I'm Lonely In My Marriage

On Saturdays we will post relevant articles from our archives that will address common spiritually mismatched issues in marriage. This is a re-post from July 19, 2010 at the Internet Cafe. This post over at the Cafe remains one of the most viewed posts of all time. So many people are lonely. Praying for your heart today. Hugs, Lynn

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I'm Lonely In My Marriage - Internet Cafe by Lynn Donovan

My mother is visiting this week from Colorado. She turned 70 years old earlier this year. She is as sharp as a tack and on Tuesday we went to Disneyland along with my teen daughter and her friend. My Mom jumped on the California Screamin' roller coaster without hesitation and we all shrieked in unison as our train launched from zero to 59 miles per hour in four seconds and sent careening down the track with our hearts racing.

My mother surprises me often. She hasn't let decrepitude (as I call it *grin*) slow her down much. In fact, she completely shocked my sister and I a few weeks back when she announced she "Googled it" when she was searching for information about a medical term.

Mom has discovered the verb, google. Her broad smile of accomplishment was too cute and I hugged her with delight to know she is still living and growing and praying for God's Kingdom. Now I can't get overly excited because she still thinks Twitter is what birds do as they look for seeds in the back yard and Facebook is a photo album I am always working on and My Space is of course, a term you use when you need a break, "Give me my space."

*Grin*

As my mom told me her story about her first Google search it caused me to think about how many times I use a search engine and about the people who search and discover our web ministry, Spiritually Unequal Marriage.

The most common word search, which brings readers to our site, is unequally yoked. However, what astonishes me more is the second word search, which lands people on our site:

Loneliness in marriage.

There is an epidemic of loneliness in our world. And more staggering is the number of people who are married and feel alone. Does it strike you as a strange paradox, to be married and be lonely? How can that happen? How can we live under one roof, share the same bed, live together, and feel utterly alone?

For the spiritually mismatched marriage, this is our one common denominator. We have felt alone or feel alone and are married.

It does not matter how our marriage became mismatched, we all travel this strange path. We begin to grow in our faith and our spouse reacts. Let me give you a scenario:

~ She begins to learn more about Jesus and she stops using swear words.

He thinks she has gone temporarily insane.

*They argue over this development.

~ She starts to attend church on Sunday morning.

He is mad she doesn't sleep in with him anymore.

*They argue, pressing home their disappointment with one another.

~ She is upset he won't go to church with her.

He feels like he didn't sign up for this "religion" thing when he married.

*They argue. Frustration mounts.

~ She is growing in her faith and her life is changing. She wants to share it with her best friend, her husband.

He feels threatened by this invisible "new man" in her life and is almost panicked at the implications.

*They both hide their feelings in an attempt to avoid the fighting. Walls go up. Tears are shed in silence and loneliness sets in.

This is a dangerous time in a marriage but this is also a time where God calls us as the believer in the marriage to live out: commitment. Since the 1980's our societal values towards marriage commitment have vastly changed. Cohabitation along with sexual freedom and multiple lifestyle options eroded away determination to make marriage work more than previous generations.  Marriages, which are supposed to be the source of stability and intimacy, often produce uncertainty and isolation.*

What I want to share with you today are three truths from God's word to apply to this very real issue of living lonely and living married.

1.  As a wife living with an unbeliever, the first truth you need to bury deep in your soul is this:

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13: 4-6 (NIV)

In the lonely years of my marriage, I clung to this promise when I felt abandoned by my spouse. I KNEW without doubt, Jesus would never leave me and He stood at my side through those years of conflict and loneliness. He will do the same for you.

That was my foundation.

2.  Next I had to learn that my calling was to love my husband and not force Jesus upon him. In the early years of our marriage, I was the one in our marriage who placed tremendous pressure on my husband to attend church. I was always the instigator when we would argue over my faith views and I would condemn my spouse's behavior I once thought was okay.

Let's give our men a break. We can't be the Holy Spirit. Let Jesus take his time with our husbands. When we love our husbands like Jesus, it's irresistible. A man can ignore a nagging wife but he can't deny the truth of a transformed life.

When I let go of my need to win arguments about faith. When I surrendered my personal mission to deliver my husband to the foot of the cross. When I recognized and repented of my selfish desires for his salvation and began to pray in earnest for him to meet Christ, that is when the loneliness subsided and we both discovered peace.

Oh my friends, let Jesus be Jesus and you be a wife. This is the truth behind 1Peter 3: 1-6 (NIV)

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

3.  And when we live this passage out in real life, look at our reward. Verse 7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

This month, get off the roller coaster of emotions, of fear, of loneliness and heartache. Love your husband with the love of Christ and let Jesus handle his salvation. Pray every day for wisdom, discernment, protection and a passion to love the man God has given you. Ask the Lord to help you see your husband through His eyes. Then wave goodbye to loneliness and say hello to a thriving and vibrant friendship with your husband.

I have so much more to share with you. Join me again next month. Please drop me a comment today and let's spur one another on to live, love, and thrive in our marriages. Jesus Christ is honored when we thrive in married love.

