To Be or Not to Be...Unequally Yoked

Hello there and welcome to this week's Open Forum question! Just a note to our readers and commenters...we're are working through your questions in the order that the Holy Spirit leads so please don't think we've overlooked anyone. More than anything our goal is to keep God in the driver seat here at SUM. And please feel free to leave any questions today for future posts. We're here to serve you!

This week's question is from Caroline:

"Thank you for your blog which has been of great insight and inspiration to me. Would you also give some thoughts or advice to someone who is/has been in a deep relationship with someone who is not really a believer, though not yet married to this person. Congratulations on the good work that the Lord has led you both to do. I am a newcomer to the blog and I have been blessed very much these past months from your sharing."

Lynn's Answer: From time-to-time I receive emails from young men and women who are engaged  or in a relationship with an nonbeliever. In fact, just last week an email arrived from - I will call her Jane. Her email was similar to Caroline's question. Jane has given me permission to share my reply.

Oh Jane, My dear sweet friend....

This is a very difficult question to answer. I can only share with you what I have experienced in my life.

For many, years I was unhappy and the loneliness seemed unbearable at times. When you are unequally yoked there is a deep need in you to share your Jesus with your husband. Mine didn't want to have anything to do with Jesus and often made me feel stupid or insecure about my faith. I shed a lot of tears.

With that said, we have now found a peace about my faith and my husband has closed the distance between him and Christ. However, he still remains uncommitted.

Where I think we struggle besides the loneliness is in raising kids. This seems to be a giant area for conflict in a mismatched marriage. With these things in mind, talk with God about your future with your fiancé. Then talk with your fiancé, ask him about how you will handle church - going or not going. How to handle raising the children to have faith... Then let the Lord direct you. If you are getting that weird feeling in your heart or stomach, please listen to it. Living unequally yoked is challenging but can be done and you can be happy. However, it often comes with a high cost. Sometimes it is worth the price and sometimes it is not.

O Lord our God, I hold up Jane before your throne with Jesus at our side. Lord, this is a critical time in this beautiful woman's life. She is desperately in love with you and with her fiancé. God, I know this place and it is hard to hear your voice. Please, Lord, make a clear path for Jane. Lead her to happiness and a long loving relationship with you and with her future spouse. Lord, I pray that if this is the man for Jane you would intervene and save this man for the Kingdom before their marriage. Lord, give Jane wisdom and courage to follow your will for her life. I know you have fantastic plans for Jane. Bigger than she can even dream up right now. Keep her in the very palm of your hand. In Jesus powerful and life-changing name, Amen

Jane, write me anytime. I hope my words here are not too painful but truly helpful to see your way clear to your future. God bless you.

Love and hugs, Lynn

Dineen's Answer: Great question, Caroline. And this is one of the hardest questions we get asked here at SUM. First, let's take a look at the Scriptural reference to the topic:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." — 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (NIV)

Paul takes a very clear stance on this issue. And this applies to all areas—business partners, marriage...people we allow to influence our lives. And there's a good reason for this. Living out our faith in this fallen world is tough enough as it is. Adding an unbelieving influence in our lives creates turmoil and can even lead us away from our faith. God is not calling us to isolate ourselves from unbelievers, otherwise we'd never get to share his grace and mercy. This refers to a relationship where two people are "yoked" by a commitment or contract.

So my answer to you, Caroline, and how I wish I could speak to you in person on this, is to really encourage you to pray for God to show you if this is a relationship you should continue. I certainly would discourage you from moving into a marriage to an unbeliever without doing this first, and exploring the questions (and future issues) Lynn suggested above.

But let me tell you that even if he takes no issue with this aspect of your life now, he could later. I've been married to my husband for 21 years, 13 of them unequally yoked. It's harder NOW than ever. Think about your relationship with God, what your faith means to who and what you are. Consider this carefully. Now think about how you feel when you can't share the essence of who you are or are becoming.

This is the true heartache of a SUM. On a spiritual level there is no connection with that other person. You can't share the moments you see God working in your life, you can't ask the person nearest and dearest to you for godly wisdom, or even to pray for you. In this sense, you wind up alone in the marriage and the relationship. The burden of this need has to fall on Christ, which, to be honest, sometimes lacks flesh, if you know what I mean. You find there's a part of yourself, a very important part, that you just can't share because he doesn't understand and can't comprehend what they don't know. It's as simple as that. There's also a lot of spiritual warfare in this kind of marriage because you, the believer, are on the front lines to an unbeliever. The battle will even overlap onto your children.

