightly embarrassed. However, I know you well. I know you are strong and mature and that you trust me to share what will help you and that I always pass insight to you with love and gentleness. 

Caitie, as my only daughter I want many things for your life. And in particular I want you to have a happy and fulfilled marriage. So today I want to share with you some thoughts that I pray you will consider and take deeply into your heart. 

Caitie, you know I have a past. I lived for years in the Prodigal Nation and was very far from God. It was during those dark years when I was only a handful of years older than you are now that I found myself in situations where I compromised myself, my body, my heart and soul through sex that I knew was wrong for me. Although I didn’t participate in anything even close to what the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey depict, I did just enough. And here is what I want you to hear; Today even after 23 years of marriage, I’m still affected by my experiences. 

What I want you to know and what I wish I had known all those years ago is how pornography, along with compromises in your personal limits in the bedroom will affect you at the core of your being as well as have a negative impact on your own marriage. It may not seem like a big deal right now but it’s ten years from now when you have been married for several years that you will experience deep regret and insecurity because you let images and sexual practices such that are in this movie into your soul. 

You know that I love your Dad very deeply and you know we have a strong marriage, yet even today the Lord is still revealing lies I believe that have power in my own intimacy in our marriage. I didn’t fully realize the insecurity that lingered in my heart just because I went a little past my comfort zone in my crazy and young years. 

So, today I want to tell you a few truths that I pray you will cling to in the years directly ahead of you. 1) You can’t un-see that. Explicit sexual images remain in your mind forever. They create a skewed and unholy viewpoint of intimacy in marriage. This movie creates a new acceptance of abusive sexual practices in a relationship. Caitie, it’s not normal. It’s not good. It’s harmful. And it’s ten years down the road in your own marriage, when you are pressing deeper into your faith, that these images and practices will torment you. 

2) Mr. Grey is a myth. Men like this aren’t interested in your heart and your long-term well-being. They won’t marry you and it’s likely they want more and more explicit and deviant sex. 

3) Talk in depth with your future potential husband and come to a mutual place where you can feel absolutely safe with him to be honest, naked and free from condemnation with regard to the bedroom. 

4) Don’t believe our corrupt society that this behavior in the bedroom is normal. Don’t believe the lie that all young couples are practicing these things behind Mr. Grey’s locked door. AND absolutely don’t think that if you do compromise that it won’t have a lasting impact on your self-esteem, self-respect, on your respect for your spouse and the overall health of your marriage. 

You hold a precious gift in your hand right now. Your self-respect and honor. Don’t trade it for the lies of satan. Entering into the marriage bed without all those ugly images and suggestions of bizarre sex will give you an amazing gift. A life-time of fantastic sex and intimacy with one man. That gift is more precious than all the gold in the world. 

I adore you. And I know your personal moral center would not, and has not, entertained any of this kind of cultural darkness and I pray that you always remain in that center. Thanks for reading my letter. In some ways this letter is not only for you but for a young woman of many years ago who wishes someone would have share the truth with her. 

You have my heart. And know this, I have been praying for you future spouse since you were born. I can’t wait to meet him one day. Love, Mom 

-----

To read my other post about Fifty Shades of Grey, click here: Shades of Grey and a Hound from Hell 

And here is one more article that I found true and timely: I Thought Watching Porn With My Partner Would Save Our Relationship 

I’m writing to you on a Sunday afternoon. The rain has been gentle outside. The birds at my feeder are engaged in boisterous tweets as they tussle for the seeds. My exhausted daughter is having a nap and I can hear the crowd noise coming from the family room where my crazed husband watches and tracks his Fantasy Football score. And my friends, I’m privileged to spend some precious time with you. 

Walking with the Holy Spirit this past week has been full of firsts and fascination. I’m discovering that you must protect the Holy Spirit. And in the not-far-off future I will be writing to tell you about this and why we must protect the spirit. But today I want to share another experience from the conference at Bethel. 

As I look back over our conference experiences and process all that happened, I’m especially moved by the other attendees that God placed around us. Not only did we encounter wisdom, teaching and His presence from the speakers and worship but God placed unique individuals around us that spoke enormous truth and healing into us. God KNEW what we needed and sent each one at the right moment. Wait until I tell you about the woman who prayed for us in the women’s restroom. I kid you not. It was crazy but awesome.

