Our Place of Influence (Part 2): What does that look like?

Last week I wrote about our place of influence in our marriage. How do we get there and what does it look like? Let’s start where I ended last week.

1. Pray for wisdom and guidance. It starts right here. Without God’s wisdom and guidance, none of this is possible. It’s like groping in the dark for a light switch. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5). First and foremost, we need to be cultivating a relationship with God. If you do just this one thing, the rest of the steps below will fall into place.

2. Pray for change in you. As I shared last week, we are often the heart of our families. That means we are also a catalyst for change. Ask God to help you be the wife and mother HE (not your husband or family) needs you to be. This means you’re asking God to use you to be this person of influence and change in the lives of your husband and children. This means asking God to help you see your husband as a blessing, not a burden. We are not martyrs in our own homes, but we can be missionaries.

3. Pray for your husband. This is most likely your highest calling. Pray for his protection, for his mind and heart to know and accept Jesus, and pray for him as the leader of your family. He may not be the spiritual leader of your family right now, but he is still the leader of you and your family in general. Allow him to lead! This is where you will find your greatest calling and challenge as a wife—to stand by your husband, to affirm him as a man, as a husband, as a father. In doing this we serve him and we serve God. The amazing thing is, when we take this place, we discover what God truly means by, “and the two will become one.” This is a beautiful place of partnership where we work together as a team, as a “we” and not two “I”s working against each other. Our greatest gift to our husband is to help him reach his God-given potential, even in the midst of his unbelief or lagging faith. Remember, God is working there too.

4. Pray for your children. This is your legacy. This is your influence on future generations. This is your mark on eternity. As I said before, we often set the tone and pattern in our family. Nothing has been more rewarding than to see my oldest daughter choose a relationship with a godly man and desire to have a marriage based upon God’s design. Even in their engagement I see these two taking their God-given and ordained places in their relationship. It is truly a thing of beauty. All the years that I’ve poured into my marriage and into my family are bearing fruit in her. That is so humbling and so rewarding. I’ve already received some of my treasure in the here and now.

5. Pray for and encourage other women in mismatched marriages. Lynn and I are walking and talking testimonies to this. If you look at 2 Cor. 1:3-7, you’ll see that God never intends for us to keep what we know about and learn from Him to ourselves. Those areas of victory will be used to help others. That right there is another blessing we can receive in this lifetime. I can think of no better way to serve God than to share His hope—to share Him—with others so that they too can know love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control in their lives and their marriages. This is the example we have in Titus 2 as well.

6. Be still and know God is God. Quit trying to fix your husband, your kids, your life...youself. If you look at the Lord’s prayer, the end affirms that God’s kingdom, power and glory are forever. Pray these prayers and then trust that God is already in action. He probably was even before you said a word. The hardest part is waiting on God’s timing. I waited 16 years for my husband to accept my faith, to accept this is who I am and I’m not going to change. It’s a small step forward and worth the wait. Ten years ago I was impatient and anxious for my husband to know Jesus NOW! Today I am content and thankful that he now accepts my faith, understands this is who I am, and chooses to love me and walk the road of marriage together.

My friends, I write these things from my heart and from my experience. And with this comes the full understanding that we cannot do this, fill this place of influence without constantly seeking God for strength, wisdom and courage. Do not let your husband’s unbelief and the lies of the enemy tell you that you can’t be this kind of wife to your husband. You can and God will give you everything you need to do so.

Just trust Him. Trust Him to equip you. The most amazing part of this journey, for me, is finding myself and my life in Christ. This is the part that’s hard to put in words other than to say that there is nothing more peaceful and empowering than walking in obedience to God. Had I clung to what I wanted instead of allowing God to be the one in control, I would not have the marriage I have now. I wouldn’t have the life of joy I’m experiencing now! This is what Jesus meant when he said we must lose our life to get it back and that his burden is light. Though our lives will always have conflicts, challenges and trials, His way is the best way to live a life of joy and peace in the midst of it all.

In walking this path as a mismatched wife I have found purpose, joy and amazing faith. This is God’s doing, not mine. And we have so much more waiting for us in heaven. That’s when we will see the full picture of what our place of influence truly accomplished for God.

