What Do You Say to the Kids and more....

Today we are answering your questions that were posted the week of January 18, 2012.

What do you tell the kids when they ask, "Why doesn't Dad go to church."

Why isn't there marriage in heaven?

How do you parent your kids when you and your husband see parenting so different.

The boundary between submitting and serving vs. enabling.

How do I keep hope alive when I my husband never responds.

Listen in. Then join the conversation in the comments. 

 

 

Your Kid's Faith - From the Chronicles of the Donovan Clan

It was the best of times……

        It was the worst of times…..

Last Saturday evening I sat in front of the television and watched the painful demise of my beloved Broncos as they were pounded by the Patriots in what can only be described as a massacre.

It was sad.

I sat around the family room with several of my friends and several of my daughter’s teenaged friends who showed up wearing Patriots Jerseys and waving blue and red Pat’s flags. Sheesh. No respect around here. *grin.*

In spite of my dashed hopes for a Superbowl birth, something fantastic was taking place that no one else knew about but me, my 16 year old daughter and God.

A decision point occurred.

Earlier that day, most of my daughter’s friends made plans to leave our house at half time. They were meeting up with other friends at a local theater to watch a play. My daughter was included in the plans. I didn’t think too much about this particular adventure because as you may know my daughter is very active in Theater Arts and she and I and her friends attend live plays frequently.

But, what I didn’t know is this particular play wasn’t a G rated production. In fact, the play included characters of moral question and some nudity. Yep, you heard me correctly.

Before the game started and friends began to arrive, my daughter stopped what she was doing in the kitchen. She was helping me prepare some snacks and was whipping up a light version of Con queso for later.

“Mom.”

“Hunh?”

“I don’t think I’m going to go to the play with everyone tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Mom, I just don’t feel comfortable about it. There is nudity and other things in that play that will bother me.”

“Oh Honey, I am so proud of you that you made this choice for yourself and not because it’s what I would have wanted."

I looked at this kid from across the kitchen in amazement. Would I have made the same choice under such peer-pressure at her age? I’m ashamed to say, likely no.

Will she always make choices like this? Likely no.

Later I overheard my daughter on the phone to one of the kids. She was responding to the obvious question, “Why aren’t’ you going with us to the play?”

“It just doesn’t sit right with my morals. So I’m not going.”

She was brave enough to be different and stand apart from her friends and face possible ridicule, mocking and be left out in the future. Wow, many adults don't have this kind of courage.

In this small moment, God allowed me to understand that all the years, tears and prayers I have poured into this child were now bringing forth fruit. My daughter is choosing for herself based upon her morals, values, and faith. She is grasping my faith and making it her own.

Even in the midst of an unequally yoked home.

To every mom and dad out there who worries over your kids, I share this story to encourage you. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop grasping those teachable moments when they are younger. Live out your faith in front of your kids so when they are older they will know how to live their faith as well. Teach them how to pray. Help them to make choices and coach them how to talk to their friends. You be the out. Let them blame, “My bad-ole mother. She won’t let me go with you.” Give them every opportunity to choose right over wrong.

To choose Jesus.

Mostly you, mom or dad, love Jesus with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. That is the best parenting advice anyone could ever receive.

Have a blessed day. Hug your kids today from Aunty Lynn

Matthew 12: 30-31 (NIV) (Jesus said) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. ‘The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Kids in the Mix - Marriage Monday

It’s Marriage Monday and I am able to hop in and share this week.

As most of us “Add Kids to the Mix,” Marriage Monday is expanding to cover the topic, Kids.

I recently finished writing a talk for MOPS, about raising kids: Raising Kid’s to Integrity and Faith. It was a wonderful process to work through and today I want to share one of the” tines of a fork” (I use a fork as an exemplar) which I share in that talk.

I believe that as parents if we are intentional about five different areas, we can raise our kids with enormous success in a challenging world to live in integrity and faith.

