My SUM friends

Hello!

I have now been in France for four weeks, and it's been both a curious faith adventure, and a curious marriage adventure, but I'll save the marriage part for the next post ((smiling)).

I have had serenity and plenty of time with God. Every morning, I read my Bible. Currently I am deep in the story of David's life, and his Psalms (2 Samuel, 2 Chronicles, and Psalms).

Bryce gets up and quietly potters around while I sit on the couch having my God time, wrapped in a blanket. 

But the adventures I've had have really been around the church. I noticed something curious:

The suburb where I live, in New Zealand, has 14,000 residents, and I can count six different churches of different flavors. Essentially one could 'church shop' there.

In contrast, here in Foix there are 9,000 residents, and only one church. Though there are a couple of churches that existed previously, they are not active. There was an 'apostolic' church that was advertised, which sounded like my cup of tea, but I turned up my first Sunday to find it non-existent. Dead.

That's discouraging, Lord. I was sad that day. Where are the Christians?

The only active church here seems to be the beautiful and ancient 11th-century church in the town square. It rings its bells several times a week, and a small number of Foix's residents trickle in. "Is this where I go, Lord, if I want to be where you are being talked about?"

Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25, KJV).

I pictured the New Testament church that used to eat together in small number, gathering in houses for meals. 

I pictured King David, who carried out his relationship with God in the desert and the fields; partly I felt like him, sat on my couch with God quietly connecting on my lonesome.

Then I turned my mind again to this ancient church in the town square, and contemplated the fact it represents the history of Christianity in Europe.

My Dad, who lives here, told me: "This area of France is very irreligious." Nevertheless, my heart leapt when I saw this poster displayed in a house window, in a neighboring village:

Lord Jesus

I give glory to the Father and I implore your aid.

Happy are those who will have believed. Happy are those who die in the Lord.

The heavenly Father wants that all are saved. He has given us Jesus for that purpose. He was resurrected to open up the way for us. Don't ignore this essential event in the history of humanity. The consequences of sin are death. Don't delay to purify ourselves and to turn to him. He does not turn those away who come to him.

Ahhh. Even when an area seems 'irreligious', there will be a remnant.

That ancient church here in Foix runs a 'Cafe for friends' on a Wednesday and Thursday. Not only have I wanted to connect with Christians, I have also wanted to talk to French people. So, with a dose of curiosity, I went.

I walked into the room: There sat three older woman, two older men, and a younger woman. 'Welcome, welcome!' they said, in French.

I joined their table, and their chat. "Oranges?" one of them said, kindly, holding out a plate of fruit to me.

The younger woman had just become Christian the previous year. The older ones had been Christian for years, but one had converted late in life and it had changed her whole life. "Je comprends," I nodded, leaning forward, "I understand." I sure did understand that.

We sat and talked a little about what it looks like to have an encounter with God, and what it looks like to "have Jesus deeply in your heart". The young woman needed some encouragement in her faith; the older ones lent it. 

I left hopeful. Sometimes God places us in entirely new settings. And that little 'Cafe for Friends' has now become one of my little 'go-to' places in Foix.

Well, that's me. What is the church scene like where you live?

Love you all,

Ann

My friends,

We're writing about boundaries in marriage; and to catch up, here are the previous posts:

Boundaries in marriage: Part one

Boundaries in marriage: Part two

On Monday we talked about how important it is to guard our own oil -- that is, guard our own connection with God, our own flame for him, our own infilling of the Holy Spirit. In a spiritually mismatched marriage our spouse can pull us away from that -- even if they don't mean to -- so we do have to take steps to fight for it.

So, what are some healthy boundaries that we can put in place to protect our own oil?

For me, this has taken two forms:

(1) I fight to protect my personal time with God

(2) I fight to protect my connections with the church

Fight to protect time with God

Our spouses will often, quite rightly, want our time; and in honor of marriage we should give that to them generously -- IF they want it. But that can come at the expense of our quiet time with God. Remember COVID lockdown? I don't know about you, but I struggled to connect with God when Bryce and I were constantly in each other's space. Well, Bryce and I are once again together 24/7 now as he is not working, so I am currently having to think through what is reasonable for me to ring-fence, in terms of my own personal time.

A couple of weeks ago Bryce -- newly unemployed -- came into the bedroom where I was sat reading my Bible. He was ready to start the day -- And I was in my God space. "So, how's this going to go?" he said. "There's you, sitting in bed reading, and here's me, wanting to do stuff with you -- Can we chat about this?"

"Ok!" I said. "Look, in the mornings before I hang out with you I'm going to need a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, then another coffee and four chapters of the Bible. After that I'm all yours!"

"Mm."

"I need it."

"Mm. OK"

So that's how it goes. He's since been coming in and saying "Are you on your first, second or third cup so far? Just so I can plan..."

I have told him it's non-negotiable; that I won't be well and happy unless I have that time. And that is my boundary.

I know other SUMites have said they've been criticised by their spouses when in prayer or with a Bible. Perhaps a boundary there might be to swallow the fear of their views and press in: Keep the Bible open, and keep going. After all, what harm does it do them? Press in to know the Lord, against all the odds!

Oh, that we might know the LORD! Let us press on to know him (Hosea 6:3, NLT)

Fight to protect connections with the church

The second boundary is around church. I think many of us have had a season in our SUM walk when we've stayed away from church for weeks on end to please our spouse. Uggh, well I have.

But the longer this SUM walk continues, the more I become like tough old boots on this one, and my boots must be on the ground in church. Attending church -- in some form -- is so critical to our spiritual life, and to the Body of Christ, that it's perfectly OK to say to our spouse that our church attendance is non-negotiable.

In fact, if a spouse is saying to their significant other that they cannot attend church, I would argue that's the kind of control that we should be careful not to bow to. After all, God loves freedom and wants us to be free; not bound in chains to the whims of another human being. 

Us SUMites need church more than most. Because we have unbelief at home we need to put ourselves into the oasis of church to keep ourselves spiritually alive. The same goes for Christian friendships and connections who pour spiritual influence into souls: Keep those relationships thriving -- As long as they don't take away anything from our precious marriage.

With all that said, then, we hold tight to those good things that help our faith life -- Because they are our oil.

My friends, have you had to put boundaries in place around church or your time with God? I'm looking forward to hearing about your experiences! 

Love

Ann

Photo courtesy of Pexels.com and Matheus Bertelli

Hello! Ian from sunny Sydney here. In the last few days, I’ve been reflecting on my observations of the group of us who joined Ann and Lynn for a few days of fellowship and attending the Bethel conference last month.

One point particularly struck me: we need each other. Both within the SUMite community and wider church community in which we may participate.

We’ve often talked about the challenges in our situations of being active participants in a Christian community. For many years, in fact too many, I chose to minimise my engagement in church life. As a result, I didn’t develop any meaningful relationships with other believers. I was doing life with Jesus alone.

And it was hard work.

God’s a Community

God is communal in His very nature- three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And we are formed in His image. We were made to be communal. Irrespective of whether we’re introverts and find greater enjoyment being by ourselves, there is a deep yearning with us to become all we were made to be. This can only be realised with others. We limit ourselves, our relationship with God, and our families and friends, if we choose to walk alone.

In addition, the enemy loves those who are separated from the pack. We see it in the animal world.  We become easier pickings if we are always walking alone. There’s no natural defensive barrier that being part of a group (even a small one) provides. It’s something the enemy aims to do to all of us – separate us. And we SUMites, in some way, can feel we are ‘automatically’ separated from the church community because of our marriage situation. Once again, I believe that is a way of thinking the enemy wants us to believe.

Yes, there are many challenges with participating freely in a church community, of any size. But we can tend to rely on ourselves when God wants us to depend on Him. I did for years. I allowed myself to believe the lies and was easy picking for the enemy.

I know years back when I joined a prayer team at my previous church, my world changed. And I believe that can happen for all of us. If we surrender to God and let Him take charge.

God Loves the Church

We’re not designed to walk this life as a believer alone. Most of us have our challenges attending a church community due to our marriage. For some of us, over time, it’s gotten easier. I’m in that situation. My wife appreciates how it’s healthy for me and will encourage me to attend if I haven’t for a few weeks.

What struck me with the group that attended the SUMite gathering was that it probably wasn’t easy for any of them to be there. For whatever reason. But they gave it to the Lord and He made a way. He does that. Because He loves community. God wants each one of us gathering with other Christians. Why do I know? Because it’s how Jesus lived.

Throughout most of the gospels, we don’t see Jesus spending a lot of time in church. He hung out with the sick, broken-hearted, widowed, and disenfranchised. He had dinner with tax collectors and the like.

However, he had a close-knit group of friends who were believers. His disciples. That group was large when you add all the others that are mentioned occasionally. And yes, many of his close followers were women as evidenced by those whom the resurrected Jesus first met at the tomb.

