A few days ago I had the chance to visit with Rebecca Saville, who is a contributor here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. Rebecca has a Masters in Social Work and has been a counselor for 12 years. She is a deeply committed Christian and a mother of three. She has been married to a Navy Chaplain for 18 years.
Rebecca and I started talking about marriage, of course. I had some questions about how women’s needs are met through marriage. Her response was quite interesting and I thought I would share a few of her thoughts.
In her no nonsense manner she bluntly says, “Our husbands are unable to meet many of our different needs.”
We went on to talk about how many of us as girls are raised to believe that all or most of our emotional needs should be met by our husband and by our husband alone. Rebecca said that men are not emotionally wired up to be our best friend all of the time. Therefore we have permission to seek some of our needs from our girl friends.
As women have many needs that can be met outside of marriage and it is okay to meet those needs with others. For example:
You have a friend with whom you occasionally will go shopping or the movies. This friendship is surfacy and rarely do you move into areas of deeper discussion or meaning in your time together. This friendship meets a need for fun in your life. It is valid.
I found this particularly fascinating as I believed every friendship should move along in its development. Not necessary so. What a relief. I have extreme expectations of some friendships that are doomed to let me down. Now I can see the relationship for what it is and I can be okay with it or I can move on if need be.
Some friendships meet our deep spiritual needs yet you may never attend a movie with one of these friends. Also valid and meaningful.
Again, fascinating. I have many friends through my church Bible study where I am a facilitator. In these circle we discuss deeply meaningful and spiritual topics. We share some of our secretes with each other seeking healing and support. Yet, I have not been to a movie with most of them.
Needs for nurturing and care giving are met through our children.
We often can find complete joy and satisfaction in our children yet we would not share mature and intimate details with them.
Our spouses do meet many of our needs. The beginning of a life long marriage and lasting happiness is to gain understanding of your spouse and adjusting your expectations.
Men are wired up to handle many things we throw at them but when you are ready to throw yourself pity party….. call a girl friend.
Be blessed, Lynn
PS. Thanks Rebecca, love you!
Please join me at The Internet Cafe at Christian Women Online for another lesson learned at the campgroup.