So let’s get started. This is one of my favorites:

Last weekend was Home Coming. The Home Coming Dance was Saturday night and all of my daughter’s friends, were going. My daughter, a Junior, was not. I can’t tell you how this still pains me today. She missed out on a rite of passage, she wanted to be asked by a boy but wasn’t and she sat at home. To make matters worse were the photos of her friends on Facebook the next day. Ouch!

So what can a parent do to encourage a girl’s fragile self-esteem?

BE SPONTANEOUS.

Saturday arrived and all her friends would be trying on dresses, working on makeup and truly I am thrilled for them but, I had a plan of my own.

I told my daughter to get dressed that we were heading out on a day of adventure.

Let me share with you here that I didn’t have the time to spend all day away from my work but my daughter’s emotional health was way more important.

So, we jumped in the car and we were off. We headed to the local mountain community of Julian, CA. Near this quaint town; we stopped at an apple orchard and picked a couple bags of apples. My daughter had never had this experience. We had a blast and there was a ton of things to observe and we chatted about anything and everything. Then we drove on down the road toward the town. Off to the side of the road, I spotted four horses grazing near the fence. I swerved over, parked the car and said to my surprised daughter, “Get out.”

 

We proceeded to pet the horses and feed them several of the apples we just picked. Now if you know my girl, horses are God's gifts to girls. Just to be around them my daughter is filled with wonder and joy. Then on top of it all, to feed them apples...... pure bliss.

Back in the car, we headed toward the town, drove around, then added our name to the list of a completely charming country restaurant to be seated for lunch. We walked to a candy shop, purchased a bag. Had lunch comprised of everything fattening and just enjoyed the sure adventure.

On the way home we spotted wild burrows and at least 100 wild turkeys near the river. It was a completely spontaneous adventure that she will never forget, nor will I. We arrived home late in the day tired but filled with memories we will treasure.

Now, I understand that a day with mom is not the same as a dance with a boy. But, I had hours in the car to casually affirm who she is. She is a daughter of the Most High God and that He has a plan for her life and to not rush things. To remember how she is loved by her family and her wacky mom who takes her on crazy adventures. I reminded her that I have prayed and prayed for her future boyfriend and then on day, husband and God is preparing him now for the day they will meet. And it will far surpass what she missed on Saturday night.

She hugged me as she shuffled off to bed. “It was a great day Mom. Thank you.”

Be spontaneous! Be intentional. It builds memories that will last a lifetime and carry them through dark days of doubt. And they will become men and women of integrity and faith.

How have you been spontaneous with your kids. I SO want to hear your stories. I hope I can learn a few new things from you.

Be blessed, Lynn

Don’t forget on Monday, October 3^rd to stop in for our BIG launch and challenge. I have a challenge that will take your marriage to the next level of love, respect and can change everything. See you then.

Parent's Do You Help or Hinder Your Kids?

Some of you know that my 16-year-old daughter became a licensed driver in June. In California, the teen driver’s license is a provisional license. There are several conditions a driver must meet to drive legally. 

One provision particularly is creating some challenges in the Donovan home. But it also developing a young woman of character. It is also bringing into sharp focus my willingness to step up to be a parent of exception. Stick with me because by the end of this article it is my hope you will see parenting in a new light. 

Provision: For the first 12 months of driving, a minor may not transport passengers who are under 20 years of age. 

If cited for this infraction, you lose your driving privileges until age 18. 

My daughter has had her license now for only three months and she’s been pressured by her friends at school to drive them around. Pick them up and “Not tell your mom.” 

What is even more disappointing to me is other drivers my daughter’s age are given permission by their parents to break this law and allow their teen to drive friends for only a “short drive home.” In fact, this kind of thing is more like the standard practice and kids like my daughter, are the exception. 

So, this is how it plays out in real life: 

Sunday night: 

"Mom, do you think you could pick up my friend (her best friend) in the morning. She needs a ride to school. Last time she walked, it took her an hour. "

I will state here that my daughter’s friend doesn’t ask for rides often and I understand their situation as her mom is a single working parent. That kind of life is very difficult and I try to help out because I know the struggles they face. I also know that her walking route is scary and I wouldn’t want my daughter to be walking there alone. 