This is what I've found to be true in my own marriage. Let me be clear though. I adore my husband. People look at him and how he lives and wonder how he can't be a Christian, but he's not. He's a firm atheist.

Will I love my husband for better or for worse? For richer or poorer? Or in sickeness or in health? You bet I will! I'm totally and completely devoted to this guy, and I praise God for putting us together despite the faith disconnect we experience now. God has used my marriage and my hubby to make me more Christ-like. I've had to walk that path in particular to not only survive but to THRIVE in my marriage. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work, a lot of heartache, and a whole lot of prayers. (Our two girls are firm believers and pray for their dad too.)

Most importantly, Caroline, be obedient to God. Lynn and I can't tell you what to do. We can only share our own experiences with you and what we've learned. And if anything, we've come to learn that first and foremost, obedience to God is the key. No matter what situation you're in.

I hope this helps. My prayer is that our words are received with the intentions behind them, to speak the truth in love. Not to judge or condemn in any way.

Praying and believing, Dineen

Comments

[Noreen]

Great answers girls. I would echo them as well and I'm coming up on 31 yrs in June. Blessings and hugs to you both as well as Carolyn and Jane.
In His Grace alone,
Noreen

[gretchen]

I couldn't have added a thing. SUM is not something I recommend, but of course we're living proof that God does good works in less than ideal circumstances.

Still, when I counsel my children towards dating, I will follow a wise friend's example. She tells her son not to date anyone that he can't imagine as marriage material. That includes faith as a huge priority.

None of this is easy, is it? But He didn't promise easy. He promised eternal life.

Hugs to Caroline and to Lynn and Dineen. As always, I come away blessed.

[Rosheeda]

I'm gonna step out on a limb here. I have been in a relationship with someone for quite a while now and while he IS a believer, until very recently, there was little evidence of that; I, in fact, considered that very seriously and prayed very diligently over whether or not to continue our relationship. I did so for two reasons: 1) I know that he actually IS a Believer, even though his conduct wasn't lining up. and 2) The Lord said so. And He said it very clearly and specifically to me. In various ways.

It is actually around that time that I found SUM and joined 1P3, at Lynn's invitiation to better navigate the waters, because I was failing alone. Seriously failing. Those women have held me accountable and caused me to really consider our relationship and know that I know that I know that I'm hearing the Lord and not just doing what I want. They have prayed for us and encouraged me like nothing else. And we are seeing the fruit in our relationship. We are also JUST NOW (six years after we started seeing eachother) considering marriage, because we both needed to be at a place spiritually where we are growing and desiring the same things for our life.

All that said (and I hope I'm not overstepping here), I'd sy pray pray pray. I'd say do not go against God's word.If you are in a growing relationship with the Father, the truth of His Word is plain.If he is not a believer, at this point to marry him would be to disobey. If he IS a believer, seek the Lord and wait on His timing. Confide in a few people you know hear the Lord and who you can trust. Make yourself accountable to them and really be willing to consider their encouragements & exhortations to you.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh; I just wanted to share from the perspective of someone in a somewhat unique situation. Be encouraged, because God's answer might surprise you. Go slowly and allow Him the freedom to change your plans...

in His love and because of His grace,
Ro

[Denise]

Blessings to you sweet ones.

[Dineen Miller]

Thank you, Ladies! Gretchen and Ro, beautiful comments. You ladies are awesome examples. Thank you SO much for sharing.

[Caroline]

Dear Dineen and Lynn. I do not know how to begin to thank you for your heartfelt response. I thank you with every bit of my heart. Reading your response has made me cry. It has made me feel loved by wonderful caring christian women. I think I am very vulnerable right now because the relationship has hit a very hard part and it grieves me so. I continue to make hard choices, choices that I believe are honouring God but causing great pain. I feel so special that you took the time and earnest thought to reply to my question. I feel very blessed. Thank you and the Lord bless you greatly.

[Caroline]

I would indeed love to meet you in person too Dineen! I know it would do the heart good just to talk and talk and share. But I am encouraged that we are meeting spiritually.

[Julianne]

Not much to add, all of you women have given great insights. Lynn and Dineen gave you much to consider. I do want to add another aspect that I have not yet seen mentioned. Be on guard for an unbeliever to become a believer so you will marry him. That is often not a true heart change, but we women tend to get so excited over such things and put our faith in it, instead of the Living God.

Also, if a man claims to be a believer, you still need to see him walk out the walk and not just talk the talk for quite some time before you know it is real (a couple of years is NOT too long). I speak this from experience...it hurts very deeply to think you are married to a very godly man and then see him return to his old self like a dog returns to his vomit! Especially when you have children who have seen him talk and walk one way and then do a 180 and expose them to so much ugliness of the world you two once agreed would never happen. It is like being married to a complete stranger.