BIG hugs, Lynn Donovan

Angry and Married

Today, I'm wondering how you have dealt with your mismatched marriage. Out of my mismatch came so much anger. Join me and some discussion over at the Cafe.

Oh, and this is my last post at the Cafe. I started writing there over six years ago. I kinda grew up as a writer there. But, God has given all of these opportunities to me for a season, such a time as this. I'm deeply thankful to the Lord for allowing me to share the hope I have in Jesus through the Cafe.

Join me today for Angry and Married.

Hugs, Lynn

 

Encounter God in the Wal-Mart Checkout line? Say What?

You know what scares me?

The Wal-Mart checkout line....

I'm sharing a story today that is simple yet filled up with Jesus and it happened in all places, Wal-Mart. Join me today and share with me your encounters with the body of Christ. Lynn

Visit the Cafe: Encounter in the Wal-Mart Checkout line? Say What?

 

I Hate Hallmark

Sometimes I hate Hallmark.

Well, not really. Sorta….

I don’t hate the store but I sincerely “dislike” what I call “Hallmark Holidays.” You know these days, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, Ground Hog Day (well maybe not this one) and the sometimes dreaded…..

Join me at One Plus, The Internet Cafe today for the rest of the story:

I Hate Hallmark on Valentine's Day. Hugs, Lynn

Will Power - Unequally Yoked and A New Year

Will Power.

Do you have it?

Why we, the unequally yoked, need this old, old story as we begin a new year. Visit the Cafe.

Have a blessed week, Lynn

A Charlie Brown Christmas For Me

I grew up waiting each Christmas season for two special TV shows to appear on our old television set. Yes, I grew up in the “Dark Ages”, according to my teenager. There weren’t video recordings nor hundreds of channels with millions of re-runs. You had one chance, once a year. That was it. I anxiously awaited, A Charlie Brown Christmas which was followed by The Grinch That Stole Christmas.

I would sit in the basement, next to the aluminum Christmas tree with the weird color wheel turning. Mom, would bring down the freshly popped corn which was coated with the most divine candy coating and we would make popcorn balls. With popcorn ball in hand, I sat criss-cross apple sauce on the floor and watch as Charlie Brown and the gang lit up our small television.

This is my personal testimony of the meaning of Christmas in my life. Join me at the Cafe Today.

Have a blessed week, Lynn

To Pray of Not To Pray. That is The Question for The Unequally Yoked

Football rages in the family room, the aroma of a roasting Bidzilla satisfies the kitchen, kids play outside, red cheeked and with hands frozen. Ahhhh, Thanksgiving.

This is my favorite traditional holiday of food, family and ……stress.

 

Read more at the Internet Cafe Devotions, Marriage Counter.

 

Living With The Enemy

I'm also writing at the Cafe - Marriage Counter today.

Living With The Enemy.

Lynn

Alcohol, Pornography, Rage

The big three.

Alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, and rage. These three are the destructive sins in marriage that I see women deal with the most.

I share some experience and some insights. I pray this article will encourage one woman out there who is dealing with one or more of the "Big Three."

Lynn

I'm Not Strong Enough

.....To be the spiritual leader of our home.
.....To be a consistent Godly example to my spouse – to my children.

.....To bare the physical demands of a career – raising the children – cleaning my home – cooking and the sum total of all the expectations placed on me.

I ‘m at the end of my rope…….. and I feel like a failure.

If you ever feel like me, I'm not strong enough, this story is just for you. Join me at the Internet Cafe Devotions - Marriage Counter for I'm Not Strong Enough.

Disillusioned in My Marriage - Unequally Yoked

A few weeks ago I watched my friend Kelly walking through the foyer of our church. In tow, her three children. They passed by me smiling and saying, “Hello” to passersby who were heading out to eat or going home after church. But, as I looked into her face, I saw something no one else could see.

I bet you may have experienced what Kelly is living. Join me today at the Internet Cafe, The Marriage Counter for Married and Disillusioned.

Unequally Yoked and Ashamed at Church

There is a lot of shame that accompanies the unsavory title of unequally yoked.

In fact, now that our book has released I am discovering there are many more women and men living in a marriage where they and their spouse are on significantly different planes in their faith walk, than I suspected.

Read the rest of this article today at the Internet Cafe Devotions: Unequally Yoked and Ashamed at Church.

Missionary Dating?

So...... I must live under a rock at times.

I was listening to the radio a few days ago and the radio host threw out the term, missionary dating.

Read more at the Inernet Cafe, Marriage Counter, today.

 

Submit To Your Husband. You Win in the End

Submit to your husband.

Why is it, this very short sentence makes my emotions bristle?

For far too many years the teachings from Ephesians 5:22 have been misunderstood and misrepresented. So let’s have some real and honest talk about God’s intention of this passage and let’s take it a step further. Can you submit to your unbelieving husband?

This is a compelling post from my experience in submission in my marriage. You will look at this passage in an entirely different light and see the beauty God intends for all marriages.

Join me today for : Submit To Your Husband - You Win in the End, at the Internet Cafe, Marriage Counter. Have a blessed day and I pray you discover what I did about God's Word and marriage.