However, the reality of this situation is that I will need to get dressed, drive to the other side of town, pick up her friend, driver her to school all the while my daughter will be driving separately to school, as she needs her car for after school activities. 

So I agreed to pick up her friend. I will be honest, I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about this but agreed to help out. 

Now it wasn’t until this morning that it hit me and I said to Caitie, “You asked me to pick up your friend because you didn’t want to sneak around and pick her up yourself, didn’t you?” 

She nodded shyly. 

You see, my daughter was in a quandary. She loves and cares for her friend and was desperate that she should not walk alone to school. Yet she honestly didn’t want to pick her up and go against our wishes. She came to me, asking me to save her. To help her do the right thing. 

The message here is this: I was willing to be inconvenienced and do something that was entirely NOT my responsibility to help my daughter make the right choice. 

I wonder how many times we as parents, set down the rules, place expectations upon our kids and then never help them to meet them. Parenting is inconvenient. It is unfair and time consuming. But, if you want to raise children who have integrity and respect for the laws and rules that govern their lives, we must FIRST be willing to back them up FULLY. 

I tell my daughter to use me as her excuse.

• “Tell your friends your mean mom said you can’t go.”
• “I don’t care if it’s late at night, if you are even a bit uncomfortable at a friend’s house, call me and I will pick you up. No questions, no anger and no hesitation. I will get up and come for you.”
• I offer to drive other kids. I want to know my daughter’s friends. Where they are going. Where they will be.
• I have an open invitation to her friends to hang at our house. This summer it was my idea to have Hot tub Fridays here at the Donovan house. I supervised. The kids hung out here on Friday nights instead of stumbling into trouble. 

We must make the effort to help our kids meet the expectations we set and help them fully to navigate the challenges in their path and to do the right thing. Often it’s at our expense. 

Are you willing to be inconvenienced? Take action to help when it the situation is clearly not your responsibility? Are you willing to read between the lines and hear your child asking you to help them do the right thing? 

Pray for each of your children by name, every day. If you aren’t praying for them, who is? Be blessed, Lynn

Raising Kids and Back to School

School started today (Wedsnesday) at the Donovan Clan home. As I write this, I just watched my daughter get into the car and drive off for her first day as a junior. 

I waved.

She waved in return. 

Then she was off.

I stood in the driveway. I didn’t cry or worry about her day. I didn’t feel sad (well perhaps a tiny bit melancholy). 

I prayed. 

O Lord, 

Take care of her today. Protect her as she drives. Help her to get into her parking spot with easy. Lord, help her to locate her classrooms and be on time. I ask that she finds a friend in each class and I also ask that you have prepared new friends for her to meet. Father, please choose her friends wisely that they would be kids with Godly character and a good influence on my daughter. 

Lord, as always send angels to walk with her today. Protect her from evil spirits and evil people. Make her smile. Let her see You in some way today. Reveal your love to her in a profound and impactful way. Also Lord, more than anything remind her that she is a daughter of the Most High God. That her identity and security is solely in You. That you have her back. Show her the lies the enemy speaks and let her reject them soundly. 

God give her confidence, wisdom, and joy. Let her laugh out loud with joy and share a smile with someone who needs hope. 

Finally Lord, let this year be the best year yet. Open her heart more and more to You. Speak your wisdom into her and help her to make choices that are wise and that bring honor to the name of Your Son. Love on her with a passion that leaves her changed and growing ever closer to You. 

In the name of Jesus, I ask. Amen.

 

To all of the parents who stop in here, I have a few words about raising kids. 

Pray, pray, and pray some more. Then watch what God will do in the heart of your children. 