Maria

On the last day of the conference, I “happened” to sit right next to Maria. I think we only spoke for perhaps 15 minutes but our brief exchanged changed everything about how I pray. And now I want you to know what I learned. 

Maria lives in San Diego which is only an hour away from where I reside. So funny to meet her in Redding. We introduced ourselves to one another and I can’t remember the exact progression of the conversation but we didn’t waist anytime and the next thing I knew she was sharing with me her ministry. She serves at the ROCK (church) in San Diego and is part of the church ministry that helps former porn stars escape that trade and find Jesus.   

Can I just say: AWESOME! 

Well she started to tell me how there is a lot of demon possession in those who are emerging from adult films. She then began to tell me about her conversion experience and how she was placed on the fast track to learn to pray against the devils and evil. Whoa! 

She had me at hello. 

Anyway, what follows is the cliff note version as I try to rack my brain to remember the details. 

She said, “Look up Luke 9:1-2.” 

When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 

Okay now get this. She told me that Jesus has given His disciples (that would be us) power and authority to cast out ALL demons and to cure diseases. 

Good grief I’ve read this verse a million times but on this day…… For the first time, I ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT and believed this verse applied to me personally. I believed I had authority and power over satan and his realms. 

Maria's Husband, Rick

Maria went on to give me an example of how this works in her life. “I was standing in line at the pharmacy recently. And there were two women at the counter talking to the girl who was waiting on them. They began to get loud and scream at the poor girl. The tech behind the counter was getting more and more flustered.” 

“It was at that moment that I heard God say to me, “ ‘Take authority over this.’” So I began to pray: Right now I take authority over the spirits of anger and evil that are present in these two women and in the name of Jesus, I command them to leave.” As I watched, these two just picked up and headed out the pharmacy door.” 

“When I reached the counter, I told the clerk that I had been praying for her. She said to me with relief in her voice, “Thank you so much, I needed it.” 

I’m sure my mouth hit the floor as she recounted this story. She also went on to tell a similar story about an encounter in her ministry where a woman was swearing and cussing and creating all kinds of havoc. She prayed, took authority over the spirits and then commanded them to leave in Jesus name. Immediately the woman’s demeanor changed and she settled down. 

My friends, MY FRIENDS, this is what Luke 9:1-2 is all about. Notice that we are to preach the Kingdom of God. It’s our purpose and privilege to bring the Kingdom of God to earth. To cast out the demons and bring healing. ALL of this is for us. But is for us to give away. Never forget that. 

Okay, so on the car ride back to the airport after the conference, I was sitting in the passenger seat and I wanted to pray. So I began to pray out loud and loudly with authority over my home, my husband, my daughter. I prayed authority over Dineen and her home, girls and Mike. I prayed authority over Heidi’s house, husband and children. Man, I felt the Holy Spirit descend upon me and I started shaking and fresh fire lit me up until I broke out in a sweat. God birthed in me some kind of power to pray like this. And I saw results immediately when I came home. (More on that later.) 

I also follow up these prayers asking for the Holy Spirit to then fill the person or situation for which I’m praying. I ask God to fill them with love, truth, compassion, empathy, etc. I follow the Spirit’s prompting. So not only is there a casting out of evil but a filling up of God’s Spirit. Whoa! 

I have prayed like this over many situations I’ve encountered since the conference. It’s life changing. And this is what we are supposed to be doing for the Kingdom. I pray daily now over my husband and children. I pray for strangers. I have prayed for some of you over the phone and in private. 

Luke 9:1-2 has changed my life forever. I have so much more to say about this but I’m wondering if you would be interested in hearing how I now pray? I could record how I pray and post it on YouTube for Friday. Would that be helpful? Would you listen to it? Not sure if I need to do this or not. You let me know. 

Today, on this beautiful fall day, it is peaceful. But I know that tomorrow I will confront the face of evil somewhere but I AM NOT AFRAID. I choose love! And love decimates fear every… single…. time…. 

Choose love my friends, God’s love. Pray with the power and authority that has already been given to you. 

On Friday, I will talk about how my view of Spiritual Warfare has changed as well. Let me know about recording a prayer. I love you. I REALLY LOVE YOU. Lynn

The big three.

Alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, and rage. These three are the destructive sins in marriage that I see women deal with the most.

I share some experience and some insights. I pray this article will encourage one woman out there who is dealing with one or more of the "Big Three."

Lynn

So I’m bugged.

And I’m going to have to chat about it.

I’m opening up a bucket of worms in controversy. But if we as believers don’t talk about some of this stuff how are we going to help one another?

So I’m bugged about television.

On several levels.

I may not have all of my facts in order but I do have my heart in order on this subject so here we go.

Skins.

MTV’s new racy show "Skins" is everywhere. Not only did its premiere episode attract more than 3 million viewers, it's been written about in hundreds of newspapers, magazines and blogs. That's because advertisers are dropping like flies; Shick, Wrigley, and today, Subway, all pulled the plug. That makes seven so far. The sexually charged show features high school students who routinely have sex, drink alcohol and do drugs.

The show is rated TV-MA and includes the appropriate disclaimer in the beginning of each show. That rating means that it may not be suitable for teens under 17. But still, kids as young as 12 years old are watching the show. And many of the actors are under the age of 18. ~From PIX 11 online. 1/24/11

In my research about this show I discovered a quote from one of the cast:

Sofia, 18, defends the show, saying, "It's what teens are doing. It's the way teenagers believe, I think, especially you know in certain situations when you come from home lives where your parents don't really support you or really listen to you. That's what most of these kids are going through."

Okay, so now I’m really bugged.

I have a teen daughter, 15 ½ years old. I asked her today about this show.

“Caitie, have you heard of the TV show, Skins?”

“Ya”

“Do you know what it’s about?”

“Ya, it’s kids smoking, drinking, having sex and doing drugs.”

“Yes, that’s what I heard it was about too.”

I want to set the tone of this conversation with you. I’m not approaching my daughter with a tone of accusation, but one of I’m really curious about what teens are thinking and what is really happening out there. And she knows I write about some of this stuff. So, I went on with my questions.

“Cait, have you watched it?”

“No, mom.”

“Do you want to? Do you want to see what it’s all about?”

“No.”

“Why”

“It’s inappropriate.” Her real answer.

You see she could watch this if she really wanted to. I wouldn’t know. Any teenager is going to watch what they really want to through the internet, a friend’s house, etc.

Our conversation continued, “Do you agree with one of the stars who said that it’s what teenagers are doing. Are your friends doing this stuff?” Now remember my daughter attends a large public high school in Southern California. (Ya, she’s already exposed to stuff in high school I wouldn’t have dreamed could be possible even 10 years ago.)

But my daughter responds, “No Mom, my friends and most of the kids as a whole aren’t doing this stuff. But there are always a group of kids who have a crappy home life that are into it.”

So why am I sharing this long and weird conversation with you? Because most of us here in this community are parents. AND we are parents who are raising kids in a spiritually mismatched home. And we are parents who have kids that watch television.

But we can take a moment of hope here.

I'v realized today that now as my daughter is age 15 ½, all those years of pouring myself and my faith into her are showing their fruit.

It hit me, she is choosing for herself to reject Skins as a program she doesn’t want to watch even though it’s all the talk at the High School.

Parenting in a home where two different world views exist is challenging, especially when it comes to television choice. Our spouse may not be watching Skins but they might be viewing something else that is bordering on inappropriate wickedness.

Okay, so my thoughts on television are just getting going but this post is already too long. So we are going to take this conversation out for a long walk until we have all found some truths to add to our parenting arsenal and some suggestions on how to handle conflict with our spouse when it comes to media choices including, television, movies, books, etc.

This seems to be a very real irritant in our skins and an ongoing conflict in our marriages that spills over to our children and parenting. (Do you agree?)

So today, I’m greatly interested in your parenting efforts as it relates to television. Is it really THAT big of a deal what they watch? What is age appropriate? What do you do if Dad/Mom says it’s okay and you know it’s not? Tell me how you are leading your children in their viewing choices.

I hope I’m not as bugged tomorrow about television but I bet I will be. I have much more to share as we walk this road. Looking forward to some “real and honest” conversations here so we can help each other with this very issue. Be blessed, Lynn

I’ll be checking in and adding to the conversation in the comments.

