The battle is already raging around me. Conflicting thoughts invade my conscious mind flashing swiftly. Do I go to church today? I could stay home. Will I have to fight with my kids to get them to church with me? Will my husband get out of bed? I know I am going to be angry, I can already feel it. God wants me to join Him. I want to sing! Is it a football Sunday, there is not a chance my hubby will be joining me. Is there?
Yikes!! What a mess and I haven’t even jumped out of bed yet!!
Sunday was torture for me. I usually experience one the two scenarios on any given Sunday morning: 1) Anger or frustration followed by pouting before I left for church or 2) anger or frustration followed by pouting arriving home from church.
In the early years of our marriage, I was convinced that if my husband would just attend church and hear the truth of God’s word, he would be saved and life would be forever blissful. I pushed him hard to go to church with me. I must admit that this man loves me because he would attend from time-to-time just to keep the peace and make me happy. But what resentment this created in his heart - a story for another day.
On mornings when he refused to attend, my anger and disappointment would erupt. I couldn’t help it. Sometimes I would bang things around or tears would just come and I would leave for church feeling completely deflated. Bing, enemy wins this round.
Many mornings I went off to church alone with a smile on my face and with great anticipation in my heart. I would experience the mountaintop with God through worship. The pastor would deliver a message that had me practically skipping when I left church. Then…… I would arrive home and the lump under the covers was still under the covers. To this day, I cannot figure out why this bothered me so much. I became angry in an instant and the experience of the morning evaporated. Bing, enemy wins this round also.
Slowly, slowly through honest prayer I released my disappointments to Christ. I would pray in the car while driving to or from church, Jesus, I am crawling up into your arms for comfort. Sooth my heart and let me turn to you for the companionship I desire at church. Lord, sit with me so I won’t feel alone. Amen
I prayed along these lines many times and for months and not just in the car. Jesus used my loneliness to draw me to Him. At the time, I didn’t comprehend that I was placing my husband at the center of my church experience but Christ knew. Jesus wanted my whole heart and when I began to give it to Him, he would cradle me in the most amazing and supernatural way in His gentle yet firm arms. I still love to crawl into the arms of my Savior today and He still loves to hold on to me.
Slowly I released my negative feelings directed at my husband. I can attend church with or without him and I am happy.
Tomorrow I will talk about one other strong flash point for me: Grief in the Sanctuary!
Be blessed, Lynn
Share your voice, heart and love in the comments.
Marching Around Jericho is a spiritual guide. As you read through the pages, powerful and transformative instruction and equipping takes place. We follow Jesus as he leads us around the walls, imparting kingdom truths with each passing, finally arriving at the gates of the walled-off city, our spouse’s unbelieving heart. After the circles in prayer are complete, we arrive fully prepared to command the walls to crumble and be removed, making a way for our spouse to step from the rubble of lies and captivity, into faith and freedom!