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13 entries from February 2007

His Need: Recreational Compatitility - II

Why do men find recreational compatibility enormously important?

Among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband. ---Dr. Willard Harley, His Needs, Her Needs

This interest is difficult to navigate. Before marriage, both partners show interest and participation in the recreation choices of the other. After marriage, it is critical to find common spheres of interest. Dr. Harley discusses how easily someone can engage in recreational activities with someone other than their spouse and love bank deposits are made in that person’s bank.

Having fun and playing with your spouse is crucial. Common interests also build on the communication needs in marriage.

Dr. Harley’s fourth law of Marriage: The couple that plays together stays together.

A mature agreement by both partners to meet each other’s needs is always the best solution. So talk to your spouse. What fun things can you do together?

Up Next: She needs to trust him totally – Honesty and Openness.

His Need: Recreational Compatitility

The weekend is upon us, a perfect time to visit the Love Bank. How can we store up more deposits in our husbands love bank?

The second need for men in Dr. Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs is Recreational Companionship.

It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. Women find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. After marriage, wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own likening. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. I consider that option very dangerous to a marriage. –Dr. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs.

This is an interesting perspective Dr. Harley puts forth. Why do men find recreational compatibility enormously important?

Next Post: The Answer.

Be blessed, Lynn

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday at Spiritually Unequal Marriage is an opportunity to give thanks to the King for our spouses.

Ugh! There is a job around here that is loathsome, icky, and revolting... Yes, I hate to scoop the poop. I have two pooches that can fill our yard in a single day. My hubby knows how I detest this job. He willingly takes on the title of Pooper Scooper and spares me.

My hero!!! Thanks Sweetie!!

How does your guy spare you? Be blessed this day and give your guy a hug! Lynn

Your Deliverance Is At Hand!

I am compelled to interrupt our current series to discuss something the Holy Spirit is impressing on me today, actually all weekend. I know that I often project a very positive attitude about my marriage. I share with you the hope I have found in Christ to face the special challenges and issues spiritually mismatched marriage brings.

I want to tell you I do have real hope and optimism for my marriage and my husband’s salvation. Sometimes, however, I feel defeated. I experience what many of you experience. This week specifically appears to be a very trying week for many of us who are unequally yoked. This weekend my husband and I engaged in a “loud discussion." Religion or faith always enters the fray. Why does this happen??? I am perplexed. *frown* This week I am not alone. Many are in a dark, seemingly hopeless place.

It is time to share a strong and dangerous promise. God will not leave you there in the dark. He will change your situation. Okay, I said it. I know it to be true and I ask you to cling to this promise while you serve in your bondage.

He asks two things of you to move you to the Promised Land:

1. Read His word everyday.
2. Pray specifically every morning and throughout the day as He prompts you.

I also need to promise you one other outlandish truth from God.

He WILL deliver you.

It won’t be the way you expect.

When He has honed your character, strengthened your faith, grown you to maturity, that is the day God will deliver you to a land more outrageous, beautiful, rich and more abundant than you can conceive. I am not talking about heaven. He will deliver you here on earth as well. I PROMISE!


I, too, walked through the dark valley this week, but the promise at the other end was so valuable, I would have given everything to receive it. I have more to share about this later though, as the story is still unfolding.

Please write to me if you need prayer. The prayer team at Spiritually Unequal Marriage are committed believers who will faithfully pray for you for seven days. How awesome is God to have warriors waiting to stand in the gap for you. How can we pray for you or the dark place that is holding you in bondage, your spouse, your kids and relationship with our Deliverer, Jesus?

Be blessed, Lynn

She Needs Conversation

A woman uses about 20,000 words per day while a man uses about 7,000. The female brain is a lean, mean communicating machine, according to Dr. Louann Brizendine, clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. Of course, the statistics vary but what is undisputed is women need to talk.

In our series discovering the needs of men and women, today we are looking at the second need for women in marriage, the need for conversation. Women have a deep need for conversation about her day, people she may have encountered and ---most of all—how she feels about them. She wants verbal attention.

She wants to be with someone who—in her perception---cares deeply about her and for her. When she perceives this kind of caring, she feels close to the person with whom she talks. In the female psyche, conversation blends with affection to help the woman feel united with the other person.---Dr. Willard Harley, His Needs, Her Needs.
This is Dr. Harley’s Third Law of Marriage: Caring Partners Converse in a Caring Way.

How to make deposits in the love bank of your spouse with good conversation:

Develop interest in each other’s favorite topics of conversation. Begin your conversation with a subject that interests your spouse and the conversation will move on to others subjects. Sometimes we just need to get them talking.
Balancing the conversation. Let your spouse talk at first. Don’t interrupt. Let your spouse talk, suggested 10 minutes, then add to the conversation and don’t monopolize.
Using conversation to inform, investigate, and understand your spouse. Inform each other of your personal interests and activities. Investigate each other’s personal feelings and attitudes without trying to change them. Understand each other’s motivation in life. What makes them sad, happy, hot or cold.
Giving each other undivided attention. Don’t talk during the football game find fifteen hours alone in the week for undivided attention.