God wants us to be in relationship with others. He’ll help make it happen if we give it over to Him. His faithfulness knows no bounds.

For too many years, I sat defeated believing I couldn’t receive the blessings from church community because of my marriage. It’s a lie. God will help us if we give it over to Him. Why? Because He loves the church. He made us to be with others.

Please know that God understands our situations. He really does. And He wants us to meet with other Christians.  Maybe, it’s only one or 2 for coffee during the week. Great! Do it. Over time, you’ll see what a difference it makes both for you and your marriage. His ways are not our ways. They’re so much better.

“Living in God’s presence is something we do together. Being connected to the family of God isn’t just an added benefit; we actually need each other to keep living in Him.” – Kenneth Boa

If this post has sparked something in you, please share with us below. If you’re struggling to see how any of this is possible, please share it if you’re able. Perhaps you’re nervous about sharing in the comments. Send an email and only Lynn or Ann will see it. Or message another you know.

There really is a lot of light available in a SUMite marriage … God is so so good and all things really are possible in Him for those of us who believe.

Grace and peace, dear friends

After our recent pair of posts on friendships, a long-time friend of this ministry, Jim Edwards, was inspired to write a third piece to it. So without further ado, I hand over to Jim --

**

Friendships -- A Christian Perspective

I’ve been much mused at Ian and Ann’s wonderful descriptions of our different friendships and conversation styles, man to man, and women to women. So I started tossing around in my mind how would Christian to Christian conversation compare…. As a man, I’m not interested in girlie things, and I struggle with many men just as Ian so beautifully describes as I’m not really interested in their things either.

But there’s a passion and intensity behind the topics that interest me such as:

• How did you come to meet Jesus, and the wonder, the joy, and the fruit of this intimacy with Him, and just what does that looks like?
• How do we express that, especially with our words but in wider ways too?
  •             to our spouse
  •             to our children
  •             to our friends and work colleagues
  •             to our neighbors
• Our adoption into His family and the covenantal bond behind that adoption, and hence the power of His promises to us (Hebrews 6:16-18).

Then there’s the presence and power of Holy Spirit living in us and outworking His gifts and grace through us (Romans 8:9). This naturally spills out into topics like:

• The power of our words, for good or for evil,
• How prophetic words carry Holy Spirit power to bring them about.
• The importance of our heavenly language to build up our spirit being – like an exercise machine for working out our spirits.
• The healings we have seen or personally experienced whether they be of body, mind or spirit, and our longings to see so much more.
• How Holy Spirit is such a comforter to us in times of loneliness hurt and pain (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
• His destiny for each one of us, and what does that look like for you.
• Your longings and dreams and how they align with His plans and purposes.
• The difficulty of taking His incredible promises to heart and believing them (Ephesians 3:20).
• How the Lord gives and never, never ever takes away – Oh that’s a fun one! Romans 11:29: “All of His gifts and callings on our lives are irrevocable.”

And how we so readily leave the most important till last – just how can I help, draw you closer to Him, and bring His healing to those sore and hurting places.

I’m looking forward to picking Ann up at SFO and driving across to Lynn’s place. I’m expecting a very animated conversation as we compare our very different experiences of the same King Jesus, from our very different backgrounds.

I saw I was mentioned in the Facebook posts on the meet-up – I’m a Brit widower, who first met Lynn on her second visit to Bethel’s Open Heaven Conference many years ago and we’ve remained good friends ever since. I’ve contributed the occasional comment to the blog posts down the years and love the many aspects of Lynn’s ministry, so some will know me.

I love Bethel so much I bought a place near the church, just last summer, so I could spend more time there and become part of the Bethel family. Jesus tells the parable of a man who found a field with some treasure in it, so he sold all that he had to buy the field. This house is my field, and Bethel the treasure – I count it a wonderful privilege to have been able to do this.

I’m a writer and will have some books to give to each of you that are coming to Lynn’s, and I’m very much looking forward to meeting you all.

If I can help any of you on your journey to Open Heaven, or your time in Redding then do please ask. I will have at least two places in the car driving up on Wednesday morning, if you’re up for 2-3 hours of animated conversation.

Jim Edwards is a long-time friend of the SUM ministry. He lives in Selsey, on the south coast of the UK, and has a beautiful family of four grown children and two grandchildren. Now retired, he enjoys writing, travelling - especially to America, where his grandchildren live -- and, of course, spending time with the Lord. His website is here - www.landbreathingt.com

Dear SUM community,

I am knitted to you.

I am committed to you.

I say this as a motto as we embark on chapter four of our study of Ephesians; and I say it because one of the well-known themes of the book of Ephesians is unity. It is in this particular chapter that Paul brings that -- unity -- to life.

We are knitted + committed to one another.

My friends, I think that's one reason we struggle so much in a spiritually mismatched marriage: It's that we feel truly knitted to the church. As Ian said on Monday, church is very, very important to God. 

Yet, our spouse pulls us back from that, and so unity with the church becomes something we have to fight for.

Of course, we fight for our marriages too, critically so. Paul addresses that next, in chapter 5. But for today let's consider unity with the church.

If you would, read Ephesians 4 now, and then we'll snack on a few verses. 

First, I just love that image of being knitted with you, and the other Christians who God has brought into my life purposely. It's like we're joined by ligaments, muscles, skin, and deeply threaded around each other. 

...Christ -- from whom the whole body joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love (v. 16, NKJV)

... the Head, from whom all the body nourished and knit together by joints and ligaments, grows with the increase that is from God. (Colossians 2:19, NKJV)

This 'being knitted' means I must care for your best. We must care for each other's best. 

Practically, for me, I can see that God has put certain people in my life who are meant to be there. For a start, you the SUM community are important to me. The SUM leaders are special people to me alongside that. Then there's a lady I lead the prayer team with at my house: She's important to me, even though I don't know her well. And there are other friends who God has put in my life, about whom I can say: 'I've got your back'.

The whole body of Christ is important, but certain people are pointed out to us in our lives because God asks us to steward certain things with them, or steward the relationship itself. And I'll fight for those relationships if they're attacked.

In the chapter we're looking at now, Paul gives us many pointers about how to walk in unity. It's perhaps summed up best by the last verse which reads:

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (v. 32, NKJV)

But what about those Christians who are 'difficult'? What then? What if someone makes it really difficult to be in unity with them?

Lynn gave me a great prayer once for this. She suggested we bless a difficult relationship with a spirit of unity and cooperation.  Let's not underestimate the power of our words when we do that. So, we can say (behind their backs):

I bless you, and my relationship with you, with a spirit of unity and cooperation.

That said, Paul said you should note those who cause divisions and offences and avoid them (Romans 16:17). That's ok: We don't have to be knitted around everyone, and some people in the church are too divisive to be in relationship with. We can still love them from afar.

BUT, back to being positive because this chapter is deliciously glorious: Our chapter speaks of how there is one Spirit, from whom we drink. We are to walk as if we celebrate and remember that Spirit, and especially as we see it in others.

I'll finish with Paul's words there:

I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling;

One Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. (Ephesians 4:1-6, NKJV)

My friends, what experiences have you had of being knitted together with other believers? Let's chat more!

Love,

Ann

My friends

My dream came true.

This is actually me, Ann, writing these words. Because one of my two children gave their life to Jesus two weeks ago now:

My son, Miles, who is 17.

... And ever since then I've been pinching myself.

I don't even know how to write about it, but I'm going to try. It is a HUGE deal. As a mother, it is the hugest of deals. And it is hard to convey that in writing.

But today, I will try to tell you about it, and all I can say is that it was all God's doing. 

This is the word of the Lord to Zerubabbel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' Says the Lord of hosts. Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubabbel you shall become a plain! (Zechariah 4:6-7, NKJV)

If it can happen to one this miraculously it will happen to the other two too. If it can happen to my son, it can happen to my husband. This thing is that miraculous.

Two years ago Miles started attending youth group and church with me, out of the blue. That was a miracle. Prior to then I had had zero success in getting any of my three family members to church and, quite honestly, I felt like a failure on that front. Even amongst those who are SUMites I always felt like I was the one doing the worst job!

Now, I shouldn't think that way, I know that, especially amongst you guys. I don't want you to think that way about yourselves either. Please don't! For God knows how hard this thing is. It's a lie: We are enough.

With that settled, here's the story:

I delighted that Miles had begun attending church with me, but for him the drawcard was really social. I could see that. I knew that he hadn't yet had his 'moment'. 

I bought him a Bible, and I wrote in the cover of it ...

To Miles, from Mum and Dad, 1st April 2021.

Yes, I wrote the words 'from Mum and Dad', not just 'Mum'. Because.

But then the Bible proceeded to stay untouched on his bedside table for another TWO YEARS! I didn't move it, nor did he. When I'd go up to clean his room there it would be week after week gathering dust. 