Amen?

Lynn shared that we’ll be giving away two copies of the Resolution for Women. I feel led to buy one for myself, sign it and put it in a card for my husband as a Valentine’s Day present. To be honest, the idea scares me—what will my husband think of it? How will he react? I’m choosing to step out in courage and follow what I believe to be God asking me to testify openly to my husband what my place in our marriage means to me. I’m praying for God’s courage and for my husband’s heart to receive my gift.

Is God calling you to have courage and take a step of faith in your marriage?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

The Battle with Fear

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand 
and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. — Isaiah 41:13

Fear can be an all out, guns blazing affair or a subtle thief that sneaks in and steals our joy. I realized this past weekend that fear had done just that to me lately—stolen my joy. I asked God to help me get it back, but I also needed to know what I’d allowed in the steal it away.

I don’t know about you, but fear is something I’ve had to battle from time to time. Fear of going new places, fear of what the future holds, fear of rejection, etc. I’d imagine you could add your own to that list.

As God spoke to my heart, I had to ask Him, what was I afraid of this time? What had I allowed to sneak in and steal my joy?

Worry. Fear. Anxiousness. Complete and utter lack of control of circumstances like never before.

More specifically, worry about the future of my youngest daughter, who now lives 3,000 miles away and is learning to make good decisions (that’s code for making not great ones but learning). Worry about our financial future in light of a year of little to no income. Worry about my mother’s health issues. Worry about getting all my work done and trying to contribute something to our financial picture.

Worry, worry, worry! I’d let the old bugger creep in and steal my joy. Again! And this came from fear of the unknown. I’d let my fear distract my focus from Jesus, and that left the door wide open for Worry to waltz in and make itself at home.

As I sat in Bible study later that morning, a question was posed to us. It was, “What’s one thing that would make you happy right now?”

I turned to my neighbor and said, “That my daughter would be okay.” And as I turned back around, I heard God’s small voice tell me, “I will do that for you.”

You know, God doesn’t just leave us with a command to not be afraid and then walk away. He jumps right in and takes our hand, holds us and gives us exactly what we need at just the right moment.

“I will do that for you.”

“I will help you.”

What are you afraid of right now? Have you reached out to God and told Him about your fears? Have you poured out your heart and grabbed hold of Him?

He’s already holding you. He has everything worked out. Most of the time we don’t know what that looks like, but we can trust God and believe Him.

Do you believe Him?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Still an Atheist?

Something interesting happened last week. My youngest daughter and my husband were watching a TV show featuring Penn Jillette. My daughter explained how Jillette spoke of his atheism as not knowing if God existed—not a surety that He didn’t. She asked her dad if that’s whet he believed.

He said yes. He just didn’t know.

I confess, I didn’t know what to make of that. I still don’t. I wasn’t there to hear the conversation first hand, so I could ask more questions. And something in my gut says to leave it alone for now.

But I keep asking myself (and God for that matter) if that means he’s not an atheist anymore. Atheism is the rejecting of the belief in the divine. Atheists do not believe that a higher power, so to speak, exists. Agnostics, however, believe the existence of a God (or any other form of a higher power) is unknown.

So, is he still an atheist, or is he now agnostic?

I just don't know.

This has been my journey since my daughter told me about this. I started praying for guidance and wisdom naturally, but also for guidance on how to pray for my husband. Did this shift of belief (if that’s truly what it is) warrant a change in how I prayed for him?

A few days later I came to this verse in 1 Corinthians 2. Paul is speaking about a person’s thoughts being known only to the spirit within them. He also explains how a person without the Spirit cannot accept the things that come from the Spirit of God. He then finishes the chapter with this:

But we have the mind of Christ.

As I read this verse, I believe God showed me that I had been praying for my husband’s heart, which is good. But my husband is a deeply intellectual and logical man. The true battleground is his mind. God was telling me to pray for my husband to have the mind of Christ.