This scripture started it all:

Deuteronomy 23:14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

If you remember I began this journey back in April and we have looked at what is indecent in our camp and can those indecent items –attitudes- be a cause for the Lord to turn away from us.

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Idol story – Subtle Stealing
Part V
(Click to read previous posts)

A couple of posts back I told you we would explore something indecent which is prevalent today and has very easy access to our homes; pornography. I have been researching this subject and have asked the psychologist I work with here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage a few questions.

Interview with Rebecca Saville:

Lynn: I am thrilled to Welcome Rebecca to Spiritually Unequal Marriage again to continue our conversation about pornography.

Rebecca Saville has a Masters in Social Work and has been a counselor for 14 years. She is a deeply committed Christian and a mother of three. She has been married to a Navy Chaplain for 18 years. Interview with Rebecca Saville:

Part III

Lynn: Is it possible to become free from pornography?

Rebecca: A third person must be involved to help recover the marriage by uncovering the reasons for his sexual immorality. There must be a Covenant to work together on this problem that is pulling you apart. The wife must work through forgiveness and express appropriate sexuality. There are computer guards that protect against the internet invading your home like Net Nanny.

There are marriage courses like “I Promise” which are effective in guiding through a restoration process. There are books and online resources. There is no acceptable level of porn. Just like an alcoholic cannot drink just one. After one drink he immediately reverts to the level of need before he stopped drinking. In the same way engaging in pornography is progressive; the appetite becomes insatiable.

Imagine a hula-hoop around you; inside your hoop you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and decisions. Your husband has his own hoop where he is responsible for his thoughts, feelings, actions, and decisions. Impurity is a habit that he chooses, not a sickness, not an imbalance. Therefore, if your man knows your deep desire for him to be free of sexual sin, then you need to allow him to work on the change. You will not be able to coerce, bribe, or seduce him into changing; that’s his decision. You may provide an incentive.

For some of you, the problem is so bad that you may choose to leave until he is working seriously on his addiction. He may not make the choice you want him to, but you can’t be responsible for his actions . . . only for your own. There is hope. There’s lots of help through counseling, support groups, churches. He’s got to do battle which requires sacrifice, intensity, and honor. Men climb out of the precipice and find victory.

I have found online resources to help you learn more and how to cope if you are living with this issue in marriage. Check out:

Bebroken.com
Troubledwith.com

Lord, God, on our knees we ask you to stir, in the hearts of our men, a mighty character. Lord, give them strength when temptation arises. Stir within them a desire to be men of honor. In Jesus name, Amen.

Be Blessed, Lynn

Next Friday we will start a new topic. As I type these words and am open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I can't wait to see where the Lord leads us. Hugs!!!

This scripture started it all:

Deuteronomy 23:14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

If you remember I began this journey back in April and we have looked at what is indecent in our camp and can those indecent items –attitudes- be a cause for the Lord to turn away from us.

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Idol story – Subtle Stealing
(Click to read previous posts)

A couple of posts back I told you we would explore something indecent which is prevalent today and has very easy access to our homes; pornography. I have been researching this subject and have asked the psychologist I work with here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage a few questions.

Interview with Rebecca Saville:

Lynn: I am thrilled to Welcome Rebecca to Spiritually Unequal Marriage today. Rebecca Saville has a Masters in Social Work and has been a counselor for 14 years. She is a deeply committed Christian and a mother of three. She has been married to a Navy Chaplain for 18 years.

Rebecca, here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage we have been taking a careful look at what is brought into our homes. This series of posts has led me to the subject of pornography. This is a difficult subject to be sure. However with the internet, viewing porn is now an epidemic: Here are just a few statistics taken from Familysafemedia.com.

Pornographic websites 4.2 million (12% of total websites)
Pornographic pages 420 million
Daily pornographic search engine requests 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)
Daily pornographic emails 2.5 billion (8% of total emails)
Internet users who view porn 42.7%
Received unwanted exposure to sexual material 34%
Average daily pornographic emails/user 4.5 per Internet user
Monthly Pornographic downloads (Peer-to-peer) 1.5 billion (35% of all downloads)
Daily Gnutella "child pornography" requests 116,000
Websites offering illegal child pornography 100,000
Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms 89%
Youths who received sexual solicitation 1 in 7 (down from 2003 stat of 1 in 3)
Worldwide visitors to pornographic web sites 72 million visitors to pornography: Monthly
Internet Pornography Sales $4.9 billion

Lynn: Rebecca during our conversation, I believe you told me that pornography is not about sex. What is the allure? What is it about?