At church, the young people made sweatshirts that had the words 'Jesus Freak' on them. They were hip and lively, these young people, all of them were wearing those sweatshirts. So Miles and I bought one each.

Here's Miles, during lockdown, wearing said sweatshirt with his brother and Dad. And then scroll down a bit further and you'll see another photo of Miles and me wearing them too. 

Honestly, even wearing those sweatshirts in front of Bryce took serious guts on my part. You get that, I know. 

So that's where we got to: Two years of church attendance together, Miles and I; yet I knew that he hadn't yet been convicted by God. I kept it pretty easygoing: On the days he wanted to sleep in I made the choice not to push him at all. I also didn't verbalize to him what he *needed* to be doing spiritually.

I played it as cool as I have done with Bryce: Gently, gently does it with a teenager, just like with a husband.

Truthfully, it was actually too hard for me to say anything to him. The issue was too intense for me, just like it's been with Bryce.

So the months raced by, and then we came to a baptism event a few weeks ago where two of Miles' young friends got baptized. The whole church gathered to watch the baptisms of those two young people, myself included. But a part of me battled difficult feelings. Out of love I deliberately celebrated those other teens and their spiritual 'success', but it was hard that my own child wasn't the one in the baptismal pool.

I stood and held my phone out to record the prayers that were spoken over those two teens that afternoon so I could send them to them later.

And God said back:

Look after My house and I'll look after yours.

Well, everything happens according to God's perfect timing.

My friends, I will continue the wonderful story on Monday. Be assured that what came next only God could have done. And for your part, thank you for joining in and listening to my story.

Ann

Friends, Ann here!

I have a rather interesting event to tell you about, which I know you will relate to: It's of SUM flavor.

Last weekend my boys flew to England to stay with their grandparents for two weeks, which was a first for them. It was a big deal for them to travel that far by themselves, 24 hours by plane. And, while they've been gone, Bryce and I have been hanging out as a couple together again, no kids. That's been very sweet.

But here's the interesting thing that happened:

Bryce and I went to church together.

Now, I know many of you do have spouses who go to church with you, but for us this has not happened in the ten years that I've been following Jesus, nor has it been a likely scenario. Bryce has actually said to me previously that he really did not want to walk through the doors of a church any time soon. So this 'stepping over the threshold of a church' was a first.

Now, I can't exactly claim that this happened of his own choosing -- It didn't. And, dare I say it, I forced his hand a bit. Is it ok for us to do that? I always try to honor my hubby's free will, but honestly I've been so gentle with him perhaps it's ok to sometimes take matters into hand and dare to be a bit annoying, LOL.

Anyway .. What happened was, Bryce suggested that while the kids were gone we go and stay overnight with an old friend of his in a different city -- A much-loved friend from teenagehood. As it happened, this friend and his wife were Christian, and so church came up in the conversation naturally after we arrived at their house, while we were sitting around eating cake and drinking tea.

Well, at the mention of church, 'bold Ann' came into play. I decisively said: "We'll go to church with you tomorrow." 

"You will?" said the friend's wife. "Oh good! We've just started going to a new one and that'll be really nice having you with us."

That night as we were getting into bed Bryce said, "So you lined me up for going to church did you?" And that was that.

Well, the next day off we went: The four of us bundled into one car and drove together to this church, chatting away as we drove. Then, still chatting, out we bundled, walked down the street and lo and behold without overthinking it Bryce and I stepped over the threshold of said church together.

How's this going to be? I thought to myself.

Well, in answer to that, all I can say is it felt 'unremarkable'. Church felt unremarkable, Bryce's reaction was unremarkable, and my experience of church also was unremarkable that day.

The church itself might have been having an 'unremarkable' day, because it was honestly the quickest and simplest service possible. Who knows, perhaps God did that on purpose. Only three songs got sung, a prayer got said, an extremely relatable short sermon got given by an equally relatable young mum in her thirties, who was standing in for the pastor. Then she said 'That's it for today', and off everyone went ... without even singing a final song. We didn't stay and talk, we walked out the door, and off we went for coffee and croissants with our friends.

"Did you cope?" I asked Bryce later. "There wasn't exactly much that was difficult to cope with," he said, and smiled.

Was it an important moment? Only God knows. 

During the service I nipped out quickly and noted the huge letters I saw written on the wall in the foyer:

God is good and his love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations.

I guess that's all I need to know.

Hope you liked that story. Do you ask your spouse to come to church with you?

Ann

Hello friends! Would you believe it, I still have more to write on the topic of Navigating Church. Are you still with me? Isn't it amazing that one topic can spawn so many posts!

Here are the posts on this topic so far:

When it's challenging to attend church

Phases of our church life

What to do when we feel offended by the church

What the spiritually mismatched bring to church

The power of church family

Friendships with Christians of the opposite sex

Now, today I want to talk about finding a church family. What do we look for when finding a church?

I've mentioned before that in 2021 the church I was attending closed. Yikes, what a thing to happen! The pastor simply lost his vision for the church and felt that we were meant to all disband. Strangely, I felt it was a God thing. God works unusually sometimes.

Something interesting happened next. As we disbanded, God seemed to show each person where they were meant to go next, and he put us into some quite varied churches.

One of us, for example, was a SUMite. She felt that God was leading her to attend the local mega-church, an enormous glittering presence in the inner-city of Auckland. Her response to that was 'Crikey, NO!' as she had formed a bad opinion of mega-churches. However, good on her for following God's lead because weeks later her non-believing husband gave his life to the Lord in the walls of said mega-church!!! 

((Let's just pause and take that in for a minute)).

God knows best. 

From all that, I say the key is to simply ask God 'What church do you want me in?' It's as simple as that. Ask him to give you a sign or two to help you figure it out. 

It's all about where God wants you. 

God will have a job for you to do in the church family of his choosing. Your job might be to care for the bruised and broken body of Christ in a less-than-perfect church, in which case you might have some differences with the church. Or, more comfortably, he might want you to go somewhere you are going to be nurtured because that's what you need right now. 

When it comes to church, though, there is one deal-breaker for me, and I say this because I can't imagine God putting me in a church that was otherwise. It's this: The church must preach the Gospel.

By preach the Gospel, I mean:

The church must preach that Jesus is the only way to salvation

The church must preach that there is such a thing as sin, therefore we need the cross.

The church must preach the need for repentance and living a changed life; not choosing to live life on our own terms.

There is more to the Gospel; I mean the gift of eternal life is AMAZING! But in all seriousness, the above sentences are critical parts of Jesus's message; and, as our presence supports a church's mission, I can't imagine God putting us into a church that didn't preach the above. That's one thing, therefore, that I would look at before settling in. 

On that note, God wants his church to become pure and spotless, not swayed by the world's morals. The church must be willing to be counter-cultural on certain difficult topics, because that's how we honor the cross of Christ, his blood shed for our sin. That means being gracious and truthful. We must be a church that frees people from the things that enslave them, and that involves being truthful about sin. Hard stuff.

The church is called to be very different to the world; and to be brave ...  And that is all part of what it looks like to preach the Gospel.

Will the church ever be perfect? Well, we're a bunch of humans, so no. But our job as little SUMites, spiritually single and all, is to help our church be the best it can be. 

That's a challenge I can rise to!

Ok, let's chat in the comments. What has been your experience of trying to find a church family?

Ann

Hi SUMites, Ann here.

Are you ready to tackle this one? It's a good one:

How do we handle friendships with Christians of the opposite sex? 

This one's tricky in a spiritually unequal marriage, right? It's not just about what is; it's also about how things look to others, and how our spouse feels.

For most of us, the minute we go near church we're not exactly going to be like a monk or nun, hanging out with our own gender. Actually, Jesus hung out with a group of women who loved him dearly (Luke 8:1-3), as well as his male disciples. And life in church means we do end up with people of the opposite sex who become important people of faith to us.

I've had a few of those: brothers in Christ of different ages who've been really important friends. Still, for our spouses' sake and our own we have to be mindful because we're human, and one of the ways the enemy could attack our marriages is by putting a Christian member of the opposite sex front and center and tempting us to look at them instead of our spouse. I guess we have to have some boundaries that we figure out in advance.   

You know, one of the hardest things that's ever happened to me in my SUM was when a single man at church developed a strong desire to be a close friend with me and started texting me frequently. I was partly to blame because when I first met this man I behaved in a very friendly manner and shared my faith heart with him. I still do that with people. Anyway, the situation became un-comfy for me.

Honestly, that one became SUCH a difficult situation. There was Bryce, at home, extremely unhappy about my churchgoing; and there was this man at church wanting my friendship. During the week, my phone would pop up with messages from him. I felt if I addressed it, I would be turning it into something that it wasn't. So I let him keep on messaging me, and nearly fell over from anxiety about it all. 

What I should have done is quite simply explained my boundaries to this man and said 'Because you're male and my husband's not a believer, I can't receive these texts any more, I'm sorry, please understand'. But somehow I found the whole situation so difficult I didn't, and instead got myself wound up into a state of anxiety. Oh dear! 

