I don't like getting angry at God, and I can think of only one other time I've been angry with him. Now I can count two times, unfortunately. So much had gone wrong in such a short amount of time. Didn't God hear my prayers? And why was the very thing he'd called me to do so difficult and near impossible, no matter how hard I tried?
Nothing made sense.
After an evening of ranting at him about the unfairness of it all, I woke this morning still agitated. My morning quiet time started unsettled and caused me to despair. My peace was gone! The one place I could find solace brought me nothing. The more I sensed this, the more I wanted to pour out to him. I felt so dirty and just wanted to be clean again.
I set my devotionals aside and began to pray. I had a lot of confessing to do, I realized.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. — 1 John 1:9 (NIV)
God cleansed me, righted my spirit. Peace slowly returned and my mind became controlled again. My will finally submitted to his. Now I could listen.
And God spoke. "Are you ready to give it over to me now?"
When had I taken it back? I hadn't even noticed, but at those words, I knew I had. (He's God. If he says I took it back, I took it back!)
I don't think I've ever been so desperate to give something to God and be free of it. I handed it over, and the floodgates opened a teeny bit. I still have some ground to cover in the trust issue for this one area, but I'd like to think I learned a valuable lesson today.
We cannot succeed without God. I'd tried to accomplish what he asked without him and fell flat on my face. I didn't intend to go it alone. It just kind of happened. From now on I will check to be sure I'm following him before I go forward. One step at a time.
I leave you with this verse. It is a treasure I'm trying to crack open. To embrace its full meaning.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, — Ephesians 3:20
God working in me...I think I like his way better than mine.
Praying and trusting more...