Love, hugs, and prayers with all of you!

[rhonda]

Thank you so much for this encouraging post!! I am currently walking in loneliness and utter emptiness being married to an unbeliever... I was so madly and deeply in love with this man when we first met and then married. However, over the last 7 years those feelings have dwindled down to disappointment and constant heartache... I am in continual prayer for renewal, for his salvation and a lifting of these dark skies... I know that I am in a daily spiritual battle, fighting for myself, my children and my husband. A am battle-weary!

I am encouraged by your postings, thank you for having a broken heart.. hugs!

[Angela (Ang4him)]

Lynn & Dineen - Amazing as always, I can hear the Lord speaking through the two of you. This post brought tears to my eyes, especially your description of what a SUM looks/feels like Dineen. You described it perfectly.

Rhonda - I just want you to know I'm lifting you up in prayer. I know EXACTLY where you are at and I know many women here do as well. I was there just over a year ago. While my husband is still not a believer, the Lord has renewed my love for him and made it even stronger than before. Part of the support He gave me over the past year has been here at SUM and 1P3. Take heart, keep praying and put all your trust and faith in Jesus. He will hold you up through these times if you continue to run to Him. Even when it seems like you are all alone, He is there with you, His tears mingling with yours.

[Nicole N]

OOOh sooo glad I found this post tonight. I'm telling my sister to check this one out. She's engaged and uneasy about his faith. What a blessing as usual!!!!!

[Dineen Miller]

Caroline, I'm so glad you came by. I've been praying for you and that our words would minister to you. OR rather, God would use us and our words to minister to you and guide you.

Such beautiful comments. I'm so touched by the community we have here. You all are so awesome!!!

[Caroline]

Dineen, I appreciate so much that you have been praying for me. It means the world to me. The good Lord guide You with this tender hand each day. God is definitely using you and Lynn to minister and guide me. I send you lots of hugs filled with love.

[Rob]

Other than the Bible, does anyone have any book suggestions for this topic?

I am looking to pass out some books to couples in our church as outreach and don't know of any resources that God might use to lead an unbelieving spouse to His Word.

In Christ,
Rob

[Please Help]

Please bear with me as I may ramble. I am frustrated, confused and need to vent as well as seek Godly advice and counsel.

I am in a disintegrating, almost dead relationship that started when I was saved but backslidden and very unfamiliar with God's word.

He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We bought a house together (you see where the problem began) and then I called off the wedding and refused because I started growing in leaps and bounds spiritually, and I felt he wanted no part of growing together. Frankly, I got scared.

So, I became chaste (against his will), we've become essentially roommates (separate spaces in the house) and I guess my hope was that he would draw closer to God.

I am heartsick at what we have become, on the verge of getting my own space (I have wanted to but it is very tough in this economy and I have no family support system), which he is encouraging because he wants to move on.

To me, I guess separation would be in the hopes of reuniting, and it looks like for him it's the end.

I know he loved me once, and in many ways still does. But he's very bitter. All I wanted was for him to love God more than he loves me and show that in his walk. And I fear (knowing what I know now) that instead of trying to win him with conversation, I should've just married him and walked it out as an example to him.

In short, I love him and it's so hard to reap what I have sown, even in ignorance.

I know I am rambling, and I know God's grace is sufficient, and that this situation is far from ideal and needs to change.

I know God is ultimately in control and will work everything out for good, but I'm also so weary and confused (which is not God) from so many people weighing in with judgment, condemnation, opinions without knowing facts and little to no Bible on the matter, other that the phrase 'unequally yoked' interspersed with repeated, disapproving references to 'shacking.' I get that, and am trying to move on and improve, not wallow in guilt and condemnation without solutions.

I guess my concern is, should I have married him and let God work on him, or am I right to have 'put my foot down' as much as possible within my circumstances?

I find very few resources on marital engagement and changes in sexual activity and spiritual maturity after commitment but prior to marriage.

He is not an unbeliever of a different faith. He says he's saved, goes to church in spurts, but doesn't seem to put God first or care about growing in Christ.
Any thoughts or resources would be greatly appreciated.

I know my ignorance and disobedience have got me where I am ... but I also know that God can and will use this experience to His glory and that He is not finished with me yet.

I want to learn as much as I can that I should've known before getting into this mess so that a) I don't ever repeat this and b) I can help others in this situation.

Thanks, and God bless.