Honestly, I still don’t know what to make of this. And I’m beginning to see that God probably planned it that way—that I not be there. I would have overanalyzed (more than I am now) and questioned instead of trusting that God is in control.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Weekend Devo — Purple Turkeys

My daughter and I have this code word when one of us upset or discouraged. The other will say “purple turkeys.” It never fails to make us laugh and break the down moment. (And special thanks to her 6th grade, Ms. Ward, teacher for this wonderful tool.)

Now I really believe God has the best sense of humor (how could He not since He created it, right?). One day last week, my daughter and I were on our way home. This route I take is hilly and beautiful. We often see a fair amount of wildlife on our way too.

Well, this particular day, my daughter pointed out these two large birds in a tree. They had to be about 3 to 4 stories up this tree. I thought maybe they were vultures or something similar. But my daughter, who is a wild life aficionado, said they were turkeys. (No they weren’t purple.)

I asked her how that was possible. Turkey’s fly a little but not that high and certainly not easily. She told me they go from one branch to another.

My quirky brain immediately made a connection to our lives as children of God and as spiritually mismatched spouses. I even said to her, “That’s a blog post!” She promptly laughed at me.

So, how do two turkeys in a tree relate to our spiritual and marriage walks? When I saw those two birds, my first thought was that it was impossible for them to get that high, yet there they sat as happy as two large gangly birds could be.

Don't’ we do that in our lives and in our marriages? We see the big picture of whatever challenge we face, whether it’s a calling, a trial, or spouse’s staunch unbelief and we think it’s just not possible to get from where we are to where we’d like or want to be. Yes, we’re looking at it from our own power but it’s more than that.

We’re also only seeing on possibility. Like the turkey’s, I only saw the distance from the ground to their lofty perch. My daughter pointed out the steps in between.

That’s it! That’s what clicked. God knows the big picture and we may have an idea of what that is (like our spouses coming to faith), but there are steps to take and branches to climb, one by one, to reach that goal. We can’t bypass them. Like the turkeys, we’d fail if we tried to reach that end goal without following God along the steps to the branches in between.

Our biggest hindrance is our impatience. So let’s be like the turkeys and look for the where God is working to reach that goal. Then we can join Him on what I’m sure will be the most amazing and rewarding journey we can ever take.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

The Battle That's Coming

“And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Act 20:22-24

This morning I came across this passage in my Bible. Exactly one year ago today, I highlighted and made a note about it. The timing makes sense because I do the Bible in a year reading plan, but I can’t help thinking its timeliness is also God inspired.

Here is what I wrote on July 18, 2010 about this passage:

This verse speaks to me in light of our “mission” as unequally yoked spouses. We do not know what the future holds, but we do know God has called us to this path for a most noble and great reason. When we can see this, I believe it is then that our burden becomes light and we are willing to commit and fight for our cause—our spouse’s salvation.

I needed to read this today—needed a reminder of what’s at stake. “Things” are heating up right now, and I say that based more upon what I sense God telling me than what I’m seeing. God knows what a wimp I can be so I know He’s preparing me for whatever is about to hit.

The next few months will be very telling, I believe. What I do see is the proverbial heat is being turned up under my husband. I see him stressed like I never have before and he’s reacting to it. My normally even-keeled guy is struggling to find his footing for the first time in his life. And all of this is playing out as God showed me it would.

It’s not easy to watch someone you love struggle and know you really can’t do anything about it except be there for them. But I know this is part of what God needs to do to bring down the walls of unbelief and reveal Jesus to my guy. That gives me huge amounts of strength and comfort.

I confess though that part of me is fighting some fear, because I know whatever is coming will affect my life as well the lives of our daughters. My desire is to be able handle it in a way that glorifies God, to partner with Him in this process. I want to truly be that aroma of Christ (2Cor. 2:14-16) for my husband through whatever happens.

We’ve talked about trust here a lot. I believe trusting God as completely as we are capable of doing so at any given time is key to walking through the fires of life successfully. So I’m trusting God on a whole new level right now and I find myself constantly praying for my husband.

Lord, bring him to faith. Do whatever you have to. Your will be done.

