The last two years have been fraught with difficulties for our family. So many of you have prayed for us along the way through my youngest daughter’s brain tumor diagnosis and the ensuing surgeries and treatments. Her complete physical recovery is a story of many small miracles (can they ever really be small?) that comprise a truly miraculous recovery.
I’ve written a lot lately about unending trials because despite such an amazing journey, our hardships with our daughter are ongoing. I’ll spare you all the details but will tell you I’ve been fearful for her future because of her seemingly inability to live her life in the light of her miracle.
My faith has been tested more deeply in the last month than I ever imagined possible. I confess, I’ve come closer to losing hope than I ever have before and even contemplated if I could continue. I believe God wanted to show me that when I reached the end of my ability to believe, I would still find Him right there, still faithful and very present.
In the midst of this journey I’m learning that I can’t take responsibility for that which is not under my control. Though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I’ve had to step back and allow my little “bird” to try to fly despite her seeming inability to do so on her own.
I have to accept that she may fall to the ground, but that this may be the learning catalyst she needs. And somehow in the mix, I sense my husband’s continuing unbelief is part of the equation.
It’s not easy watching our loved ones make poor choices. I’m a fixer. I want to clean up and fix things, but in the end, I’ve delayed their learning process. I can take responsibility for that but not their poor choices.
And I’m sure you can understand the frustration of seeing the clear path, yet watch your loved one totally miss it. At times I’ve felt like my hands are partly tied by my husband’s unbelief.
So, I’m sharing this with you because I’ve sensed a need to be more transparent with you. I tend to guard my emotions and what I’m really facing, solely for the purpose of not wanting to discourage anyone. But I fear in that process I’ve misled others in thinking I have it all “together.” Boy, if you’d been around a couple weeks ago, you would have seen me at a most untogether state.
I’m still traveling this road. For now, the dust has settled and I’m trying not to be afraid of what we will face in the New Year. I want to trust God for that, because He’s shown me that so much of this doesn’t depend upon me and my choices, but on Him.
And there is the greatest lesson in what I’m learning right now. To keep letting go. I thought I had this part figured out, but I see now how easy it is to lose sight of what we hold onto and what we give to God when we’re in the middle of the yucky stuff.
I hope and pray as we walk into Christmas that if you are facing conflict in the New Year that God will show you in very special ways, from the smallest to the blow-us-away-extra-large-kind, that He is bigger than anything we face and ready to take over when we finally let go.
May He be the One thing we cling to tenaciously and joyously.
Praying and believing,