Dear friends

Over the last week or so, we've been talking about boundaries in marriage. We've toughened ourselves up, discussing areas in which we must stand our ground.

It's important to stand our ground on certain issues, in certain ways. It's important to be strong.

However, now let's turn to a different side of this topic:

What lines must we not overstep when it comes to our spouse?

In what ways do we need to be careful not to negatively invade our spouse? 

It's worth mulling this over, as it is so tempting when we are in a SUM to try to control our spouse, especially to control their church attendance and beliefs. What about their friends or activities -- To what degree is it tempting to want to control that? To what degree is it ok to control those things for the sake of our spouse's spiritual health, and to what degree should we back off?

When we're married, we're one flesh. Whether or not we feel close to our spouse physically and emotionally, there's that spiritual truth.

... A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24, NIV).

Shared house, shared activities, shared bodies, shared life. And so that shared nature of daily, physical life, including bodily intimacy, suggests a boundaryless existence. This boundaryless existence -- if it plays out in a healthy sex life -- is illustrated here, also:

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:2-5, NIV).

We might find when we're old we have to care for each other's bodies in other ways too -- like showering or washing the hair of an unwell spouse, acting as their eyes and ears if they go blind/deaf, or even wiping their butt!  

But even though we are one flesh, and share our bodies, we are two spirits, and this is important. We feel this keenly as SUMites, don't we? We are two separate spirits who each have free will when it comes to responding to God.

Free will is an invention of God, and one that feels a little painful, but we have to trust God knew what he was doing when he created it. If he had made us without free will, we would be like robots -- Like the movie 'The Stepford Wives' where everyone acted in submissive obedience. How boring for God that would be! No, instead, he gave us the choice to fall in love with him or walk away. And, in so doing he consciously does not overstep our free will.

He never forces us to church, he never forces us to believe, he never forces us to love him. 

And so in the same way, we are encouraged to honor our spouse's free will and allow them some leeway of their own in making a choice.

This has played out for me this week:

Right now, while Bryce and I are in France, I'd love him to come to church with me. In my mind I want him to help me meet the locals, stand by my side as my partner, and soak up the atmosphere of the worship and God's felt presence. Well, I asked him yesterday if he'd go with me, and he said 'No'. Oh. Well ((dusting myself off)), so be it. I won't guilt-trip or try to force it -- I'll leave him be, and I will do so cheerfully.

... And in that way I guess I'm respecting his free will, and a boundary of some sort.

Your thoughts? When do you think it's appropriate to control our spouses, and when is it not? 

Much love

Ann