Fifteen hours, Dr. Harley, firmly suggests this to husbands. This is typical in the dating phase of the relationship. So how do we get our husband’s to talk? This is tricky and Dr. Harley offers too many tips to list here. He recommends several books to help. I believe you need to start with a conversation in a quiet and uninterrupted time and place and talk about this need honestly. You and your spouse decide how to meet this need together.

Happy talking! Be blessed, Lynn
If you would like the suggested reading list, please e-mail me.

Next Up: He needs recreational companionship

Sex - What She needs to Know

I want to share an interesting conversation I had with the Psychologist who works with me here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage. We were talking about how women can spice up their husband's sex life in marriage.

Sexual relationships can become shipwrecked in many ways. Today I want to point out a common problem. Women, we have forgotten how to be feminine. Yes, our guys really do like feminine women.

How can we attain physical intimacy? TAKE BACK YOUR POWER OF FEMININITY!

1. Be the woman that your husband would want to make love to. Ephesians 4:29 (New International Version)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Men feel torn down by their own wives. Constant nagging, complaining, haranguing over and over wears down a man’s spirit. Yes, this detracts from the desire he feels in the bedroom.

He desires to be admired, respected and loved for who he is, especially by his soul-mate!!! Do we really get this? Memorize this verse in Ephesians make it your life goal. You hold all the power given to you by God to seduce your man and it starts by your words.

Here are what I call “Where the rubber meets the road” suggestions:
 Decrease criticism – Increase praise
 Say I love you often. Your spouse is not a mind reader.
 Spend time together alone without the kids.
 Verbally admire your spouses’ positive traits.
 R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I cannot over emphasize how important respect is to a man.
 Listen (really hear him) and understand his perspective. This will develop closeness

2. Look Feminine: Sexy jeans, a skirt, lip-gloss before he arrives home. Perfume to cover the throw-up smell, just kidding. Change the shirt. A little perfume always is feminine. If we look frumpy don’t expect your husband to be attracted.

Naked is always a good attraction. However, more important: Enthusiasm. Enthusiasm paired with your not so-perfect body trumps a slim airbrushed two-dimensional body any day. He will notice.

Inexpensive Suggestions:
 Add a new look or outfit you have not worn in a while
 Trench coat or fur coat (nothing under)
 Experiment with Saran Wrap.
 Add a new Place. Creates adventure
 Add a new position. Creates more adventure

Thank you, Rebecca for your insight and suggestions. The readers here and their spouses are truly grateful!

Be blessed, Lynn


As we continue our series these are the common difficulties in meeting the needs of your spouse:

1. Men are in touch with their sexuality because of their basic male drive. He often lacks skill in lovemaking and therefore more or less use his wife. Because his technique is unaffectionate, she becomes more and more infuriated.
2. Women don’t usually understand their sexuality therefore don’t know how to meet their husbands driving need for sex. In order to satisfy her husband sexually a wife must also feel satisfied.

Men and women should commit themselves to learning to enjoy the sex relationship. ---Dr. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs (Paraphrased)

This is where I believe many married couples go wrong. We choose NOT to learn. We are embarrassed or feel shame in talking about sex. Women tend to be ultra sensitive dealing with this subject. May I offer some simple advice? GET OVER IT!!! I know you have heard this before, God ordained marriage and sex. Have you read Song of Songs? It could be an X-rated movie. God created us as sexual beings to enjoy one another.

Today, give yourself permission to learn more. Here are several links to Christian articles that discuss some of the details regarding sex. You will be surprised about how liberal the Bible is about married sex. The articles are written by Christian sex therapists.

Christianity Today: Better Sex (click Here for all articles)

Christian Sex Rules

Sex Without Reservations

'It' Doesn't Just Happen-A lifetime prescription for sizzling sex.

Scheduling Intimacy

The Martial Golden Rule by Dr. Willard Harley: Meet your spouse's needs, as you would want your spouse to seek to meet yours!

Blessings, Lynn

Next up: She needs Conversation!

His Need: Sexual Fulfillment

In this series, we have looked at the first thing a woman needs in a marriage relationship, affection. Today we are going to begin to look at a man’s primary need in a marriage relationship, sexual fulfillment.

Dr. Harley writes: The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection. If both sides want to listen and change, a couple may solve this without much difficulty. Remember, affection is the environment of the marriage, sex is the special event. –

LD: Women cannot conceive what it is like for a man to have testosterone surging through his body. Many men tell Dr. Harley they wish their sex drive weren’t so strong. But they just can’t help it. They need to make love. Dr. Harley goes on to explain that the disparity is further exacerbated in that most couples enter marriage sexually unprepared. Men often feel prepared and are not. Women often don’t understand their own sexuality and are therefore unable to help their husbands make appropriate sexual adjustments to them. In compatibility sets in and the couple is on the path to frustration and disappointment.

How the Achieve Sexual Compatibility:---Willard Harley, His Needs, Her Needs:

 Overcome your sexual ignorance. A husband and wife must each understand their own sexuality and their own sexual responses.
 Communicate your sexual understanding to each other. A husband and wife must learn how to share what they have learned about their own sexual response, so that they can each achieve sexual pleasure and fulfillment together.