We live and learn.

That experience taught me that the whole opposite-sex thing is something I have to navigate reasonably proactively. So now, I have a few rules in my head. For example, when working on the prayer team at church I won't pray on my own with a man my age. Even if we're different ages, I don't put my hand on a guy's shoulder when praying like I would with a woman. Well, sometimes I might ... It depends on who it is and the situation.

As a woman, I find that if a guy has strong boundaries of his own that feels instantly easier; and most guys who I come across in church circles do have those safety boundaries. However, we may find at church that not every person has good boundaries, and if a situation arises that makes us uncomfortable we have to be courageous enough to express our own limits.

Ultimately, from a spiritual point of view other believers are our family, and so I personally don't shy from connections with Christians of the opposite sex. I have brothers in the church, and they are exactly that: brothers. But I do tell Bryce about my friendships and connections, and his levels of comfort are a good gauge for me.

All in all, then, we connect with the Body, stay open-hearted in love, and do our best to stay in a place of integrity. 

Now over to you in the comments: Have you had Christian friends of the opposite sex, and what boundaries do you put in place?

Love to you all!

Ann

Dear SUMites,

Sometimes I have a pre-planned idea of what I'm going to write about in a particular series, but then God completely interrupts my well-oiled ideas! Well, that is what happened yesterday with this Navigating Church series.

I was going to write next about how to handle it when we feel jealous of Christian couples at church, followed by a post on how our spouses respond to church. But instead yesterday I got an overriding phrase from God about all this. It was a phrase where God seemed to be saying 'Take a step back and look at it differently'. The phrase was this:

A family has the power of a nuclear bomb!

If that sounds a little weird, please don't give up on reading yet! Let me carry on a little:

I think what God is saying is that when the church behaves as family to each other, there is a spiritual power that comes from that that is beyond what we can even imagine. And, like a lot of spiritual truths, we can't see it but it is there. The unity of a church as a family unit provides a spiritual power that is matchless -- A power that can overtake anything in its path. Just like a nuclear bomb, except in a good way because it's the power of the Holy Spirit.

It's the stuff that Jesus talked about when he told Peter that he was going to build his church:

You are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it.

And I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven (Matt 16:18, NKJV)

It's like the ultimate bomb. A smart bomb.

On the other hand, if the church is not unified, and not behaving like a family to each other, they will be weak and powerless.

Now, this issues us a challenge: Can we approach the whole messy issue of 'church' in a way where our fellow churchgoers become to us like siblings, children, or parents? To do that we have to lay aside quite a lot of our own 'stuff', I think.

Yes, our church family and our blood family (especially our spouse) might not mix. So be it. But we are called to steward both things as SUMites.

For me personally, there's quite a lot more that I can do to be a good family member to those in my church. The thought of that simple action and attitude bringing power is awesome and interesting, and I am game for this challenge.

There is another scripture that alludes to this power that comes from unity. It's this one:

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments. It is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing -- Life forevermore (Psalm 133, NKJV)

I wonder why that scripture mentions Aaron specifically? I guess it is that Aaron, as high priest for the Israelites, had the powerful role of standing in the gap between people and God. Unity, then, brings an 'Aaron' kind of power: It's a power where God turns his ear to us.

So, if we take this word, that being a family leads to power, I wonder if we can pause now and consider this question: What does it look like to treat those in our church like family?

I would actually love to see your comments about that, so I'll pause here and see what thoughts spring to mind for you.

I think there are some complexities in it. It's not straightforward. Still, let's chat. I look forward to your comments!

Ann

Friends,

I had something sweet happen to me at church this past Sunday. 

But I'll say this first: It's funny, I'm finding that because I'm writing this series on church, church memories are bubbling to the surface, including some of the harder moments in years past, and I've had a more difficult time than usual with church since I've been writing this series. It's strange. Sometimes I guess we live out the things we write about.

Anyway, this past Sunday at church a lovely young girl who I admire (age 20) bounces over to see me. We talk for a while about her life. Then she asks if she can pray for me. 'Do you need anything in particular?' she says. I smile: 'You just pray whatever God puts on your heart to pray for me. I'd love to hear it!'

So she closes her eyes and puts her arm around me.

Out of her mouth comes a beautiful, long, long prayer. She is speaking words about the various good things I bring to this church! On and on she goes about all those good things, elaborating on them in quite a lot of detail. 

... Then suddenly I feel another arm come around me from the other side. It's one of our elders. So, these two are both standing there, arms round me, like a pair of family members.

The prayer finishes, and the girl says to me straight away: 'I love what you bring to this church, Ann. I love what you're doing here. In particular, I find you such a SAFE person.'

The elder nods to all that, adding in things. 'You're very safe.'

Safe -- hmm, that's interesting. I think us SUMites are safe people for others.

I thanked them hugely for those words. Honestly, it was just what I needed to hear.

Finally, I headed to the door to go home to Bryce, but as I did I hugged another girl by the door, hello and goodbye. 'Oh Ann, you make such a difference!' she said, not knowing anything about the conversation I'd just had.

Do you think God was trying to send me a message? ((laughing)). But seriously, to have that experience just after writing a blog post about feeling invisible and not properly part of the family, I thought "I really must take notice and know that I DO belong in this church family."

In that spirit, I'm including a photo from my church. That's me in the glasses on the far left of the photo. I sit alone in the pews without my husband. AND, I am part of the family.

I genuinely don't think the people who gave me those words this past Sunday had read my last blog post. People in my life don't read this blog even though they know it's there. No, instead I think it was all God: He wanted to bring perspective.

So, let's ask ourselves what do we bring to church, as SUMites? Do you think it would be true to say that we underestimate what we bring to the church?

What we bring is a unique, sparkling, shiny, glorious, hand-crafted set of gifts that the Father has placed in us. And beyond our unique personalities, we also bring some common strengths as a direct result of our unequally yoked marriages:

1. We know how to pray.
2. We know about spiritual warfare because we live with it.
3. We know how to talk to people who are on the fence.
4. We understand those who are on the periphery at church
5. We have an uber-strong dose of faith -- Faith that has been tested like crazy.
6. And, finally, we are SAFE people. Yes, we are safe!

So today I pray one thing: I pray that we all know, and settle in our hearts, just how valuable we are to the church, and to our church family.

For in fact the body is not one member but many. If the foot should say, 'Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body', is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear should say 'Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,' is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased.' (1 Cor 12:14-18, NKJV)

By Ann Hutchison

This week, Lynn and I had a good old chat live on Facebook, about what Jesus is doing in the world right now. It was fun! If you haven't seen it yet, you can catch up here.

In that chat, Lynn said something that I'm going to focus on today as we continue our series on navigating church.

She said: We have to let go of our offense with the church. It's really important that we do that.

Gulp. Big GULP. Can I tell you, that really convicted me? See, I still struggle with offense at the church as a SUMite. In my current church I feel lonely, like I'm 'Nelly No-Mates'. And deep in my heart I get annoyed because of that feeling.

Oh dear, this is going to be a transparent post isn't it? Is it ok to be this transparent as a leader? I think it is. We can admit a failing or a difficult emotion. But then we mustn't feed it. Admit it, but then try to change it.  

Right then, let's elaborate on this, because I know many of you experience this: I get annoyed because I feel invisible at church. It's my SUM situation that makes it so: I don't fit the mold. I am not part of the singles crowd, but I am not part of the couples crowd either. The couples crowd is tight knit and have been friends for years. It takes many hours of time spent with someone to become their friend... I'm not there yet.

For all my annoyance, there are moments of deep connection in that church building. Still, offense still tries to hit me relating to how I feel within the family. The SUM situation is a big cause of that: It just makes me different. If my husband were there with me we'd have forged friendships by now. As it is, he's not, and I haven't.

OK then. 

Now, I mustn't feed this offense in church. It's a little demon, and if I do feed it it will get bigger. I could feed it by saying things like 'I have no friends here', or 'I don't fit in.' Or, I could overcome it and say 'NO, I'm not going there with those thoughts; nor am I going to say those things out loud any more.'

It's easy to get offended. Churches are flawed, but hey so are we! They're not good at a lot of things because they're a bunch of humans, but equally we bring with us our baggage and selfish needs. Through it all, the truth is that they are still our family.

The risk is that when we get offended we then are tempted to isolate ourselves. When we isolate we risk developing unusual ideas or make ourselves too susceptible to the enemy's attack. We so need to stay connected.

But we also need to keep our hearts free from offence while we're in those connections. Here are some ideas of how to handle it when offense at the church comes knocking:

• Say out loud 'I refuse to partner with offense'.
• Take some time to sit quietly and put ourselves in the shoes of the people at church who we're offended at. 
• Ask God for help healing from offense, and forgiving
• If offence comes into our minds, straight away say 'NO!' and cast it away. 
• Spend some time examining the beauty and positive things in our church.

