What Do You Say to the Kids and more....

Today we are answering your questions that were posted the week of January 18, 2012.

What do you tell the kids when they ask, "Why doesn't Dad go to church."

Why isn't there marriage in heaven?

How do you parent your kids when you and your husband see parenting so different.

The boundary between submitting and serving vs. enabling.

How do I keep hope alive when I my husband never responds.

Listen in. Then join the conversation in the comments. 

 

 

The Bigger Picture

One of the greatest challenge is a spiritually mismatched marriage is seeing hope when we see none. I think this is true of any difficult and ongoing situation for us as believers AND as human beings. How do we keep going when everything within us says walking away would be the easier choice?

Truth is, it may be the easier choice, but is it the right one? Probably not. Those trials and challenges in our life are there for a reason. God has a plan for all of it—for us and everyone involved. And I’ve never known God to be interested in the easy solution. On the contrary, He’s more interested in helping us become more like Christ and building our character than making our lives easy.

And marriage is one of those training grounds. It’s not about us. It’s not even completely about our spouse. This is about eternity—ours, our spouse’s and our children’s. Even on our roughest days, it’s vital that we step back and view our challenges in the light of two truths:

1. This is just one small view of a giant picture God is building every second of our lives. Our feelings change moment to moment, day to day, even year to year, as do our circumstances. The picture you’re looking at may be completely different next year, next week, or even in the next hour. Sometimes our biggest issue in these times is fear. We’re so afraid of what might be that we forget who’s in control. There’s a reason Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow. When you worry about what could happen (or not happen), you’ve not only stopped trusting God, you’ve completely tinged your viewpoint, your mood and your hope for what could be a turn around you never imagined possible.

2. The bigger picture—what are we working toward? I know some days just seem more about survival and there are times when God asks for no more than that. But He loves us too much to allow us to stay there. We can choose to walk the trials of life and marriage with the goal to learn and become more closely a reflection of who God created us to be—a design that will come to completion when we are reunited with Him in heaven. Or we can choose to stay in a place of stubbornness because we’re more interested in getting what we want now. That impatience is so destructive to our lives from the smallest of places to the largest. You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to do whatever God asks because you love him more than you love yourself.

If you look at every challenge as an opportunity to serve God and make Him proud, then you have eternity in your sights and you’ve centered your hope squarely on God. That’s when we discover victory in our hearts and lives even when nothing around us seems to have changed. We have changed though. Dramatically. This is also where we find that peace that surpasses understanding that Paul talks about and we are operating in God’s strength, not our own. And it’s the hope God has for us every millisecond of our lives.

Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed. — Isaiah 49:23 (NIV)

Praying and believing,
Dineen

More Than Able

Each year in January, the Internet is glutted with articles and posts about resolutions and goals. I find it humorous that this year I’ve seen more about why resolutions don’t work and end in failure for most people.

I gave up on resolutions a long time ago. I know my limitations and I also know that I can’t change on my own. There is this little human being inside of me that just insists on being in control and doing it all on her own. We seem to be our own worst enemy at times, don’t we?

Thankfully, God is slowly turning her around—me around to understand that I can’t do anything on my own but can do everything through Him.

Now that truth can rattle around in our brains a lot. We can even say Philippians 4:13 from memory. But speaking from experience, understanding how to live on a daily basis in the parameters of God’s strength and not our own is a challenge!

And just when we figure it out in one area of our lives, we have to learn how to do it in other areas. Can anyone out there relate?

Living in a spiritually mismatched marriage is one of those areas that we just can’t do it on our own. We might go along pretty well for a while but inevitably our strength will run out. We need God to provide what we need to be in this place He’s called us to be on a daily basis.

So much of this journey is about letting go and allowing God to be in control. To trust Him with every aspect of our lives with the understanding that He’s always working for our good and for the good of our family.

Not easy, I know. We ALL walk this path and in many different areas of our lives. It’s part of the refining and perfecting of our faith. Part of learning to live with the will of our God who is more than able.

More than able. More. Able.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. — Ephesians 3:20-21

I think I’ll rest in that truth for a little while.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Turkey Soup

When we lived in Memphis, I used to always make turkey soup from the Thanksgiving leftovers. I’d let it sit on the stove all day and cook down to yummy goodness. One of my favorite ingredients was to throw some of the left over stuffing into the soup for seasoning. Yum!

A lot of years have gone by and I haven’t made much turkey soup in recent years. Seems like my family’s tastes changed and simple soup just didn’t interest anyone anymore. My soup pot stayed in the cupboard and I let the tradition go.