How about you? Is God nudging/pushing you to trust Him more in a particular area of your life? Your marriage?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Moments of Truth

Sometimes I forget how far apart my husband and I are on the issue of faith. We are pretty much on the same page for most things except this one area. Every so often a subject will come up (usually political) and I'm reminded that we sit on very opposite sides.

Those are the moments that push me to the reality that there is nothing I can do or say to make him understand the difference between what’s perceived as truth today and THE TRUTH. They're also the times that tendrils of doubt try to creep in and steel my hope.

It's easy to give into that place of despair. Our minds imagine the worst possible scenarios. We give into our fears of nothing ever changing or even worse, that our spiritual disconnect will destroy our marriage.

I went to that place for a brief moment just the other day, and even had a moment of panic about my marriage. Would we come to heads over an issue where he couldn’t agree to disagree? We’ve hedged there before. I don’t feel the need to change his mind on these issues because one, I know I can’t and two, I trust God to do a much better job than I can.

Still, it’s not a pleasant reality to be faced with and I know I would be in this place more if I didn’t place my trust in Christ on a daily basis.

That’s our greatest challenge in our mismatched marriages, isn’t it? To trust God for the future of this person we love and for our own futures in the meantime.

I’m reminded of the Scripture in Matthew 6 that tells us not to worry about tomorrow because today carries enough trouble of its own. I used to think this verse was only about not worrying, but I think perhaps there’s a subtler message we can glean from it.

The here is now is the only place we can live. When we focus on what’s already happened or anticipate what could be, we run the risk of not being in the present. And I think that’s where Jesus is asking us to be in this life.

Yes, we are to have an eternal perspective, but not at the sacrifice of the present moment. Especially ones of significance. The ones that make you stop and take notice. The ones that subtly mark a transition or a transcendence of the ordinary and shout that God is present. Right there. Right now.

Whether our unbelieving loved ones take notice or not, God wants us to see. To notice when He is moving among our lives, through the interactions of loves one, or the “coincidental” connection to a stranger who seems to arrive at just the right time.

When I see these moments, I take note. I remember them because they remind me that the impossible is indeed possible when it comes to God. He is not limited to only those who love Him. He can move and bring change wherever He wills. We are the ones who see limitations and failure where God sees possibilities and potential.

This is where I want to live in my marriage. In the now. In the moments that allow me to love my husband despite our faith difference and find ways to connect and nurture our relationship. I can do this only when I trust God and His strength to bring change to a situation that sometimes seems so unchangeable.

So I push away the panic and fear and replace them with the promises in God’s Word and I remember the moments of revelation that have spoken to me in the past of God’s presence. I sink into the all-comforting truth that God is truly and always faithful.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Let's Not Fool Ourselves

 

Yesterday, Lynn wrote a great post about Missionary Dating at the Internet Cafe. She and I have talked about this frequently because we want to be clear that walking willingly into a mismatched marriage is not God's will for our lives.

So I'd like to add to this topic from the sense of the heart and spirit. Here at S.U.M. we talk about our struggles in our mismatched marriages and how to trust God to help us thrive in them. But today I want to talk to those who are knowingly dating or considering dating and unbeliever. Here are some things I truly want you to think about.

• If you are reading this blog, you are more than likely pursuing a relationship with Jesus. Your faith is important to you. And you’ve probably experienced that unspoken connection to other believers that is so unique to the body of Christ. You can't share that kind of connection with an unbeliever. You can't share the essence of who you are with that person because they just won't get it. Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal to you right now, but it will be.
  
  Right from the Garden of Eden God intended for us to have this connection, for the two to become one. One in spirit. We can't be one in spirit with a person who isn't a believer. This is our greatest heartbreak in a mismatched marriage. We cannot share the very core of who we are with that person.
  
  
• Think ahead. Imagine that you wind up marrying this person, thinking he or she will surely come to faith at some point. Are you willing to wait 10, 20, or 30 years? Are you willing to deal with the constant struggle and prayer for this person to come to faith even if it doesn't happen until the very end of their life? Or not at all? Can you live with that possibility?
  