Happy back to school. Hugs, Lynn

Donovan Clan Is Dating

Some interesting things are happening in the Donovan Clan house. And today I want to share with you some of my thoughts about all of it. I also will acknowledge that some of you will disagree with me and some of you I might offend. However, I also know there a many of us moms and dads who are raising children in a mismatched home who are dealing with my situation or will be there soon. So let’s have a go at it shall we? 

Dating…. 

My daughter turned sixteen in June. Yesterday she went to the movies with a boy (a guy, in her vernacular and a smart one too, she says *grin*) 

How do we guide our children through this critical period of growing up? This is an especially sensitive topic when you are living in a spiritually mismatched home. And to compound our confusion and angst, we receive little or conflicting teaching from our Christian leaders. 

I hold some great convictions about dating as you might imagine because more than anything, I desire my son and daughter to marry a Christian. 

But, what I’m going to share with you might be surprising. 

First, I find that most of us parents establish a mandate that dating can commence once a child turns 16 years of age. I disagree. 

Let me ask you this. Let’s assume that today your child is 15 and socially immature, painfully shy, or reserved. Tomorrow they are 16 and emotionally unprepared to date. What makes 16 a magic number? I would suggest that as parents, we should be so in tune with our teenager that we know when they are responsibly and maturely ready to date. If you aren’t, there is a degree of communication that is missing. 

Sixteen is a good target age but what really matters is that you “know” your child so well that if they are ready to go to the movie with a boy at 15 ½ you are okay with it or that you are not okay with it and your child understands your reasoning. Leading up to this decision time insure that there have been numerous discussions between you and your teen and a meeting of the minds. I found this to be true with my daughter and she was in agreement that she wasn’t ready. Also, if they aren’t ready at 16, don’t let them walk out the door into a situation for which they are emotionally unprepared. 

Secondly, I am not against her dating a non-believer right now. 

Shock and gasp! 

I know, I know…. But this is why. These are my daughter’s teen years. This is when she will step slowly and gently into developing her ideals for her perfect man. It’s in these years where she is not looking to marry that she will discover what kind of guy she likes. Uncover the character traits she values. She will discover that she is able to put down boundary lines in a relationship and at some point will understand the consequences when a boundary is crossed. 

She will learn about the vast differences between men and women and start to understand how it takes effort. She will also discover that belief systems affect so many, many choices. Such as movie and television selections as well as friends and the kind of parties she likes and those that make her uncomfortable. 

All of this discovery is supposed to happen when they still have us, parents, around to gently guide them. And may I stress the word, GENTLY. 

Before my daughter even started dating, I made it clear that any guy she really likes will be expected to come around the house and just hang out. Not so we can make snap-judgments or scare the poor kid but to just be together and get to know him and he us. You can learn so much from just being together. And even more critical, we usually can see if something isn’t quite right about the relationship. This is a starting place. Make your home a safe place so your kid’s are comfortable to bring around their friends. 

It's also in this period of teenaged years that we play a cirital roll to help our kids with choices, give gentle advice and even sometimes be sturn for their protection.

We have the privilege to guide our kids in this formative time so that when they leave and are seeking to marry, they have firm convictions of the character, goals, values and beliefs they want in their spouse. 

I know my viewpoint is contrary to Covenant Dating which was popular in the 90’s. But, over time and some experiences of friends, I’m not sold on that perspective. 

Third, I am convinced the years of praying for my children’s future spouse and the in-laws will be honored by my Lord. So, if you are not praying, by name, for each of your children every morning, begin today. 

So last night when my daughter came home I looked at her with a grin and said, “So, how was it?” 

“Fine.” (Typical teen response. I wanted to hear all the tiny details, so I pried further.) 

“Did you hold hands?” Her mouth tipped up on the ends into a shy smile. 

A nod. 

“Did you kiss?” 

Nod. She’s trying not to be embarrassed. I’m trying not to giggle. 

I smiled at her. She blushed. We hugged. You know what? At least she is sharing with me her experience. She trusts me. All is right with the world. 

