Hey SUM family, Tiffany here!
I hope you have enjoyed the 15 Year Anniversary celebration! I just keep looking back in pride as to how far the Lord has brought me...my marriage over the years. Don't get me wrong. It has NOT been easy or all sunshine and roses.
In fact, I wanted to talk today and be a little vulnerable. Most of the time (95-99.6% ::grin::) I am secure in my decision to marry my husband and stick with it. Allow me to explain.
This week I had a big spiritual attack come against me. Jason and I got into a disagreement in front of our children. In my mind I am thinking that my husband was being a bad example to our children. He was not leading the way he should have.
I want to tread lightly here because as the believing spouse, especially as a wife, it is important to give my husband honor. I do not want to put him down or slander him. I have done
too much of that in my "earlier years" of marriage and really caused some wounds. Thank God, He has continued to mend and heal our relationship.
After we finished with our issue, I went downstairs to continue on laundry. I began to cry and have a panic attack. I haven't had one of these in a while. In those next moments I was bombarded with comment after comment from the demonic. I know this because these were statements that I thought I had conquered in the past.
If only my husband were saved. He would know how Christ loves His Bride and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. If only he were like "so and so". Look at how "so and so" honors his wife. I remember when "so and so" wrote how much he loved his wife on Facebook...
On and on and on the voices came crashing in. Images of godly Christian men came flashing through my mind. It was as if I was looking at Instagram or Facebook pages. Happy smile after happy smile. The more I saw and heard, the more I cried.
I laid upon my bed and cried out to God as I stared at the ceiling. I told God the things that I felt like I needed in my husband.
Learning from experience as well as hearing many testimonies from this community, I know that God ends up changing US - the believing spouse. As we pray for our spouses and press into God, we find that our focus turns inward. What do I need change? Then, as we change, so do our spouses. Isn't that the meat of 1 Peter 3:1? Isn't that what it means to win them without words?
I began to ask forgiveness for playing with covetousness, envy, jealousy and complaining. I prayed that all seeds that had been planted would not take root in my heart. I did not want bitterness, anger and rage to have access to my heart.
It took a couple of hours to fully be free of the weight of warfare. Even after praying, I could feel the heaviness of depression and regret trying to linger. I forced myself to go on a walk with my kids and the dogs. I praise God for my daughter. She is so silly and full of energy and joy. Her smile and upbeat demeanor help pull me out of despair.
As I lay there in bed, in the thick cloud of warfare, I began to think about our community. I couldn't be the only one dealing with this issue. How many of us have struggled with the comparison game? How many of us are still stuck in that place?
There is a fine line between interceding for our spouse and giving God specifications of what the "perfect mate" is. Where does the line need to be drawn?
I just want to put this out there before we chat. It should be our highest priority to love. This is not a place to complain and vent about our spouses. Let's focus on how the Lord has helped you in this area. What did He show you? How did He walk you through this? I know that Holy Spirit will ultimately give us discernment and guidance for our own marriages. However, I would love to talk about this in the comments. I don't know about you but I could really use some help / advice.