Boundaries in Marriage, Part Five: Respect
May 03, 2024
Hello dear SUMites
It's Ann here and I'm writing from France, where Bryce and I arrived yesterday. We're staying for a month in a town called Foix in the very south of France. It has always been a dream of mine to live in France, and so perhaps this is the closest I can get.
If there are any French SUMites out there reading, please write to me, say hello and tell me where you're from!
Our first activity in France has been to go to the supermarket to plan our next couple of days of food. We negotiated over every ... single ... item we put in the trolley LOL. Marriage!
On the plus, this morning I got up early and went to the bakery a few doors down, to ask for "Deux croissants s'il vous plait" -- Two croissants please. I paid for them with my Euro coins and took them back for a lovely coffee-n-croissant breakfast with my hubby. Ahhh.
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Anyway, back to SUM matters! We're talking about boundaries that are relevant to spiritually mismatched marriage, and we're now on the last boundary in this series: Respect. Today's post is about asking our spouse to respect us but, of course, it works both ways: We should make every effort to respect our spouse, which is something we've talked about a lot on this blog.
How much disrespect or criticism of our faith is too much? Well, as carriers of the Gospel we are going to have persecution. Jesus said --
If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also (John 15:20, NIV)
He also said some of that persecution will come from our family --
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law— (Matthew 10:34-35, NIV)
And --
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you (Matthew 5:11-12, NIV)
Persecution is a natural outworking of what we carry. Our family members won't always 'get' us, and sometimes things will be said that hurt. We will feel alien, sometimes. Fine. It's the deal.
Jesus got whipped, stripped, and crucified, and, interestingly, he did not put up boundaries there. He allowed his tormentors to cross that boundary because it was God's purpose. Similarly, for a season, we may find that people make fun of our faith or are unfairly critical of it, and we might quietly ride that out until those people come to a softer place.
However, if it's happening in our marriage, and if it's happening too much, there can come a point where we say "That's enough," as a way of standing up for God's purpose in marriage. It is God's will that spouses honor each other, and that's ultimately the kind of marriage we want to fight for.
I guess what I'm saying, then, is that a little persecution will happen, but there can come a point where too much might call for a boundary to be put in place. After all, it is possible to disagree but still respect each other.
Every marriage is different, and some in our community are unfortunately in very difficult marriages. My heart goes out to you if that's the case for you - I know it is an extremely difficult path. If disrespect is part of that, it could be time to say "Stop, or I will need to remove myself from you for a time." And, of course, we encourage those who are enduring abuse of any sort -- including emotional abuse -- to seek help and not stay in that situation.
I guess it's all a balancing act, and one that takes discernment and prayer. But our hope in this community is that -- where we possibly can -- we can grow healthy marriages where there is respect despite the faith difference.
Do any thoughts spring to mind for you about this topic? If so, I look forward to chatting in the comments.
Much love.
Ann