I am far from the perfect parent and perfect wife. Let me say that again…. Far from perfect. But, I have a heart full of love, God’s Word and prayer power. That is all I need to guide this young woman through dating and to one day a marriage to a believer. (O, Lord, let it be so. In Jesus name. Amen) 

Be Blessed, Lynn

Bittersweet

Dear Dineen and Lynn: 

I just have to share with the two of you my “bittersweet moment” this morning.  To back track, I just got home yesterday from having been with my youngest daughter the past three weeks as she gave birth to her first child—a precious 9 lbs. 1 oz. baby girl, name Hadley.  Needless to say, it was hard leaving that little bundle of joy 5 hours away from me in Austin, Tex. 

And now for my bitter sweet moment via Facebook post my daughter, Heather, posted early this morning.  She had a picture of a devotional book:  Baby Boot Camp by Rebecca Ingram Powell.  Beside the picture, Heather wrote: 

“Moms—it is my first morning without my mom to help me and this little devotional book is a life saver!  Find one and take a little time for yourself to read a little devotion each day.  I love it already with a cup of hot coffee.” 

I shed a few tears and then replied:

“I’m having a bitter sweet moment five hours away as I read this.  My daughter doesn’t need me to help anymore????  But, how sweet knowing that she is reading and dependent on God’s Word.  All is right with the world.” 

I wanted to share this with you because you are doing such a wonderful job in reaching out to young moms who are faced, as I was, and you have been, in raising children in church alone.  I had so many flashbacks as I read Heather’s post.  

One in particular was a decision I made when she was two years old and her sister was six.  We had just made a move from Atlanta, Ga. to New Orleans, La.   My husband had been offered a job opportunity that he felt he couldn’t afford to turn down.  During the process of our lengthy talks about taking the job, I just simply said to him:  “I’ll go with you anywhere you feel we need to go; it is just so hard for me to move with two little girls to a strange city and have to take them to church by myself.”  

To which he replied, “I promise you if you will make this move with me, I will go to church with you and the girls.”  And with that hope, we made the move. 

Oh yes, he went the first Sunday to help me find the church, and that was the end of that.  

As a young mother I felt so betrayed.  

One Sunday morning as I was about to give this church-going up for good, I heard little children playing out in the street in my neighborhood.  It was then that I prayed:  “Lord, whether he ever goes to church with me, I commit to you this morning that I will go alone if I have to;  I can’t bear the thought of my children playing on the streets on Sunday morning and not in church.  

And with that, the three of us began our journey, and today both girls are ministering in their own church, and raising their little ones for Jesus.  And I might add, they married fine Christian young men who are right beside them and who is the spiritual leader of their homes. 

I realize it doesn’t always happen this way.  When children become of age, they have to make their own choices and sometimes stray from their Christian up-bringing for a while.  But, my reason for writing to the two of you is this:  keep on encouraging young moms, as you are doing, to make the effort to teach the kids about Jesus and take them to church, even if it she has to do it alone.  It has it rewards---I am blessed. 

On a side note, both girls love their dad so much, and he gloats over his children and grandchildren.  He has been the best husband and father any man could be with the exception of that “little missing link of having Jesus in his heart.”  But, the three of us feel the manifestation of his salvation is near.  As you say in your book:  “God makes everything beautiful in His time.”  

And last, your book has been good therapy for me.  It was with me in Austin each morning during my quiet time.  The keys have allowed me to see where I’ve been in the past; sometimes “I got it right,” but there are keys that are showing me what I need to be doing at the present time for this particular season of my life and marriage.  It couldn’t have been released at a more appropriate time for me.  

Keep up the good work as you minister to the spiritually unequal yoked and blessings to you both. 

Martha Bush

The Intentional Marriage

Good Day Everyone:

It's the second Friday of May and welcome to our newest show, The Intentional Marriage. Today Dineen and I are together and we are fielding questions.