  This may seem harsh but it is a reality we deal with in a mismatched marriage. We have a role to play to be a sacred influence to our unbelieving spouse but it's not easy. As women we do not have a spiritual leader to walk with and have his protection over us. We are a lone warrior fighting against the enemy's persistent determination to keep our unbelieving spouse from coming to know Jesus. We fight every day.
  
  
• Think ahead even more. Do you want children? If so, then you want them to know Jesus and have an eternity secure with Him. What if your spouse is opposed to you taking them to church? Opposed to you sharing your faith with them because they feel it's all misconceptions or not even true? Children bring a whole new dynamic to a marriage. Children change perspectives and priorities. Often for women, children bring us back to a fervent faith in our desire to raise our children to know God. That's not the case with an unbelieving spouse and they may very well oppose you, especially if they are of another faith and belief system.
  
  
• Don’t even go there. Maybe you think you can “lightly date,” but don’t fool yourself. We’ve heard in movies that the heart chooses whom it will love. Well, that’s partly true. Love is a choice, but why put yourself in a position where you may fall in love with an unbeliever? That will only cause you and that other person unnecessary pain. Spend time with friends. Save dating for it’s true intent—to get to know someone you’d like to get to know better in the sense of building a love relationship with the goal of marriage. Don’t let yourself get sideswiped by your heart or the enemy.

My intention here is not to make anyone feel condemned but to bring out the truth. For those of us walking the path of being spiritually mismatched, we do experience God's power working in our lives and marriages. Our situations have forced us in many ways to be more intentional about our faith and our marriages. We work hard to make our marriages work.

But it is not a path we would recommend you take. Quite the opposite because we know intimately the heartache and that obedience to God is best path, no matter what decision we face. We know this because that means we are following God's will and His will is always best. Always.

So if you are in this place, not married to an unbeliever but dating or even considering marrying one, step back. Pray. Seek God honestly about what you are doing. Be willing to do whatever He asks you to do because you know that His plan for you is always for good (Rom. 8:28). Trust Him with your future.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

The Intentional Marriage — Confrontation

Welcome to our video broadcast of The Intentional Marriage. Have your Bible handy because we'll be looking at Luke 12:11-12 as we explore how to speak the truth in love using prayer and preparation.

Who Do You Trust?

A terrific storm came up suddenly on the lake. Water poured in, and they were about to capsize. They woke Jesus: "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" Getting to his feet, he told the wind, "Silence!" and the waves, "Quiet down!" They did it. The lake became smooth as glass. Then he said to his disciples, "Why can't you trust me?" —Luke 8:23-25 (The Message)

I know this is a passage that we are all pretty familiar with, but for some reason (God’s of course) when I read it yesterday, the significance of its meaning hit me anew. When I looked up The Message translation of these verses, I knew God wanted me to talk about trust. I’d suspected this for about a week—just love how He brings things like this front and center in His time—just wasn’t sure about the how.

So let’s talk about trust—trusting God is our greatest challenge in the life. I believe it’s something you and I will grapple with on a daily basis for the rest of our lives. We begin to trust God in one area of our life only to find ourselves facing new challenges or an entirely different area of our life that we’ve yet to completely place our trust in God. It’s just the way it works. It’s our training ground. It’s how God works.

Trust isn’t easy though, especially when we’re dealing with the unknown. But that’s the whole definition of trust, isn’t it? Accepting the truth of something without evidence? (Heb. 11:1) Isn’t it about trusting God so completely that we know that we know that we know that whatever we are facing or will face, God is right there in the middle of it working for our good because we love Him and are called according to His purpose? (Rom. 8:28)

The amazing part of all this is Jesus is asking us to trust the truth. Want your mind blown away?

Jesus is Truth. (John 14:6) He is the ultimate and unchanging Truth, the most reliable Truth we have in our lives. We live in a world that loosely defines truth as whatever works in the current moment. The world’s truth is always changing and is completely unreliable. What may be true for one person isn’t true at all for another. What was true ten years ago, or even last year, for that matter, isn’t true today.

But Jesus is true for everyone, all the time. No matter what, we can trust Him for anything and everything in our lives and until we begin holding onto this, we will continue to be thrashed around by the storms of life.