I was thinking about this last night as I chopped up some carrots, which made me think of my soup. Sometimes we keep doing things without thinking about them until it takes a change from the outside to bring us to a stop. An illness, a depression, a change of heart . . .

Those can be painful times but I’m finding God is very much at work in those details. We can be such creatures of habit (I know I am!) that we keep doing certain things just because we always have.

I kept thinking long those lines as I chopped a few stalks of celery. You know, God let’s those shake-ups come into our lives to grab our attention and maybe even try a new way.

Or learn a lesson. Or start a new tradition. Or bring a solution in a way we never expected, even through someone unexpected.

Sometimes we miss some great opportunities or a better solution when we limit ourselves to only what we know. God wants to show us so much more. His infiniteness isn’t limited by our finite point of view.

He wants to grow and shift us from our limited human perspective to one that encompasses Him and His presence in every aspect of our lives.

Well, my soup pot came out this year. Yep, you guessed it. Those carrots and celery were for soup. I used the usual ingredients but added a new one when the idea struck me as I passed the leeks. A new flavor, a new possibility.

You just never know when those moments and traditions from our past are rebirthed into something new and special. That’s the way God works, isn’t it? Even to my old turkey soup tradition that’s now been remade into something new, with leeks!

By the way, my turkey soup came out even better than ever. Yum.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

A Change in Perspective

I sat in my favorite chair, devotional in hand and Bible open. Tears began streaming down my face. I sat before God, grieving over a hope that felt thin at best.

The evening before, my husband and I were on our way out to grab a bite to eat. I thanked him again for the wonderful set of darts he’d given me for my birthday. (We love playing darts and I love that it’s something we share and do together). Part of the gift was a set of flights (the things that attach to the back end of the dart and make then fly straight) which had a cross on them. I was touched that he thought to buy those for me.

He said that was actually a big step for him. I asked him why since he’s bought be cross pendants in the past. He explained that jewelry was different. He didn’t really see it as having a specific meaning. But buying the flights with the crosses mean that he accepted my faith as something that wasn’t going to change.

Our conversation continued over dinner. He further expanded that just as I probably hoped he would change his mind and believe in God, he hoped I would decide to believe like he does, that God doesn’t exist.

In my heart, I cringed a bit because I shared recently here that I thought he’d moved toward being more of an agnostic than an atheist. We continued to talk. That was the good part—we really talked. It was honest, open, and authentic. Nothing defensive or upsetting, even though it seemed like a step back.

Interestingly enough, at one point I got to share a perspective that surprised him. He said I probably thought that his life would be better if he believed. I said not necessarily better but richer. This gave me the opportunity to explain to him that my desire for him to come to faith had nothing to do with wanting to change him in any way. My only desire was that his eternity would be secure. I love him just as he is and I want to see him in heaven.

I explained the “richer” part with comparing the discovery of the world being round, not flat. New discoveries were to be made and perspectives enhanced and even changed. Like a whole new world (pun intended) being opened up before our eyes.

So, the reality of his unwavering choice to not believe God existed grieved me deeply that morning. I sat before God and asked what had happened? Had ground been lost? Had I misunderstood? Then I told God refused to stop believing his promises for my sweet guy. I know without a doubt God’s hand is on his life and I will wait however long it takes.

Then God’s loving and quiet voice came into my heart and changed my perspective. He showed me that this was not a step back but a step forward. That my husband’s acceptance of my faith was a crucial step in his consideration of faith for himself.

God helped me see what I could not on my own. My hope is restored. And renewed by a God who continually blows me away with His perfection and love.

No more tears. Just basking in the love of my Father. I will wait on Him and know joy.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

And the Walls Came A-Tumbling Down

Lynn’s post yesterday talked about the walls we erect that keep our guys on the outside. I want to share with you how this translated into my life.

I walked into my marriage with the expectations I’d leaned from the pages of romance novels and movies. I’d bought into the fairytale. Everything was fine in the beginning but then the reality began to settle in.

My husband wasn’t perfect. He didn’t do the things I thought he should. He didn’t get that he had a role to play in the script I’d written in my mind and heart. He didn’t even know his lines!

How dare he let me down like that? How dare he not do the things around the house that seemed so obvious to me? How dare he not pull his weight in the relationship?

So what else could I do? I jumped in and did it. After all, these are things that have to be done and done right. You know the saying, if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. So I did!

I did everything. I had to. No one else would. I took care of the kids, the house—everything. And I worked so hard to get things just right and either he didn’t notice or the kids just undid it all so that I had to do all over again.