Many sexual conflicts are resolved when a husband and wife learn what actually happens – emotional and physiologically – when they make love to each other. The sexual experience divides into these stages:

1. Arousal
2. Plateau
3. Climax
4. Recovery

LD: I have decided not to cover the details of these stages during this series. I would highly recommend you read the book, buy it, borrow it, check it out from the library. Getting your mind around the physical and emotional part of sex is essential to a great marriage.

17884: His Needs, Her Needs--15th Anniversary Edition His Needs, Her Needs--15th Anniversary Edition

By Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Other helpful hints: Women visit: Carol at She Lives: She has a funny yet true post about 20 years of marriage.
Becomming at Better Wife, Sting My Heart.
Help, I've misplaced my Sexual Desire, Proverbs 31 Ministry.

***If you have found other posts along these lines, please e-mail me and I will add them here. Blessings my friends, Hope your valentines week is filled with lots affection and great sex. Lynn

Note: Please read the additions to the Affection List. They were suggested by one of our male readers and they are great!! Thank you, CS.

Next Post: Meeting Each Other’s Needs and The Marital Golden Rule:

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday at Spiritually Unequal Marriage is an opportunity to give thanks to the King for our spouses.

Today as we approach Valentine's Day I am reminded of faithful and genuine love my husband has for me. I love his smile, his laugh, his touch, his smell, his voice and his commitment to family, and...and...and..... What character traits do you love about your mate?

Affection List for Women

The List:

1. Hug and kiss your wife every morning, while you are still in bed.
2. Tell her that you love her, while you’re having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day, to see how she is doing.
5. Bring her flowers once in a while as a surprise (be sure to include a card that expresses your love for her).
6. Gifts for special occasions (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day) should be sentimental, not practical. Learn how to shop for a woman.
7. After work, call her before you leave for home, so that she can know when to expect you.
8. When you arrive home from work, give her a hug and a kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how Her day went.
9. Help with the dishes, after dinner.
10. Hug and kiss her every night, before you both go to sleep.

Great Book Suggestion from Sting My Heart: A love worth Giving" my Max Lucado

She Needs Affection

Was the Emotional Needs Questionnaire difficult? Did your answers surprise you?

Let’s take a look at the first thing she can’t do without- Affection: Affection Is the Cement of a Relationship:

To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages:
1. I’ll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.
2. I’m concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.
3. I think you’ve done a good job, and I’m so proud of you. –His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
*warm sigh*

If only our guys would get it! We need to hug. It is a wonderful display of affection. Women love to hug. I personally hug everybody, all the time. In fact, I can be down right annoying; my standard greeting is a hug.

Dr. Harley writes that many men grow up with little demonstrative affection from their families. This is especially true if the mother is reserved or absent from their lives. The truth is many men do not know how to display this affection that their wives desperately need.

The second issue here is: how does Dr. Harley describe it? “Many times a hug is a direct path to the bedroom which leaves a women feeling used.” The love bank is quickly depleted under these circumstances.

Read this example of a common couple from the book:

Bruce bristles with a bit of macho impatience and says, “You’ve know me for years. I’m not the affectionate type, and I’m not going to start now!”

Does this sound incredible or farfetched? I hear version of it regularly in my office. That Bruce fails to see the irony in wanting sex but refusing to give his wife affection would seem amusing if it weren’t so pathetic.

This leads to the first law of Marriage:

When it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other!

So what is a woman to do? I believe we have more influence than we think. Retraining or offering suggestions is possible. Dr. Harley tells us, any man can learn to be affectionate. GREAT NEWS!

This calls for an honest conversation with our spouses. Make a date night. Talk over these two primary needs. But wait, we need to cover a man’s need for sexual fulfillment to be prepared to understand his needs. (In an upcoming post)

I want to share a list in the next post of specifics you can print out and talk about over dinner with our spouse. The List will be posted next followed by The First Thing He Can’t do Without—Sexual Fulfillment.Be blessed, Lynn

Christian Women Online

Christian Women Online published my story (testimony) in the February edition of the Ezine. I am deeply grateful and humble that Darlene asked me to share my story with the CWO audience.

The story is a real and true account of the miracle and change in our marriage. If God can change me, a bull-headed and prideful woman, and my husband, God can change anyone.

I hope you have a minute to pop over for a read. I am praying God will encourage you through this story and all the awesome articles at Christian Women Online!

Story: My Best Friend....

Be blessed, Lynn

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday at Spiritually Unequal Marriage is an opportunity to give thanks to the King for our spouses.

My spouse, although a nonbeliever, encourages me to write about our life experiences with the hope it will help someone who is struggling with the unique issues of a spiritual mismatch. He often reads my posts before they are final to offer his perspective, writing critique and his encouragement.

Today I am humble and grateful because my spouse supports and encourages me in this ministry for spiritually mismatched couples.

Thank you Sweetie!
What amazing thing does your spouse do to bring you surprise and joy?
Be Blessed, Lynn