I have contemplated and prayed, struggled and contemplated about writing about what I’m about to share with you. Why? Because I don’t really understand what to do with it. I don’t know what it means and the implications to this ministry. But, I’m compelled to share with you my tiny story of recent.
There are many of you who are in deep spiritual battles fighting against the very darkness that lives in your own home. There are many of you, my sweet friends, who have waited and waited for your spouse to change but he/she remains distant from God. Many of you cry in the closet alone.
I too, lived where many of you live right now. I spent years wandering around, stuck and unsure if God was even hearing my prayers. So today, I want you to know these years that you battle, feel stuck and unheard by God, they are precious. There is not a word spoken to God that He doesn’t hear. There is much that He is teaching you that you do not conceive right now. He is at work if you are sold out for Him.
How do I know? Because I have lived it. The hard, brutal reality of all of it. I understand you and because of that I live with a burning Holy passion to encourage you to keep on walkin’ it out because nearing the end is beyond astonishing, beyond joyful, ……just beyond. (I’m lost for a descriptive here.)
So I’m taking you with me back a few weeks. Listen in as my husband joins me in the kitchen after returning from work at the end of the day following a business meeting.
“Hey, how’d it go?” I smile as I glance up from the cutting board where I’m chopping veggies for dinner.
He walks around the kitchen island to the pile of mail on the end and begins shuffling through the envelopes. I continue to chop. The television is on and it’s a normal, everyday evening for the Donovan Clan. At least that’s what I think as I chop a giant red pepper form my garden.
He looks up from the pile, “A guy I know from the company was at the meeting today. He grabbed me during a break and told me about a new position that could be potentially opening up and was very interested in my application.”
I stop chopping. Look at him. He’s nonchalantly telling me about this enormous, great new job opportunity. My eyes light up in pride and I intently listen as he goes further to describe the position. I watch as I see the tiniest glint of excitement in his eyes. Understand this about my man, he is v-e-r-y low-key.
“Wow, that’s really great honey. What happens now?”
Now here is where my world spins crazy.
He looks casually at me and says in his nonchalant style, “This would be a really great opportunity. So I closed my eyes in the meeting and prayed about it. I hope no one noticed my eyes were shut.”
I don’t even remember if I said anything back to that sentence because the implications sent my mind reeling.
So my friends, here I am. On several occasions over the past year my husband has said to me that he prays. What does this mean? He must believe “someone” is up there listening? Is it Jesus or God? I’m too scared to ask him about it right now. I’m not ready for whatever the answer could or might be. I hope you understand this. It’s scary after years and years waiting to find out he believes or worse he really doesn’t. But he is praying on his own, without my prompting. And in my heart I absolutely believe if you ask him, he would say he talks with Jesus.
The next day I described this exchange with Dineen. Her words to me were profound and I haven’t been able to remove them from my mind. She said in the sweetest voice, “Our men are coming to faith but it isn’t like what we imagined.”
I was struck hard with this truth. My man IS coming to faith. It is not what I imagined nor at the pace I would have chosen but my friends, MY FRIENDS, it’s happening.
So here is my dilemma. I told God that I would be willing to surrender this ministry any time He said and especially when my husband comes to faith. So I’m in this weird place. My husband believes in some way, he believes. I now claim this because of his consistency to tell me he prays. But he isn’t sold out about church. Doesn’t want to be baptized. Really he isn’t likely to ever fit the “typical man at church” mold. But does any of that matter to God?
I’m thinking perhaps not.
I don’t know what God’s plan is for me if in fact my husband chooses not to be baptized nor to read his Bible. I don’t know what God has in store for my husband’s baby faith. But I do know I will always, always pray for him.
Today I accept this truth: I will ALWAYS be spiritually mismatched in that my faith journey began so long ago. I’ve walked years with Jesus and have traveled the through the valleys of disappointment, struggle, loneliness to come out on the other side KNOWING that all I ever need is God’s presence. But my husband has his own journey ahead to learn what has taken me years to learn. Thus, we will always be spiritually mismatched. And today, I can say with complete honesty that I’m really okay with it.
So my friends, you who are barely floating about the waves of struggle, be encouraged because God is using you in profound ways you cannot understand or see today. But, in the years ahead you will see with such clarity it will bring you to your knees in such adoration and praise that tears of joy will flow and the world will know that the God of the universe loves us beyond our wildest imagination.
Thank you all of you in this amazing community for walking this road with me. You are my treasure. My heart. Love, Lynn