Life wasn’t fair. Why didn’t he get that if he would just do things the way I wanted and was there when I needed him, life would be so much easier.

Let’s fast forward to a little ways into my marriage. We’d moved to Switzerland because of a work opportunity for my husband. Things started out great, then went from bad to worse. The weight of the world on my shoulders effectively doubled.

I walked into my new church one day and was approached by a soft-spoken woman. She handed me a piece of paper about a group called 1Peter3, a group for women married to unbelievers. I joined immediately and we studied the book Beloved Unbeliever together.

God began to open my eyes through this and another Bible study, Experiencing God. Not to see my husband’s faults and lack, but to see my own. I began to see how much I pressure I had put upon my marriage and my husband through my expectations. I backed off, reassessed, and started to painfully change the way I talked to my husband. I became aware of my words. My marriage began to improve greatly as God taught me to respect my husband.

Still, there was this pattern that seemed to show up. Things would go great for a while and then go down the drain again. Why? Why did this keep coming back? Why did we keep getting stuck in this place? I’d done pretty well in communicating my needs and helping to understand what I was saying without being condemning, so why did the same issues keep cropping up?

One day I was walking into my kitchen. Maybe I was praying, I don’t clearly remember. What I do remember was a very clear and sudden thought.

“It’s not him who has to change, it’s me. It’s not his perceptions that need adjustment, it’s mine.”

Like a light bulb bursting with light, this truth exploded in my head and did a number on my heart. I realized I had let go of my expectations of what I wanted and had replaced them with negative expectations. The kind where you expect your spouse to do what he’s always done, to disappoint you the way he always done, to let you down the way he’s always done.

I’d placed these negative expectations on my husband, ones he could actually meet, but never gave him a chance to do anything else. The problem was, each one added a brick to that wall around me, the one I thought would keep me from feeling the hurt of being let down. And my poor guy kept bouncing into it, feeling as if he could never do anything right.

It’s a vicious cycle. It destroys marriages. It destroys people.

I had to tear down the bricks and it would take a while. First, I had to break this habit of negative expectations that I’d developed and see in my husband the potential God had created in him. Until I did, my husband would never become the man God had fashioned him to be. And two, I had to rebuild trust in our marriage. I had to show my husband I believed in him, that I truly supported him, and trusted him. Respected him.

My desire to change my husband shifted to a desire to change me. I wanted to change. I needed to change. I was desperate for freedom! I prayed for God to change me, to change my heart, to change my thinking, and to help me love my husband the way Jesus loves him.

God took my pain and desire and used it to tear down the walls I had built around my emotions. He freed me from lies and bad habits and showed me how to affirm, appreciate and out-love my husband.

Friends, this is not easy to share with you. I have no shame admitting my path because I know God has forgiven and redeemed me and my past. But to write this out brings me tears. It’s not been an easy journey. It’s been painful but so worth it!

God is gracious, kind and faithful. I shared in our Weekend Devo what my husband did for me last week. That is not how it’s always been. It has taken work and time to reach this place of where I can love him without expectation and the more I do—the more I love my husband through Jesus—the more our marriage has healed and thrived.

For so many years I wanted my guy to fit a mold that I had created for the perfect husband. To finally release him from that and to just love and appreciate the man he is, and then to out-love him as we’ve been doing here, brought something from his mouth I thought I would never hear. He actually referred to a task that needed to be done in our home as a “job for him, a husband’s job.” Something I never would have imagined I’d hear him say.

I still stumble at times and God is quick to show me and pick me up so I can apologize to my husband. The results of this journey are still coming in. I’ve changed dramatically and my husband has responded in so many unexpected ways. Now he’s starting to out-love me. That was never my motivation for out-loving him. I wanted only to be obedient to God for the sake of my husband’s future salvation, to show him Jesus.

The world will tell you that your perfect mate will meet your every need. God will tell you that He is all that you need and will show that He’s already met your every need in His Son Jesus. When we live in this truth, we are free to love Jesus and everyone He puts in our path. We truly love because He first loved us.

God sees your desires and efforts, your pain and struggles in your marriage. He wants to show you a better way. Ask him. He’s just waiting for you to make the first move.

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Weekend Devo — God's Timing

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him. — Psalm 37:7

The biggest challenge we often have is patience, wouldn't you say? I see this all the time in others and in myself. We want things to change now, to get better, get easier, go smoother. But what if we knew those very changes we're so impatient wouldn't be as effective if they happened in our time frame? 