If a church is particularly unhealthy there IS a place for asking God if we can leave and move into a different church. That certainly happens. But if we are in the church family God has put us into, our job is to steward that placement well, which includes honoring others and staying free of offence. It's a big task but a beautiful one. And what's more, God will love those efforts because that's what it's all about. God knows church is hard; the question is, how are we going to walk it?

This week, my friends, I am going to sit in church and reflect on some of those above bullet points. It will do good.

So that is my Friday thought. Perhaps we can be real in the comments: What have you been offended by, in the past, at church, and how might you overcome that?

Love to you all,

Ann

My friends, I am interrupting the series on church because something really crazy happened yesterday. Settle in for a good story!

OK:

The last two weeks, I have had an unusual spiritual battle. I've been wrestling with a weird spiritual weariness I've not had before.

Now, I'm normally bouncy when it comes to God. I'm completely ruined for him, and I hope with every fiber of my being that I stay HIS for the rest of my life.

Amen!

BUT the last two or three weeks I've struggled with a weird lack-lustre. God has felt like a distant 'fact', rather than a vibrant presence. I've struggled to read the Bible, which is unusual. And, this past Sunday I felt like I couldn't be bothered going to church. That's no good, is it, when I'm writing a series on that very topic!? Uggh, no fun. And a bit freaky. It's especially difficult to have something like that happen when you know you have a community to keep writing for.

Anyway, my response was this: I have to just keep going. I know that Christians sometimes experience dry patches. I also know that God does not promise that we will always feel his presence, even though he is surely there. So I determined to do that: Keep going. I made a deliberate point to keep reading the word, keep showing up for time with God in the morning, and get prayer for the issue from a couple of people.

Have you been there too? I know a few of us have. It's been a strangely difficult couple of weeks, and that's the backstory to what happened yesterday. 

Now for yesterday:

I was standing in the kitchen. My house was a little untidy, I was in my most unflattering clothes, and my hair hadn't been brushed yet even though it was lunchtime. We have a cyclone going on here in New Zealand, which you might have seen on the news, so I did have an excuse: I was settled in for a full home day while the wind and rain roared outside.

I texted a friend, "I am having a weird time ... feeling spiritual lacklustre." The friend texted back, "I'm praying for you." And no sooner had that message arrived than there was a knock at the door. Two people stood there who I'd never seen in my life: A boy and a girl in their early twenties.

Two knights in shining armor.

"We're here the prayer meeting!" they said.

"Prayer meeting?" I paused for a minute. "Ohhh! Yes, I WAS going to have a prayer meeting today, but cancelled it because of the cyclone."

I then hugged them both as if it was the most natural thing to wrap my arms around two strangers and said "COME IN!"

(Side note: I have no idea how these two found that there was to be a prayer meeting at my house.) 

Having hugged them I said, "Sit down. Let me just go and comb my hair .. and then I will be back." My hair definitely needed a taming before I sat down in front of these two again.

Two minutes later, with duly neatened hair, I plonked myself down in front of them, and we started to talk ...

Me and two strangers. This could be awkward? No, it wasn't.

We proceeded to talk .... about GOD. We talked about fiery things. The boy was 23, a traveler from California. The girl was 20, an Aucklander who lives an hour away from me. We connected deeply. We talked about what we were each wrestling with and hearing from God. In fact, I began to share quite a lot of my heart with them.

At this point I started to feel completely refreshed, like 'This is just what I need right now,' and 'How is it I can talk to these two like I've known them forever?' 

The effect these two were having on me they might as well have been angels.

It got better though....

The boy was from California. "California?" I said, "I've been there. Actually, I work on a ministry for Christians married to non-Christians, and that ministry was set up by a lady who lives in California."

And this is where it got particularly interesting, but I've gone on too long now, so will continue this story on Friday.... Be sure to tune in because this next part is a goody. Till next time!

Ann

By Ann Hutchison 

Attending church is quite the adventure, and I think it can look very different from season to season.

By that I mean this:

Sometimes you have a season of attending a particular church. You're there because God wants you to learn a particular thing. And then when he wants to do something different, he moves you on to a new church.

And:

In some seasons you are fed by the church, while in other seasons you're the one doing the feeding.

So I thought today I might share a little about the different seasons I've had in church.

Season One: Spectator

As a new Christian I started out attending a Bible church of 200 people. I would walk in, listen to the sermon, then walk out. I sat there and watched the body of Christ as a spectator. But the sermons fed me. Did God ever want me in that church? For that season, I think so. I heard the Gospel in that church.

Season Two: Nurtured

Quite soon after that, God seemed to show where he wanted me to attend. This new church was different in flavor. It was charismatic, and a little wild. It had 50-70 people, some of whom were homeless, and a culture of praying for each other.

I had never been in a charismatic church before. It fascinated me. And in that first service when they asked 'who needs prayer?', my hand shot up. After that, I was nurtured by that church's people week after week. I brought all my pain about my spiritual mismatch into that church and was prayed for like crazy. I was the broken and bruised one who was bandaged up and loved.

Season three: Grown up

In that same church, I began to grow up. The pastor discipled me, others discipled me, and I grew ... into something sturdy.

Suddenly I wasn't the one wanting prayer all the time; I was praying for others.

Eventually I was prayed into the leadership team by that very same pastor who'd discipled me. Here I am on the far right of this photo, August 2019. The pastor is the guy in green.

Season four: Quiet support

Well, the above church suddenly closed, and we disbanded! Quite simply, the pastor felt we were to close, so we did, and we all got thrust into new churches. For my part, instantly God showed me a new church to attend. My son, Miles (age 16), miraculously began attending with me, and here's a photo of us on Mother's Day. Can you see my smile at having my handsome boy by my side?

The adventures continued: That church then moved into the school hall where my old church had just closed!!

My place in this new church felt different to the above phases. For a start, the church was primarily young people and, I'll be honest, I've been lonely there. 

How do we deal with loneliness at church? Well in this case I've laid it aside and persevered because I have known that God wants me at this church. 

See, since joining that church I've had prophetic words about God's purpose for it. I have had a burning in my heart to see it succeed. I have prayed like crazy for it. And that's why I've labelled this season 'Quiet support'.

That church experienced a huge crisis in May last year, which nearly derailed it. The pastor left suddenly in fractious circumstances, and we had no elders in place. So, in this uncertain situation I volunteered to work on a task-force with four others to research the topic of elders and figure out how to put elders in place. That was six months of hard work. 

Finally, at the end of last year I stepped into leading the prayer team at this church, and in December had the joy of praying in a brand-new team of lay elders. That's me on the far right of the photo, in the very same hall as the first photo in season three above!

We're still waiting for a pastor, but our church is in good health.

So, what a ride. It has certainly not been a stagnant journey. We learn different things from church ... And then we give. But one thing I know: This present church is my church family.

Hope you like those stories. Have you been through phases in your church life?

Loads of love,

Ann

It's time to start our new series on navigating church, so let's roll up our sleeves and dive into this meaty topic.

From the comments last week it's clear that many of us face challenges in relation to church, and these challenges are similar. So that's a good start: We're not alone.

For some of us we struggle to attend church in the first place. For others of us, we struggle with a range of complex emotions while there, including missing our spouse, envy of couples and families, and loneliness. 

I thought I might start today with the challenge of trying to attend in the first place. So, let's unpack this one.

As I said in the last post, that was my struggle for a while. I yearned to be at church on a Sunday, where my tribe was gathered. In fact, I needed it because the rest of the week was so secular. Yet, while I did have some strong Christian friends outside of church, I struggled to actually attend church gatherings.

The situation was complicated by the fact my kids were young, so to get there I had to drag them out of the house at an early hour of the morning, and worry about settling them in. But it was Bryce's disapproval that most influenced me and made me stay home. And on the days I stayed home I was miserable because of what I was missing. 

The problem was this:

The church was my family too. I was one flesh with them, for we are one body (1 Corinthians 12:12; Romans 12:5; Ephesians 4:16, 5:30). And we are one household (Ephesians 2:19; 1 Peter 2:5). 

So, while I was one flesh with my husband, family to him, and of the same household, I also belonged in that building, with that tribe, in the house of God on a weekend. 

In other words, I did need to be there. That's how I see it now: We do need to be there, and we do need to fight for our church attendance. The church needs us.

In a famous story from the Gospels, Jesus was with the multitudes one day when he was told 'Your mother and brother are outside looking for you.' He could have dropped everything there and then and gone off to see these important people in his life, but no, he had a job to do. Instead, he said:

"Who is My mother and who are My brothers?" And he stretched out his hand toward His disciples and said, "Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother." (Matthew 12:48-50) 

And from this we are to understand that the church is our family. We know it in principle, but it's good to be reminded of it.