Hugs, Lynn

Also, I want to give a shout out to my friends who are offering a copy of our book in a giveaway today at their blog:

Holly at Broken For God

Shari England

Rachel at Racheltemple.com

Trica at Trica Goyer

Patty at Patty Lacy

Pay them a visit and say, "Hello."

Book Giveaways and BFF's

Today I'm going to tell you about two friends I met way back when I was a tiny baby blogger.

I began blogging, let's see, it will be five years ago in May. I stumbled my away around in this crazy and fantastic cyber community and was blessed to find two amazing friends, Iris Nelson and Darlene Schacht.

Darlene was the editor of Christian Women Online, an online magazine and devotional site. Almost everyone who was a Christian woman and a blogger found each other through CWO and we all read and loved Darlene's writing. Through Darlene's ministry I join the devotional writing team, now named Internetcafedevotions.com (read my articles here) and that's where I met Iris Nelson. I wrote for the cafe for a year, took a break and then returned there last summer.

Darlene was instrumental in launching Spiritually Unequal Marriage and so was Iris. I joined Iris's devotional team, Laced With Grace, and remain one of the original contributors. God has given me some of my best stories to share there. I also write articles for the Cafe specific to living unequally yoked.

It's been an amazing journey and I love and adore these two women.

What is so cool about God's community is this, Darlene and Iris are enthusiastically willing to help us reach out to others who haven't found us yet. Today at Darlene's place, The Time-Warp Wife and all month at Laced With Grace, they are offering free copies of our book. Please enter. Even if you have a copy, enter and then give it away to a woman who needs encouragement.

Please take a stroll over and visit Darlene and Iris. You will be richly blessed through their writing. Be blessed, Lynn

 

 

At The Internet Cafe Devotions Today

Today at the Internet Cafe Devotions, The Marriage Channel they are giving away a copy of Winning Him Without Words.

Stop over today for some snippets from the book and enter for the giveaway. Hugs, Lynn

 

Raising Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home

Hey, I almost forgot to tell you that I have shared a facinating interview I did with my daughter a few years ago and it's over at the Cafe. 

Take a minute and read this if you are trying to raise children in a mismatched home: A Child's Faith When Raised in a Spiritually Mismatched Home.

 

Prayers for Our Unsaved Spouse

Prayers for Our Unsaved Spouse

Visit the Internet Cafe Devotions, Marriage Counter. Hugs, Lynn

 

Thanksgiving... and Spiritually Mismatched

Thanksgiving is fast approaching in America. I love the holidays and Thanksgiving dinner is a family tradition that brings me great joy. 

I will tell you that in the early years of our marriage, I would set myself up for such high expectations that my husband would assume the spiritual leadership of our home and over our table and offer grace before we ate.

He never did. I remember I would find myself feeling a little depressed at the end of day. I bet some of you have also been in this place.

What can we do now to be better prepared for Thanksgiving this month. I am sharing a story over at the Internet Cafe today that might bring you hope. Join me there today for Spiritually Mismatched at Thanksgiving.

***THIS FRIDAY**** Join me for our online TV show, The Intentional Marriage. I will share with you one of my most precious holiday traditions. It has even inspired my unbelieving spouse to give “thanks” at Thanksgiving time.

Show times 11:30 Eastern, 10:30 Central, 9:30 Mountain, 8:30 Pacific a.m. I will post the direct link here on Friday. Also join our meme and let's share some of our holiday funny stories. Something silly that happened, a mistake or misstep that cause you to laugh. any fun story about the holidays.

Have a blessed week. I will see you over at the Cafe. Hugs, Lynn

 

Internet Cafe - Fall Giveaway

My Husband Doesn't Listen To MeInternet Cafe and Marriage Monday

If you have been a reader here for very long, you might have discovered I believe one of God greatest gifts to humanity is..... drum roll.........a steaming cup of coffee.

I am pouring today at the Internet Cafe. I am behind the counter, The Marriage Counter, dispensing a hot brew and sharing a story. Please pull up to the counter and let's chat. After all women have a great need for conversation. I heard they speak on the average of 16,000 words a day?

But, what happens when that need is not met in their marriage? It happened to me. Join me for the whole story and I pray you will discover a secret to contentment in conversation.

My Husband Doesn't Listen To Me.

Also, it's Marriage Monday. And we have an opportunity to share a story from our Marriage. So this story at the Cafe is perfect. I love it when God works these things out.

So, join me at the Cafe and connect at Chrysalis for Marriage Monday. BIG hugs, Lynn

 

I'm Going to Break Your Heart!

I’m Going to Break Your Heart! 

I have a really scary challenge for you. 

You should carefully consider what I’m about to ask of you. Don’t enter into this venture unless you are truly ready for your heart to change. Before I ask you to join me in this challenge I want to share a story.....

Do you ever wonder how God feels sometimes? Well, a few months ago the Lord allowed me to gain some understanding.... My experience was so intense, I told the Lord I couldn't take it any longer.

Today, visit me at the Cafe where I share this experience and challenge you to experience God yourself.

I am a contributor to the Internet Cafe, The Marriage Counter. Join me for:

I'm Going to Break Your Heart (This is a good thing, I promise) Hugs, Lynn