Our October challenge has the potential to bring amazing changes in our marriages. Some we'll see fairly quickly, others may take a while. So let's keep going and trust God not only in the results but in the timing as well. His plan and timing are always best. Amen?

Praying and believing,
Dineen 

The Silent Talker

So far, we’ve been talking about our words—how we use them and even when. I have to share with you that early on in my marriage, I didn’t always use my words wisely when I did speak up, but my biggest issue was not speaking up at all.

Instead I held things in, choosing my own discomfort over dealing with a conflict or disagreement. I swallowed hurts at times that should have been expressed or shared in good ways in order to seek resolution.

If you’re a “stuffer” like me, you know what happens eventually. You blow like a volcano, spewing your resentment and anger on anyone who happens to be around. I functioned this way for many years and my family likened my outbursts to a small volcano that occasionally blew just enough to let off some steam. They even had me pegged down to how long between outbursts.

The thing is, I didn’t like being that volcano. Even in the middle of a “steam release,” I can recall asking myself, “Why am I doing this?” The lesson I painfully learned was that though we had spans of what seemed like peaceful times, the waters beneath my seemingly calm exterior were slowly reaching critical mass.

The reason I’m sharing this is to make a distinction between being a doormat and actually speaking when something needs to be said. Sometimes we’re put in a position where we do need to let our spouse know they crossed a boundary, when something they said hurt our feelings, or when something they promised they would do didn’t get done.

But it comes down to how we speak up and what our attitude is. No matter how good our marriage might be, it’s not easy living with another person on a daily basis. Roommates can be changed, marriages can’t (or shouldn’t). So how do we communicate in ways that bring understanding and edification at the same time?

Let’s look at what God has to say:

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. — Ephesians 4:14-16 (emphasis mine)

This is a great piece of Scripture, because even though Paul is referring to spreading the Good News, it’s a model for all communication. When our motivation and attitude stem from a desire to speak truth in order to bring understanding and peace, when we speak from a place of concern not only for ourselves but for the other person as well, we’ve shifted from a place of blame to partnership.

In marriage this is critical. It’s what I call a “we mentality.” As opposed to an “I mentality,” where we wind up speaking out of anger and resentment.

Let’s look at another great peace of Scripture:

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:6

Again, Paul is referring to how the disciples were to speak to “outsiders,” how they were to witness to unbelievers.

My friends, may I propose that we are in that same place? We have an “outsider” in our very homes on a daily basis. How much more critical is it that we speak words full of grace and seasoned with salt?

Speaking the truth in love means expressing our care, our hurt, our frustration with the goal of bringing peace. Instead of seeing our spouse as the enemy in these moments, what if we spoke with the goal to restore the “we” in our marriage? What if we spoke with the objective to bring understanding and to find a mutual solution? What if we spoke with the mind and heart of Christ so that our spouse would have the opportunity to witness what that is?

Yes, sometimes it is best to not speak but other times, we need to in order to help our spouse grow and learn. Just as we need to. This is part of the function of marriage, as iron sharpens iron, we are helping each other to grow into better people. Marriage is teamwork.

This does not mean keeping our mouths shut and not speaking up when a boundary has been crossed, nor does it mean we are in a place to become critical and confrontational. It means we consider our words and motivations, then pray before speaking.

There are still times that I have to remind myself that I need to say something. No more stuffing! And there are times that as the words are coming across my lips, that I literally rephrase because I realize my words convey an “I” mentality instead of a “we.”

We are not perfect. Neither is our spouse. But as Paul says in Ephesians 4, “speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” In all things, I want to grow up to be like Christ. How about you?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Living With The Enemy

I'm also writing at the Cafe - Marriage Counter today.

Living With The Enemy.

Lynn

Weekend Devo — Going to Bed Angry?

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. — Ephesians 4:26-27

A friend told me about this particular verse being the topic of discussion on a Christian radio station. It peaked my interest for sure, because this is something my husband and I have been very intentional about throughout our 24 years of marriage. 

We don't go to bed angry.

This works for the most part, but occasionally there will be an issue that can't be solved in one discussion. Those are the times we agree to return to the subject when we have a better solution, but even then, the anger is disappated and we are back to that "we" mentality.

Sometimes that's not easy, but I do believe this has helped our marriage immenseley. Anger has a nasty way of festering in the mind and heart, especially overnight. I don't know why but obviously God does, or I don't think He would have been so specific with this Scripture. 

What do you think? Do you make a point of resolving conflict before going to bed? Or at least agree to disagree?

Praying and believing,
Dineen