We don't choose our family, they're given to us. And I do believe that God puts us in a church family too. Sometimes -- always? -- that family is imperfect. Sometimes they disappoint us, and sometimes we disappoint them. Sometimes we have to put boundaries around family relationships if they're toxic. But, in general with a reasonably healthy family we identify as a unit.

I've actually been reflecting on this feature of church as family, relating it to my own family. Here's my mum, step-dad, and I at a wedding last year. I also have two younger brothers, and a sister. I love them all dearly, but it's not a perfect family. My parents got divorced when I was nine, and each remarried. Not perfect, but we are a unit, and we love each other.   

Well, there's something about a church family too. It's a unit. We have big siblings and younger siblings, mothers and fathers.

That unit does look different to, say, a Christian friend who you have coffee with, as there's a Godly placement that goes along with being part of a church family. I do believe God puts you in a church family, and you serve and support them. Even just showing up is your part in spreading the Gospel.

So, it's worth persevering, and I do believe that being part of that unit -- however tough it is -- is God's design.

With all that said, the next question is how to find a healthy church, and that's a whole other bottle of wine. A topic for one of the upcoming posts.

All for now. Feel free to share any thoughts you have in the comments.

Love

Ann

By Ann Hutchison

My friends, it's been a while since we talked about the grand old topic of navigating church!

Yep, it's one of our favorite topics.

Navigating church is such a big issue for us. Even that topic alone has so many facets to it, and it's often one of the most challenging issues that we deal with in our spiritually mismatched marriages.

Some of us can't even get to church easily, let alone integrate into it well. That was my situation for a number of years: My attendance at church on a Sunday caused such marital disharmony that I'd attend then stop, attend then stop, attend then stop. My pastor came up to me one day and said "Everything ok?" after he hadn't seen me for weeks. The tears brimmed as I nodded and looked desperately into his eyes. What could I say?

Eventually, however, I got into a routine for somehow making church work. And I know others of us have worked out a similar kind of system. but it's still tricky.

I was talking to a lovely SUMite this week who had been spiritually mismatched for many years now. She and I both agreed that even though we are walking in a lot more peace than we used to, church remains one of our hard issues. I know the other writers in our team find this too. Will we ever stop missing having our other half by our side?

So with that in mind, I'm going to write a series next about navigating church. Specifically, the flavor I want to focus on is this:

How do we connect with the beautiful bride of Christ?

And how do we care for the broken and bruised body of Jesus?

I've phrased it that way because the minute we become mature Christians that's what one of our tasks is. There's a theological thing going on here, in that the church is a big deal: It's his bride (Ephesians 5:25-27; Revelations 19:7-9), and it's his body (1 Corinthians 12:12-14).

So, we connect with his bride and body whenever we're connecting with a fellow Christian, whether or not that's on a Sunday. But these features of the church -- His body, his bride -- in collective form make it such an important part of our faith life.

In fact, connecting with that body and helping to prepare the bride to meet Jesus again is as important as our private relationship with him that we carry out on our knees.

YET, some or all of these issues crop up and they are tough:

• Christians at church say tactless things and don't 'get' us 
• We often feel lonely at church
• We often feel on the outside in the Sunday gatherings
• We can't easily attend church activities outside of Sundays
• We can't easily make friends with Christians, because our spouse isn't wanting to be part of it
• Christians of the opposite sex are challenging for us to befriend, yet they're our brothers/sisters 
• And finally, church is massively imperfect!

In addition to that, we struggle to know what to do about financial giving (thanks, Lisa, for Friday's post on that), and serving. Further, we have doctrinal differences, denominations, and strange things that go on in church that aren't always of God. So there is a discernment too that we have to bring to it.

Well, phew, there's a lot to talk about there. I could write a book and I imagine you could too!!

So let's start by chatting about this one in the comments: What are your biggest challenges with church at the moment?

See you in the comments!

Ann

Today we have a guest post from Lisa McFarland -- Our friend and a long-standing member of our community. Many thanks to Lisa for writing for us, and now I will hand over to her:

**

A few weeks ago, my pastor (who is also my boss) spoke on Irrational Generosity. He shared, as a  pastor, he gets a front row seat on observing many people. He noticed that those who radiate authentic joy have two things in common: they passionately love Jesus and they are irrational givers.

If you are like me, you cringe at that word “giver” because many of us in a SUM relationship, when our pastor speaks on money we want to shrink into that pew.  We want to be able to financially give, but our circumstances don’t permit it. For me, this topic is really hard. I not only work for the church and the lead pastor is my boss, but I run the finance department!!!! My salary comes from those who faithfully give; yet, I’m not able to contribute. As I was listening to the message, God spoke to my heart and whispered, “I know your heart.” The Holy Spirit reminded me that we can be creative in our generosity. We are able to freely give of our time, our voice, a kind note, or even in making a meal.

It's not easy to allow our husbands to lead us when we don’t always agree with their decisions; especially when it comes to contributing to our church financially. My boss has said to me many times that my mission field is my spouse and God honors my obedience to my husband.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3:1, NIV)

Lynn also shared in Marching Around Jericho the freedom in letting our spouse lead us even though he may not be a Christian. This has been extremely encouraging to me and has opened up ways for me to bless the church and others differently. God knows our hearts and He will show us many ways to use our generosity. I like the way that Focus on the Family puts it: "Remember, it’s not the money but the attitude of the heart about which the Lord is most concerned.”

If financially giving is a sore point in your marriage, give it to the Lord in prayer and trust Him to work in this area of your spouse’s life. And, in the meantime, get creative!

As a SUMite we have a passionate love for Jesus but how can we be creative with our giving? Share with me in the comments how you bless others with your “Irrational Generosity”.  

My name is Lisa MacFarland and I’ve been in a SUM relationship for 35 years. We have 4 adult children, one grandbaby and 2 more on the way. We live in sunny Florida on the East Coast. I have been following the Spiritually Unequally Marriage ministry for over 10 years, and I am so privileged and honored to be a guest writer. I pray that you are encouraged by this post. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

Today we have the blessing of a guest writer. Many of you will recognize Lisa MacFarland from the comments over the years, she has been such a solid encouragement to many, and we're so happy to have her hop on and write for us today. Over to Lisa --

**

Hello, my name is Lisa MacFarland and I’ve been in a SUM relationship for 35 years. I have been
following the Spiritually Unequally Marriage ministry for over 10 years and I am so privileged and
honored to be a guest writer. I pray that you are encouraged by this post as much as I was when writing it. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

Over a year ago, I wrote the phrase, “get back to the basics” and posted it on my desk corkboard at work. Lately, this phrase has been weighing heavier on my heart; sensing a strong need to get back to the basics. In many churches of today, I feel we confuse experiencing God’s love in a raw, basic way. Churches create chaos with so many programs, beautiful features, incentives, themes and hoopla to get people into the doors of church or to keep them engaged. People leave church with lessons on forgiveness or who God is but they are still empty.

Individually, we cram our own lives with constant activities, to dos, and overall chaos so we don’t have to stop and face what might be really going on in our lives. Sadly, this keeps us from truly experiencing God’s love. We miss finding our identity in Christ, true joy, and our authority given to us as heirs to the throne. This lifeless chaos will cause many to lose their passionate heart connection with Christ, missing out on the blessings He wants to give us.

Between the world, our churches, and ourselves, we can find ourselves remaining in a cycle of brokenness that keeps us from a deeper, more authentic connection with the Lord. Our hearts and mind need to be cultivated into fertile soil to that the roots of our salvation grow deep and strong. When spiritual battles; storms of life come, and they do and will, WE WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!

Revelations 2:5: So remember where you were before you fell. Change your hearts and do what you did at first. If you don’t change, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Colossians 2:6-7: You accepted Christ Jesus as Lord, so continue to live following him. You must depend on Christ only, drawing life and strength from him. Just as you were taught the truth, continue to grow stronger in your understanding of it. And never stop giving thanks to God.

John 15:9-11: I have loved you as the Father has loved me. Now continue in my love. I have obeyed my Father’s commands, and he continues to love me. In the same way, if you obey my commands, I will continue to love you. I have told you these things so that you can have the true happiness that I have. I
want you to be completely happy.

I know my heart longs to get back to the foundation upon which our salvation is rooted. I don’t want to just go through the motions, or get stuck in a cycle of busyness but I want to get back to the fundamental basics and cultivate my heart soil through daily prayer, reading God’s word, serving, and sharing my story. Even when we don’t feel like it, keep showing up and eventually you will experience breakthrough of peace, authentic joy, and deep connection with God. It’s then that God can truly bless us with the fullness He created us for.