(Rebecca): Men are created different from women. Women are aroused by words, touch, and relationship. Men are aroused by what they see. They don’t have to talk to or interact with or have any relationship with another woman to be aroused. In fact, (Ladies, I know this is disappointing to hear) a picture can arouse a man as much as his wife can. Everywhere men look there are women with the latest tightest fashions. Even in church men are aroused by curves, legs, and breasts that are exposed. They are up against the battle of the age-old problem of the eyes. Being male brings a natural vulnerability to sexual sin. And marriage doesn’t usually cure sexual sin. Christian men and unbelievers alike face intense temptations.

Physiologically, men receive a chemical high from sexually-charged images. Epinephrine is secreted into the blood stream. Then there is a memory lock on the stimulus that is present when he is emotionally excited. The images in the mind are there and can be accessed at any time. It takes discipline not to fantasize about the images in everyday living that have gotten his engine revving.

Not only are all men susceptible to sexual immorality because of the way they are wired, some also have unresolved emotional issues that make them vulnerable to inappropriate sexual gratification: Insecurity, fear, low self-esteem, abandonment, etc. For example, take the issue of poor stress management. When stress overwhelms a man, he wants to stop feeling that way. The easiest way he knows to feel better is to masturbate to release the epinephrine, enjoy a physical and emotional high and sleep. That choice becomes a habit. Whereas others exercise, talk or problem-solve under stress, this individual chooses an ineffective way of handling stress. The problem is still there when he wakes up, and the toll on his marriage is greater.

Even nice guys look at all women. Subconsciously in the flesh they have this internal conversation with themselves: Would I? Could I? Should I? To shut that conversation down before it ever comes up takes a lot of training to suppress the human nature that God created them with, but it can be done with the Lord’s help.

Lynn: Many people view pornography as harmless entertainment. Is pornography a sin?

(Rebecca): Ephesians 5:3 sets God’s standard for sexual purity: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

I Thessalonians 4:3 states: “It is God’s will that you should be made holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust”.

God requires obedience—to all his principles. We need men of honor and decency.

Wives, you can (1) pray for your husbands to remain sexually pure and to avert his eyes when someone may arouse him.

(2) Fulfill your husband sexually even though you don’t want to at times;

(3) Talk openly and honestly about the topic of being easily attracted visually recognizing most men are affected by sexual impurity;

(4) Understand that this is not your problem even if your man says it is.

Lynn: What are the consequences of bringing pornography into marriage?

(Rebecca): Many men are ignorant of the fact that pornography hurts their marriage and he needs to train his eyes and mind and heart to behave in an honorable way. The purpose of sex is to create oneness between two married people. Making love in marriage is a celebration of Christ’s love for his church.

Men invite their wives to watch pornography with them so they can “learn more” about how to please him, or experiment more. This does not work. The deviant sexual appetite left unchecked will not be satisfied. It has an addictive nature that wants more. Initially pornography makes men view women as objects of their sexual gratification and possessions. Viewing pornography entices to “forbidden love.” The choice starts with masturbation to a 2-dimensional picture, and the habit leads to ejaculation with a 3-dimensional person outside of marriage. Each growing step of the addiction is overstepping God’s boundaries a little more.

Matthew 5:28 states “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

An addiction to sex progresses through four steps:

1. preoccupation

(2. ritualization

3. compulsive sex behavior

4. despair

This Monday I have a follow up to this interview. A Christian woman who is living with pornography and has for years will share her perspective and the truth that will set you free! She has read this interview and makes some excellent points and first person observations. Don't miss this post. I promise, it is worth it!

Next Friday, we will continue this interview and learn more about the devastation of relationships and this epidemic. But more importantly we will discover the truth about hope and help for those who are affected by pornography.

I have found online resources to help you learn more. Check out:

Bebroken.com
Troubledwith.com

Lord, God, on our knees we ask you to stir, in the hearts of our men, a mighty character. Lord, give them strength when temptation arises. Stir within them a desire to be men of honor. In Jesus name, Amen.

Be Blessed, Lynn