What's In Your Camp?

This scripture started it all:

Deuteronomy 23:14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

If you remember I began this journey back in April and we have looked at what is indecent in our camp and can those indecent items –attitudes- be a cause for the Lord to turn away from us.

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Idol story – Subtle Stealing
Part V
(Click to read previous posts)

A couple of posts back I told you we would explore something indecent which is prevalent today and has very easy access to our homes; pornography. I have been researching this subject and have asked the psychologist I work with here at Spiritually Unequal Marriage a few questions.

Interview with Rebecca Saville:

Lynn: I am thrilled to Welcome Rebecca to Spiritually Unequal Marriage again to continue our conversation about pornography.

Rebecca Saville has a Masters in Social Work and has been a counselor for 14 years. She is a deeply committed Christian and a mother of three. She has been married to a Navy Chaplain for 18 years. Interview with Rebecca Saville:

Part III

Lynn: Is it possible to become free from pornography?

Rebecca: A third person must be involved to help recover the marriage by uncovering the reasons for his sexual immorality. There must be a Covenant to work together on this problem that is pulling you apart. The wife must work through forgiveness and express appropriate sexuality. There are computer guards that protect against the internet invading your home like Net Nanny.

There are marriage courses like “I Promise” which are effective in guiding through a restoration process. There are books and online resources. There is no acceptable level of porn. Just like an alcoholic cannot drink just one. After one drink he immediately reverts to the level of need before he stopped drinking. In the same way engaging in pornography is progressive; the appetite becomes insatiable.

Imagine a hula-hoop around you; inside your hoop you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and decisions. Your husband has his own hoop where he is responsible for his thoughts, feelings, actions, and decisions. Impurity is a habit that he chooses, not a sickness, not an imbalance. Therefore, if your man knows your deep desire for him to be free of sexual sin, then you need to allow him to work on the change. You will not be able to coerce, bribe, or seduce him into changing; that’s his decision. You may provide an incentive.

For some of you, the problem is so bad that you may choose to leave until he is working seriously on his addiction. He may not make the choice you want him to, but you can’t be responsible for his actions . . . only for your own. There is hope. There’s lots of help through counseling, support groups, churches. He’s got to do battle which requires sacrifice, intensity, and honor. Men climb out of the precipice and find victory.

I have found online resources to help you learn more and how to cope if you are living with this issue in marriage. Check out:

Bebroken.com
Troubledwith.com

Lord, God, on our knees we ask you to stir, in the hearts of our men, a mighty character. Lord, give them strength when temptation arises. Stir within them a desire to be men of honor. In Jesus name, Amen.

Be Blessed, Lynn

Next Friday we will start a new topic. As I type these words and am open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I can't wait to see where the Lord leads us. Hugs!!!

Comments

[Dineen Miller]

Awesome prayer, Lynn! Amen!!!

[Anonymous]

Rebecca, I really enjoyed reading your next installments on the porn issue. They are really good!

This morning I woke up thinking about a couple of other topics related to a woman facing porn in her household:

What does it feel like when a woman wrestles with the reality of porn in her marriage? "Discovering that your husband is into pornography is like being in a boxing ring with every negative emotion you've ever had. Anger, embarassment, shock, shame, disgust--and all their nasty cousins--take turns punching and slugging you, until you crumple to the floor in a heap. Even when you are down, they continue to pummel you. Pain clouds your vision. You can't see which emotion hit you last, nor do you care. You only know you want the beating to stop. And...you believe the way to make it stop is to DO something. But before you DO anything, you must first THINK something...pornography is a battle for the mind....you must make sure your own thinking is right." (Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus in "Intimate Issues," page 148.)

Pornography invading a marriage puts the woman into a battle zone (or a boxing ring!). The enemy doesn't fight fair. He goes straight to your emotions, identity, and pride. In other words, your heart. He wants to kill you. So the woman can choose to believe his slippery lies, then crumple up and feel sorry for herself (in other words, let the beating continue), or she can put her fatigues on and clean and sharpen her weapons! Proverbs 5:3-5 says, "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave." Something or someone is going to die here. It's going to be you, your marriage, or him. BUT, if a woman fights and thinks and prays, maybe it can be the lie and the sin that die by the power of God, instead of someone that you love!

In marriage, the use of porn may feel like it indicates a deficiency in the woman, but really it points to a deficiency in the man. In "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge, on page 91-92, he writes "Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there's the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn't even know you had...Pornography is so seductive because what is a wounded, famished man to think when there are literally hundreds of beauties willing to give themselves to him? (Of course, it's not just to him, but when he's alone with the photos, it feels like it's just for him)."

Your husband may seem like a big offending jerk right now, and he is, =) but he is also like a child in the eyes of God. And he is being targeted by the enemy of his soul, just like you. Can you think of him as a little boy? Wounded or lost? Confused or frightened? We don't like to think of our men like this because we want them to protect us and rescue us. But men can use pornography for control, similar to the way that women use bulemia or anorexia for control. When life is out of control, we grab what we can and squeeze. When it's too painful, we go straight for self-preservation. Porn-using is selfish. Again to borrow from John Eldredge in the same book on page 187, "Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of he beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography-- enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman; he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength, as I've said, because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing and takes everything." Right now, your husband is acting like a selfish, scared little boy, not yet a man who puts his wife before himself and lays down his life for her as God asks him to.

I remember being really mad at God for "making men" so sexually charged..."Why did YOU make them this way!!!!!??" But whenever I read the Bible, he is fighting for the woman. Asking the man to step up and defend her, protect her, serve her. To be a warrior and fight for her! But here you (the woman) are...on the battlefield all by yourself with a big scary dragon tearing you apart with his claws and teeth and shooting wave upon wave of fiery breath into your soul. Where is your MAN? The answer to that is that Jesus is your man. He is your husband, your valiant knight. Your protector and shield, like it says in the Psalms. He will not fail you. He is the ULTIMATE hero for you, little princess.

We are insufficient for the intensity of the warfare. These are the hearts of men that the enemy is fighting for, and you are the beauty. You are lovely, and Jesus will fight for you. I love Malachi 2 in the Old Testament: "You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant...So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth."

Hold on. Wait through the pain, don't run from it. If you run, you will be exposed to enemy fire. You must hide yourself in Jesus' tent, so you will be out of the enemy's reach. Cover your head with your hands lifted up in prayer. If you try to fight it alone, you will get scorched by the breath of the dragon. Hold on. Wait quietly and listen to the the Lord's voice of Truth as the battle rages near you. If the enemy comes near your tent to taunt you, torture you, shame you, or threaten you-- cry at the top of your voice, so your Prince of Peace will come running to you. And remember, as my mom always says, "It won't always feel like this!"