What I love about this piece of Scripture is the clear example of Jesus in action. The rocking boat, the raging water, the rain and the wind are all the trials, challenges, struggles, bad news and set backs we will ever face in this life.

The disciples calling out to Jesus is exactly what we’re supposed to do in those storms. And just like then, Jesus is right here now to calm the waters, comfort us, and then challenge our faith, “Do you trust me? Can you trust Me more?”

This is His gentle rebuke when the boat rocks and we cry for help—His reminder that He’s always been right there. So what does He want us to learn?

Jesus wants us to know without out a doubt that He is the one in control. He wants us to stand boldly in that boat as the storms are about to hit and affirm that our Jesus is bigger than anything we will face. He is the one in control, and He wants us to trust His Truth above all else—trust Him above all else.

Then when the raging storms of life hit—and even the little ones—we’re sitting calmly in the boat of our lives knowing that we have nothing to fear. And sitting right next to us is Jesus, smiling at our trust in Him.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Marriage Monday - Trust Me and Take Courage

It's Marriage Monday. This is a monthly marriage meme where our online community contributes and participates in a single marriage topic:

Our Topic for March is "Trust"

e-Mom: Please accept my invitation to join us for Marriage Monday on March 7, 2011. Our group topic is trust.

As always, you have all the freedom you need to cover the subject of trust in whatever way you want. You can post prose, a bulleted list, a video, a slideshow, a poem, or a song—whatever the Spirit leads you to share with us. You're the expert, and we're counting on you to teach us a few new things to apply to our own marriages.

Today I will share with you: Trust AND Action

I don’t subscribe to the old adage; God helps those who help themselves. I am acutely aware the Lord helps many of us when we are so low we can’t even get off the couch. But, I am also certain God wants our active participation in His plans. With that said what does it mean to “trust” God?

Suppose you were unemployed, would you pray and trust God saying, “Oh, I am trusting God to give me a job,” then never apply for work?

Would you fail to intervene in your teenager’s life if you found marijuana in their room? Would you just pray about it and say, “Oh I am just trusting God to change my daughter’s mind about drugs.”

HECK NO!

Well, I think sometimes we fail to join the Lord in His plans with regard to our unbelieving spouses. There are times when we must stand for the principals we know to be true. I am convinced there are times when the Lord wants us to be a fighter for His kingdom.

Discernment is the critical component when you are married to an unbeliever. There are indeed, times when you need to let go of your rights and/or desires and then there are times when conflict is necessary. I can tell you through the years of my marriage there were many heated moments of conversation (read: fights) over our different worldviews. Some specifics were church attendance. I would attend. Period. The end. So would my kids when they were little.

I look back over the years and KNOW, without a doubt, my consistent defense of the Word of God in the face of my husband’s skepticism played a powerful roll in his discovery process. The Lord would allow my words to land on my man’s heart from time-to-time where they would sink in. Coupled with living my faith with authenticity and enthusiasm, my husband softened to the Lord.

Trust is to be confident and secure. Trusting God is an unafraid trust. We know the Lord has our best interest at heart. But the Lord is also expecting effort. He gave us a brain and wants us to use it. He also calls us to action. He expects us to move in our world for His benefit and glory.

There are numerous stories of God calling His people to action throughout the Bible. There are just as many where God calls His people to trust Him.

So why am I sharing this today? I know many of you are walking a difficult road right now. I know the Lord is calling you to trust Him in your marriage but He may also be calling you to action in a specific area.

Ask Him.  

What you and the Lord set into action today may be life changing for those you love tomorrow.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Be blessed, Lynn

Read more posts and join the fun at Chrysalis with e-Mom. 

Some dear friends are featuring our book today on their blogs. Each one has a copy of Winning Him Without Words to give away. Just leave a comment to enter. We are so grateful for each one of them!

Southern Fried Musings (Thank you, Ane!)

Craving the Supernatural (Thank you, Ronie!)

Robin Caroll (Thank you, Robin!)

Walking In Grace (Thank you Vicky)