About Lisa: I’ve been married for 35 years and together with my husband, Cameron, for 36 years. Funny story…met my husband in a bank robbery! I was a bank teller that was held up and he was my knight in shining armor, aka, police officer that responded. 😊 We have 4 adult children, 1 grand baby and 2 more on the way! And I can’t forget about my empty nest 10-year-old puppy, Marley, a Chihuahua in a Rottweiler’s body, haha. I mostly was a stay-at-home mom but then started working for my church over 20 years ago as the Lead Pastor Assistant and, a few years ago, I took over as Finance Director too. I was born and raised in church, started out in a Pentecostal Assemblies of God and now the church I’m part of is Southern Baptist. I love to read, crochet, walk, swim, fish, kayak  and just plain relax. After raising 4 children, I’m finally getting to enjoy all of it. 😊

Dear SUMites

We often describe ourselves as a church without walls -- Isn't it amazing how we manage to gather like this online? I love it!  Anyway, today I wanted to tell you a little bit about who is in our church.

As you know, we did a SUM community survey recently. Reading through those responses it was so good to see your names and a little more about your lives. 

So I thought you, too, might like to hear a little more about who your friends at SUM are. Below, I'll share a few of the questions we asked in the survey, and what the answers were.

Where does our community live?

All over! Most (70%) live in the USA, followed by a decent proportion in Europe. We have a smaller number in Australia and New Zealand, and some in Africa.  I can't express how much I love that spread -- it's so beautiful. 

And this Gospel of the Kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations (Matt 24:14, NKJV)

How did our SUM community members become spiritually mismatched?

Here's what our community said:

My spouse lost their faith: 6%

I became a Christian after marrying: 27%

I thought my spouse was a Christian before marrying, but perhaps they weren't: 20%

My spouse and I have experienced different rates of spiritual growth to each other: 6%

I married a non-believer: 36%

Other: 5%

There is such a range of stories there and each of the above has its own distinct challenges, but I hope it makes you feel less alone seeing that there are at least some out there with the same story as you.

Do our spouses attend church?

About 20% of spouses do attend regularly, and a further 22% occasionally. But the rest don't, so if your spouse never attends with you, you're in good company.

How many of our spouses say they're Christian?

I was surprised by this one: 30% of spouses actually do say they're a Christian, which means that the couple is mismatched even though both are nominally Christians. The rest of the spouses, of course, don't yet say they're Christian, and we do know that quite a few spouses currently say they are atheist. I say 'currently' on purpose. These things change.

Are the spouses supportive?

Here's what our community said: 

A lot: 30%

Moderately: 40%

A little: 20%

Not at all: 10%

Again, I hadn't realized so many were that supportive. But clearly there is a need for our ministry even if an unbelieving spouse is supportive. The loneliness of the walk likely makes it so. For those whose spouses are not yet supportive I am praying for you specifically right now.

What kinds of churches do we attend?

Our community attends all kinds of denominations. The most prevalent is non-denominational or Baptist. After that, about 10% attend protestant denominations (Methodist, Presbyterian, Anglican, Church of Ireland), 10% Pentecostal, and about 10% don't currently attend church.

How long have our people been with us?

About 15% of our readers found us less than a year ago. If that's you, welcome! This tells us it's important that we keep writing about some of those common issues such as attending church alone and raising kids in faith. However, almost half of our readers have been with us for more than five years, and many for more than ten years. Amazing! We are a community that has been together a long time.

And finally.... What does our community look like, faith-wise?

This last section really opened my eyes. We asked two questions here: Do you have regular time alone with God, and how often do you read the Bible? The vast majority of our readers said they spend daily time alone with God, and daily time reading the Bible.

That tells us something about our specific church. We are not lukewarm, we're the opposite. We are all passionate followers of Jesus Christ, and that's exactly why we need this ministry and why we gather here.

**

My friends, there's more to the survey and I'll share more eventually, but I hope that gave you more of a picture of who's here. 

What else would you like to know about us and this community? Pop any questions in the comments and I'll answer them.

We all love you!

Ann (and team)

Happy Friday, SUM friends!

In my last post I mulled over the difference between judging and discerning. Well, today I want to add one final layer:

Love.

I heard a minister of the Gospel once say the biggest thing God will ask you when you finally meet him face-to-face is this: "Did you learn to love?"

It could be so. There is so much about love in the New Testament.

There's a lot of crazy stuff going on in the world, and sometimes in the church too. This means that we surely do need eyes of discernment so that we can keep going in the right direction. We need to keep following our true north (God), as if we're holding a compass and trying to constantly gauge his direction.

But, equally, when we discern we have to discern lovingly. And what does love look like when we're trying to discern things? Here are a few thoughts:

• In the church, uphold a culture of honor in our interactions with others.
• When thinking or speaking, we can ask: Am I being honoring in my tone and attitude?
• Look first for the good in others' hearts. 
• Remember that people are growing 
• And finally, don't speak bad things about another Christian to their fellow brothers and sisters. It puts a wedge between relationships in the church.

If we do the above, we'll do a better job at navigating some of those tricky things that happen in churches. Churches are messy, not perfect, so we are given plenty of opportunity to practice the above.

All the while, we're meant to not condone sin as Christians, and that's a biggie. Sometimes we'll see ministers step in, for example, and stop certain behaviors in the church for the sake of the wider flock. But overall we can all still uphold a love for God in a way that is gentle and kind in manner, as far as possible.

So that was a final thought. I'd love to hear any further thoughts in the comments; and let's pray:

Lord God, help us to get a good balance in our lives between standing for truth and loving people lavishly. Give us more wisdom on this one in our personal lives, and Lord help us relate to people in the way you would have related to them when you were on earth. We love you, Jesus, thank you for being here and being ours. In Your name, we pray. Amen.

Love,

Ann

My brothers and sisters in SUM-hood, hello!

It's Friday here, I'm sitting in my lounge, and I thought I might tell you about something really boosting that I did last week.

I went to a conference called Sistas, an annual women's conference run in my city. Because of the pandemic, there've been no conferences for the last two years. However, this year we have been let out (woohoo!) and it was on. What's more, for the first time the conference was being held in my suburb, Mt Eden.

Now, I had never been to this conference before; but at the last minute I discovered that two friends, both in SUMs, were to be there. Realizing I would get FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) if I didn't go, I umm-ed, ahh-ed, then splashed out on a ticket.

Thursday evening came. I walked through my suburb, entered an auditorium, and came upon about a thousand women gathered in one space!!! My eyes widened. It was a veritable army.

The Lord gave the word; Great was the company of those who proclaimed it: Kings of armies flee, they flee, and she who remains at home divides the spoil (Psalm 68:12, NKJV)

My friends, can I tell you how encouraging it was to see that sight? I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time with non-Christians. To walk into a room with a thousand Christians flooded my heart with such hope. I looked around that room and thought to myself "This army is in my city."

Not just that. "This army is in my suburb!"

That wasn't all, though. Something else happened ... With Bryce. Previously, I've found conferences difficult: they take me away from my family at the weekend for a purpose Bryce is not bought into. I do go to conferences, but Christian activities like that always take some thought as I balance it with where Bryce is at.

For that reason I was going to forego the weekend parts, but this time Bryce said out of the blue, "You're going to a conference? That's nice. Make sure you go every day. You've spent the money so you want to enjoy it. Go on Saturday -- You will, won't you?"

((Sorry, what?))

I hesitated, "But it's the weekend and it'd mean leaving you and the boys ..." See, I've got memories from years ago of stuff like this causing conflict.  

"Oh don't worry about us. GO." 

He released me to go. And so I did. I hung out with my two fellow SUM friends -- Paula and Jess (pictured here) -- and had a blast.

One final beautiful thing occurred in the last session I attended: People were invited to come forward for prayer that the voice of God will always be clear in their lives, and the voice of the enemy will dissipate. I just thought of us all, myself included, and so I went down to the front, carrying the SUM community down to the front with me (metaphorically). As one of the prayer team prayed over me, she said: "Marriage is so important in the kingdom," and as she said those particular words, I shook under the power of the Holy Spirit.

I walked home thinking that very thing --

"Marriage is so important in the Kingdom", and

"We, the SUMites, have a purpose; and we must keep listening to God's voice, not the enemy's."

What an encouraging few days. To be through the pandemic and to be with a thousand Christians I was truly refreshed and ready for whatever next thing we are to do as part of the army.

I hope that encouraged you too. How about you, do you go to conferences?

Love you all,

Ann

By Ann Hutchison

My friends, I had a reallllly interesting night a week ago. It was one of those nights where you see God move and you drive home with a head full of thoughts.

To tell you the story, I need to backtrack a little. One of our SUMites, Paula Blackie, lives about an hour's drive from me, and every now and again I meet her for coffee.

The first time we ever met in person, we randomly picked a cafe halfway between our two houses. When we got there, imagine our surprise when we saw that the cafe was decorated with model wedding cakes ... Everywhere. 

I meet a SUMite in a place where the walls are adorned with wedding cakes? ... Love it!

But God had more fun for us than that.