*Holding out hope for our Spouse's Salvation
*Kid's and respect for their unbelieving Dad
*Handling media choices in a spiritually mismatched home 

Please spend a few minutes with us and then add your thoughts in the comments. We are especially wanting your suggestions on how you navigated these GIANT issues with the grace of Christ and with love for your spouse.

Thank you now join the show. Hugs, Lynn

 

The Intentional Marriage May 2011 from Lynn Donovan on Vimeo.

Parenting Struggling Teens

I wrote a post over at Laced with Grace that I'd love to share with you. It's harder than ever to raise teens today. Throw in some complications or ongoing issues (like my family is going through with our daughter) and you begin to  wonder if it will ever change. I share four areas that have helped me keep my focus on God and not the issue how that translates into helping my daughter as well. I pray it blesses you! 
Hugs!
Dineen

 

We'd like to give a special shout out and express our thanks to Tricia Goyer for sharing our book on her site! Thank you, Tricia!

Tricia Goyer's site (she's also giving a book away)

Glee and Other Thoughts - The Chronicles of the Donovan Clan

I hope you read the comments from my Monday post, Television and Our Kids. There are some very wise parents who offered their thoughts and reflect on some of their past interactions with regard to their children and the media.

I am deeply troubled over the direction television programing is headed. It is reflective of the fact that the return of Christ is imminent and near. But as we wait, we must continue to live in this world, to be the salt and light, especially to our kids and to our spouse.

AND THAT is the tricky part.

How?

So, I'm going out on a limb again today and share a peek into our life here with the Donovan Clan.

I know I can get riled up about Skins and two dozen or more other television programs I think should be cancelled yesterday. But, I will share with you that my daughter and I began watching the series, Glee on Fox when it premiered three years ago.

This is a show about a high school glee club. I recognize this show is highly controversial and is absolutely offensive. The episodes are scripted and deal with matters such as homosexuality, teen pregnancy, bullying, underage drinking and a few others I can't remember right now.

I asked my daughter, "Caitie, Glee includes content of teens drinking, having sex and homosexuality. How is this different than Skins."

"Mom, I haven't seen Skins but I can tell you that the way it's presented is very different. For example the most recent episode of Glee was about teen drinking. Mom, at the end of the program the teens learn something. They learned drinking wasn’t worth it and they signed a pledge to not drink. They always learn something."

So, here I am a parent, what do I do with this?

I will tell you that I have watched the episodes with my daughter and we have literally put the show on pause in the middle of the broadcast to have discussions about gay students in her school, we have talked about sex, the temptations, the curiosity of teens and every manner of morals and Biblical teaching with regard to abstinence. Glee actually opened up a wide door of communication about very real issues that are present in my daughter's life.

I will tell you that last year, as a freshman in high school, she saw a lot. A friend came to school high, one drunk, a girl hit on her in math class, bazaar clothing and every kind of tattoo and piercing, smoking, drinking...... And that was just the first month of school.

I want to shield my daughter from these things but I also realize that she will encounter them, almost daily, in her high school. Watching this program together with her has given me the chance to bring up the subject matters, provide her with solid thoughts on how she can make a decision today to do the right thing when she finds herself faced with temptation or what seems to be actually happening is that her friends are struggling and have little guidance from home. My daughter is often the voice of descent.

So, I'm trying to find the balance. I want her to feel safe to talk to me about these issues and to allow her some personal freedom of choice. I don't want to be so ridged that she feels she must rebel. Yet I want her to know the truth about what God says on these very real and controversial issues she and her friends face. I want her to choose to do the right thing not for my sake but for hers and mostly I want her to choose to do what God wants. It’s that kind of thinking that will stay with her for a lifetime long after my parenting influence is over.

My ultimate goal is that she chooses to honor God’s desires for her life.

I have more to say on this and more about how we balance television viewing with an unbelieving spouse.

I’m curious about how you find the balance and how you help your kids navigate the moral challenges they face in this lost and broken world. What has worked for you? Be blessed, Lynn

Next post: Do we have any influence over our spouse’s media choices??