I loved how you showed that even though a husband may try to draw his wife into it to "enrich" their sex life, it actually creates a vicious suction pool of addiction and despair. That is sooo true. Wives should not enter into it even one bit, or their own consciousness will begin to burn, their relationship with God will be burdened and their husbands will be in big trouble with God, I pray!
The only thing I wasn't as crazy about was the first question. She asked, "if it's not all about sex, then what is it about?" And I felt like you responded with an explanation of a man's sex drive. I felt like it was saying...it's about sex. He can't help it, this is what he likes to do, even though it doesn't please God. That's still just "sex." What I would say to a woman who is dealing with that with her husband is this:
"There are dozens of reasons why your man could be into porn. Of course, he might just plain like it. It's hot and sexy. Period. He's a guy. He might be getting great sex at home, or he might be deprived. Men with sex-loving wives can be into it, and men with frigid wives can be into it. Your husband might resent you. He might be angry at you. Using it to get back at you or control you. He might be stressed from work and needs a let down. He might be lonely. He might be bored. When he lets lonely, angry, bored, stressed, or tired, he may turn to porn because it is handy, provides quick, immediate relief and he has no better coping mechanisms. Relationships take energy, and he may not have the energy to wait the full hour it takes to use you, his wife, for his natural stress relief. He may be running from God. He knows he can get all he needs from Jesus, but chooses not to. He may love his wife, he may be sick of his wife...it may or may not have anything to do with his wife. Porn is easy, cheap, handy, fun. And he can rationalize it saying that "everybody is doing it." Even Christian guys get sucked into the idea that it's normal.
However. Afterwards, porn does leave guys feeling guilty, depressed, angrier at their wives, more discontent than ever, sneakier, wasting the family's finances, and eventually addicted, compulsively enslaved to it's drug-like effects. His relationship with God suffers as his heart grows colder and more numb to the Spirit of God. At this point the guy has to reach a "bottom-out" point before he will let God pull his white knuckles off the merry go round.
Wives do well to understand that it is not about them most of the time. Being prettier, bustier, wilder, riskier will not satisfy their husbands. It is like money...they will always want more. Women do well to pray for the Spirit of God to convict their husbands and open their eyes to the dangers. Because even if the marriage is in pretty good shape when the guy starts using porn, by the time it has run it's course it will damage his intimacy with his wife, no matter how understanding she is. She may not mind the porn, but she will might the secret internet accounts, the lies and the excuses. And she may begin to resent his lack of spiritual leadership even more as he falls further from the truth. Women must remember that the guys don't see porn stars as sleazy, needy, damaged, hurting, empty little girls like women do. Women are helpless to convince their husbands of anything. You can pray, fast, be sexually available, but don't let down your boundaries of what you are comfortable with. Be strong-minded and firm. Be understanding of their stress and remind them of other coping methods available...for example, be available for "quickies" after work, let him go running or golfing after work, find a constructive hobby, insist on more date nights, more guys' nights out. Be creative, but don't obsess about it. Realize above all that it is HIS responsibility to deal with it and with God and NOT YOURS. Or you will become more codependent and miserable, and lose your own identity and life in the process. Be sure that YOU are doing what you can to be on track with God, and doing your best in all your areas of responsibility and leisure.
You are loved and deeply empathized with by "zillions" of Christian/non-Christian women who are in your shoes. (Beware that if you talk about it with non-Christian friends, they may say they don't mind their husbands doing it because it's normal. But if you dig deeper, you may find that it did hurt them, but that they have given up because they have no paradigm for figuring out what is right and wrong in their life, and they can't get their husbands to stop either!)
Turn to Jesus. All husbands and wives hurt and disappoint each other. Jesus will never fail you or leave you alone. Climb up into HIS lap when it hurts to much to pray. God will do more than you can imagine through this painful process. He may grow you, make you stronger, more empathetic, more patient, more understanding, more compassionate, less judgmental, less rigid, less selfish, less arrogant. And he may take your husband on a journey of truly discovering forgiveness and salvation. God can work this for your and your husband's good as he promises.
Sincerely, One Who Knows
We Will continue this series Friday. Be Blessed, Lynn
Share your voice, heart and love in the comments.
Marching Around Jericho is a spiritual guide. As you read through the pages, powerful and transformative instruction and equipping takes place. We follow Jesus as he leads us around the walls, imparting kingdom truths with each passing, finally arriving at the gates of the walled-off city, our spouse’s unbelieving heart. After the circles in prayer are complete, we arrive fully prepared to command the walls to crumble and be removed, making a way for our spouse to step from the rubble of lies and captivity, into faith and freedom!