A few months ago (sitting in this cafe), Paula shared with me that she'd been asked by God to gather families in her neighborhood on the beach on a Sunday night. She obeyed.

Shortly after that, she was nudged by God to phone a particular man, and ask if she could use his house for these gatherings. Well, he had already been nudged by God about this too, and said yes. So began a little house church.

This house church has grown to about fifty people, and a competent team of four leaders -- amazing, sold-out, on-fire Christians -- have come around Paula to help her. As a team of three men and two women, they love this 'church' as much as Paula does and they run it as a team. 

Can SUMites do this? Well, sometimes God works in unusual ways. The Bible has many stories that demonstrate that.

Having heard all this, I needed to go and visit this house church. For me, this story of Paula's has become a much-loved extension in our SUM family; it's something one of our community is doing and it's exciting.

Here's where it got fun...

I turned up thinking I was going to just eat a meal and enjoy meeting some people; but, Paula got nudged by the Holy Spirit: "Ask Ann to join in with ministry."

They're all sitting in the room on couches, we've listened to some worship and taken communion. Paula sidles up to me and says: "We're going to walk round and give every person a marshmallow and say 'Jesus loves you'. Then, Ann, would you be happy to pray for each person and give them a blessing?"

I'd never done this before with a room of strangers ... but I really was very happy to do it, so said a joyful yes.

Each person in that room was a stranger to me, bar Paula and one other. Strangers yes, but brothers and sisters in Christ. I knelt in front of each person one by one, asked Jesus what to pray, waited to see what popped into my mind, and used that to pray.

Honestly, I couldn't tell if those prayers were resonating with them. But I do know that if you pray blessing over someone with the right heart, your words are powerful. 

It came to Paula, and I somehow got the sense of tears of laughter, so I said, "I bless you with tears of laughter." What a funny thing to pray but it was what popped into my mind.

Well ... I finished, plonked myself down on a dining seat, and turned to someone to talk to them, when snorts of laughter started to emit from Paula's corner. I looked over thinking, "She's being quite loud"... But then I saw the man next to her double over, tears streaming down his face, joy on his face. He looked over at me, said, "I feel the presence of God so thickly," then burst out laughing again. Then, suddenly, the man in the chair next to me leant forward, head in hands, and started to giggle.

It was Holy Laughter! 

Well, when we bless people, the joy of heaven comes. I love the fact the laughter came after that round of blessings. Funnily, I never felt the laughter myself -- so instead I watched them curiously with a smile on my face. 

On the drive home I said to God, "Whether or not each prayer resonated, I do pray that those blessings will come to fruition in those people's lives."

And I, for one, cannot wait to visit that house church again. 

Oh I hope you liked that story, and I wish you a joy-filled weekend, and that the joy of the Holy Spirit will fill you to the brim, overflowing!

Love,

Ann

My friends,

It's been interesting talking about serving God when spiritually single, and I've found your comments wonderfully insightful. I have especially loved hearing your stories. Our lives certainly are different to other Christians, aren't they?

For the final post in this series, I want to finish with a story --

You might remember I'm going through the book The Love Dare, and one of the dares I had to do was ask Bryce a question, listen to his answer, and not argue back. The question was a hard one. It was this: "What three areas of my behavior do you wish I would change?"

"Do you really want me to answer this?" He said. "Are you sure you want to go there?"

"Hit me with it!" I said. Go on, just do it.

"Wellll..... I'm sorry but your driving is terrible," he said. "It really, really bothers me, your driving." That one made me laugh, even though he was being serious. 

But then he told me this, and this one didn't make me laugh. It sort of made me want to cry, but I listened: He said, he works hard bringing in the money. He works long hours and he's often tired. He comes home to see me at my computer 'blogging', and yet parts of the house-cleaning haven't been done, the laundry hasn't been folded, and sometimes important administrative things have been forgotten. He then has to spend time on those things at the weekend.

Ouch.

So the thing is, I've been serving God, but kind of neglecting other things. And that's hard because serving God sometimes takes up a chunky part of our lives.

"What do I do?" I asked God. "I can't not work on the SUM ministry, because You have called me to it and I know it's where I'm meant to be. But, I'm stumped, and I'm quite distressed now."

I reflected further and decided not to get excessively discouraged but instead work out a solution. Bryce did have a point. As the one who 'doesn't work' in his eyes, I should do my part for the family. That is, at least keep the house clean, make it a nice environment, stay on top of the dishes and do family jobs during the week so that we can both relax at the weekend.

My friends, that is the conundrum about service. And, I think the lesson is this: Even if God is calling us to serve outside our homes, we can still do it in a way that's considerate to our spouse.

Ok, here's what I did next --

I changed my daily routine. I realized my priorities are, in order: (1) My relationship with God, (2) My family, and (3) Service to others. With that in mind, I set up my daily routine to reflect that order.

I decided to:

(1) Spend the first chunk of the day with God, which I was doing anyway.

(2) Immediately after that, do a little bit of cleaning, and make sure the kitchen is tidy and laundry done.

(3) Only then, work on ministry and other service things.

(4) Each day, try to fit in some kind of task for our family, whether it's inviting some neighbors for dinner, or doing some school paperwork -- The aim being to keep our family life vibrant and running smoothly.

It's working so far. Already the home feels more orderly, and I kind of like it. I'm not a naturally neat person when it comes to my home but I'm finding this new discipline is good for me.

Ultimately, in the SUM ministry our goal is to thrive in our faith and our marriage. A big part of our marriage succeeding lies in us being considerate to our spouse. In the area of service, that truth remains: It is our thoughtfulness and love that will win them over. And while God has many fabulous things for us to do, his heart is always brooding over our marriages.

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives (1 Peter 3:1, NKJV)

So, that completes our series on Serving God when Spiritually Single. I hope you've enjoyed it like I have. I would love to hear any final thoughts you have in the comments!

Love,

Ann

Hello friends!

We'll continue our series on 'Serving' next week, but for today we wanted to share a video. This is Tiffany and Ann with a word for our community that we hope will bring comfort.

Bless you all, and love from us both,

Tiffany and Ann

Hi SUM family, Ann here and we're currently in our series on Serving God while Spiritually Single. Part One is here:

Serving God when Spiritually Single: Part One

Today I want to talk about how we cope when the church looks at us differently. Does it affect our opportunity to serve?

I decided to look at this because one of our SUMites recently shared that's how she feels. She said something along the lines of: "Sometimes I feel the leaders might look at me and think there's something wrong with my life because my husband isn't believing. That might make them less likely to trust me or think of me as an obvious person to serve."

Have any of you have found that?

In my experience it's certainly been harder to build social connections and trust at church, at the very least. Because my husband isn't there it takes longer for people to know me. 

That said, there's a tremendous truth here that is rather exciting: God overrides these things if he really wants you to serve in a particular area.

I experienced that in a personal way recently. Many of you know my church closed last year, and then I followed the Holy Spirit's lead in moving to a new church. The old church was mostly made up of families. The new church is mostly in their twenties. Sometimes I feel very old in this new place!

One day while back in the old church, God stirred my heart that I was to start preaching there. "Yikes, that's bold of me I thought" ((laughing)). That's not the sort of thing you put yourself forward for easily, so I didn't mention it to anybody. But, one day the leader of the preaching team came running after me as I was leaving church. "Ann, would you like to give the sermon next week?" My mouth dropped open. 

God opened that guy's heart to my desire to serve; and that's how it goes: God gives us a stirring, and then it kind of happens.

Well, I really enjoyed that season of preaching in that church. But, you know, Bryce never attended once, and I stood up there alone each time. It was tough almost as much as it was rewarding. That seems to be the nature of service, at times.

I then moved to the new church, and God said to me "Ann, now I want you to be a passenger, not a driver."  In other words, he was asking me to step back and be a behind-the-scenes support. Meanwhile, my son Miles (age 16) signed himself up for the 7:30am set-up team on a Sunday, and that's what he and I now do once a month. That too feels 'meant to be', as God also said to me "I just want you to talk to people." While setting up, that's what I do.

Now, back to our SUMite sister's comment: Yes, in my new church I'm experiencing a little of what she said. It's been difficult to get to know people. I'm looked at a little differently too, as I don't fit the mold. It's ok -- God's breath on my life has shown me where he wants me.

Overall, though, I think the following quote captures how we must walk this. It's from Dineen, our past leader, and I just happened across it yesterday. She said:

"Don’t confuse your calling or ministry or service as who you are. Those are things you do. They come from your identity in Christ. All that we do to serve must be held loosely because we really don’t know the full picture of where God plans to take us next."

A hearty amen to that. So, let's seize the adventure of where God wants to take us next. Who knows, huh! All we know is that we must do this:

Through love, serve one another (Galatians 5:13, NKJV), and --

.. in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord (Romans 12:10-11, NKJV) 

Now your turn: What's your favorite area to serve in at the moment? And have you found it looks different in different seasons?