One Scarred Hand to the Other

Fear.

That’s what God told me to write about this week. To be honest, I don’t really know what to say about it, other than I seem to be battling it more at the moment than I ever have before.

I learned at an early age to be confident, even if I had to fake it. An insecure childhood taught me how to “pretend” this state to the point that I could almost believe it myself. I remember one of my first prayers to God after He’d put me back on my journey of faith was to be authentic. I wanted to be real.

Yet now, after all the years of persistence in obtaining this authenticity, I suddenly find myself tempted to pretend again. Makes me think of some of the lines from the Casting Crowns song, East to West.

I don't want to end up where You found me

I really don’t want to go back to that place I used to be. I don’t want to return to that person who knew only how to rely on herself and no one else. I don’t want to go back.

'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again

I don’t want to be a woman who lives in fear. Afraid to fail, afraid to try, afraid to hope. No, there’s more. There has to be.

Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I already know this will be a critical year. God has shown me this and reminded me again just the other day. He’s promised to do great things in my life. He’s promised to reward my obedience. He’s promised to be by my side all the way. He’s promised that this will be the year that my husband comes to Christ.

So what am I so afraid of? Is this me or the enemy trying to interfere with what God’s calling me to do?

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again

Perhaps in my deepest inadequacy, God’s strength will shine the brightest. This is what I’m grasping onto as I face questions from my husband regarding the Bible and the Old Testament Laws. These are questions that send me running to the Bible and God for answers, because I know I don’t have them.

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I love that last line most of all. Because through it, I see that all I have to do right now is hold on and let him do the rest. His hands are more than adequate.

Scars and all.

Comments

[Denise]

Precious, so precious.

[Tami Boesiger]

Wow. That's a HUGE revelation from God regarding this year. No wonder you feel fearful. If I were you I'd be anxious about two things. What if I heard wrong and this isn't "the year"? It would be so hard to handle that disappointment. And secondly, what if I mess this up? What if I don't handle this assignment correctly?

But you've find the right solution. You can only hang on tight to our Lord. Praying God will supply that spirit of power and love and self-discipline to combat the one of timidity and fear.

[Cheryl]

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. You are doing what God wants you to do, now let Him do the rest and you just relax and watch the show. You are a wonderful writer. I love the way you put things into words. Your post is a blessing to me. Keep praying. God Bless!

[Lynn]

Wow Dineen,

I think we all battle fear in many ways but those of us walking in a spiritual mismatch know the eternal consequences.

The enemy always uses fear to destroy our progress or get in the way of our faith in God. You word of God is firm keep trusting and rest in the security of the scarred hands. Awesome post.

BTW, God place your husband on my heart this morning and I prayed again for his salvation and a personal relationship with Jesus. Love you, Lynn

[heather]

I wrote something very similar to this about 5 years ago, and that year was one of many mistakes on my part and many changes in our family and only God was able to bring about the end results that He did from all the chaos my mistakes brought. I tried to hard to do things myself , even knowing that that was my way of doing things and that I needed to rely on Him. I messed up big time because I was so SURE. The ending was anti-climatic and yet so peaceful and right and things have gone smoothly in the right direction since. BE careful. BE wary. Satan WILL try to use this time to twist things in a new way which you think to be of God.This is a year to lean back on God and TRUST, only acting when He tells you to--and don't be surprised if it doesn't go the way you expect, or if you find that YOU are the cause or result of the brokenness that occurs. More likely than not you will find that the big changes that occur will happen in YOU and only then will He work on your husband.

God is good and He has a good plan. I am not trying to discourage you but have been in your shoes and misinterpreted things sufficiently to make a mess of everything only to have God lift both my husband and I (now sufficiently humbled) out of the ashes, and it was only then that He began work on my husband. (And I too had many rallied around me who saw and heard what God had revealed and were in awe of what He was doing.)

[Heather]

Thank you for sharing. Puts me in mind of a verse that tells us that when we are weak, He is strong.
"Therefore I am content with 1 weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties 2 for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:10

[Rosheeda]

Dineen -

God is just so sweet to His children. It always makes me know how real He is to see how He reveals things to His children who care to know His secrets. I'm praying for you guys - and you, particularly, because the warfare that comes with this level of faith is something to experience. You can do all things through Him. He gives you strength.

Rosheeda

[Praise and Coffee]

Beautiful honest post Dineen.
The waiting can be so hard. I have walked through it with dear friends, but the wonderful thing is that we don't have to wait for Him to be our All in All.

He is so faithful.
Sue

[Tracy]

Dineen,
What a beautiful post. Thank you for your honesty and authenticity.

When I was reading, I thought of another Casting Crowns song, "The Voice of Truth."

Oh what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy you'll never win!"

BUT THE VOICE OF TRUTH TELLS ME A DIFFERENT STORy
THE VOICE OF TRUTH SAyS, "DO NOT BE AFRAID!"
AND THE VOICE OF TRUTH SAyS, "THIS IS FOR My GLORy!"
OUT OF ALL THE VOICES CALLING OUT TO ME
I WILL CHOOSE TO LISTEN AND BELIEVE THE VOICE OF TRUTH.

Praying for you and your husband.
Love,
Tracy

[Amy]

Waiting for our spouse...wow I can definitely relate to that. I spent 12 years praying for my husband and it was SO tough. Many times I wanted to just give up but thank goodness God has always been faithful and full of mercy. I also think that alot of time we want things to happen in our time but it's not until we look back and realise why it didn't happen when we wanted.

[Iris]

Powerful devotion, Dineen. I so love that song and it has ministered to me a lot over the past three months.
Yes, I don't want to be either the woman I once was. But like you said - in our weakness, He will show His strength.

Thank you for sharing from your heart.

Blessings to you and yours.

[Denise]

(((Dineen)))

Thank you for your honesty.

Fear is real and it is a weapon used against us. We must stand on Truth and lie in wait. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Sometimes, I think, if we are not afraid, we are not humble enough. In this way, God can take what Satan proffers and use it for His good.

love,
Denise
(shaking in her boots)

[Nike Chillemi]

Dineen -

Thank you for your openess.

I stand with you in what God has said to you that your DH will come to Christ this year. :)

[Dineen Miller]

Ladies, thank you all for your comments and support. I'm so touched by your encouragement and so grateful to God for our "community."

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your prayers, for me and for hubby. God's putting him on so many hearts lately. I'm awestruck by it all.

Tacy, I love that song too! I sing it out loud every time I hear it. LOL!

Thank you again, ladies, for letting me be so honest.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[PJ]

thanks for the good Word! I will look up that song. Amazing. Just as I have a major anxiety episode.

Thanks again. (First time visitor)

[Jeannie]

These words in this post are the exact words I have also each and everytime I hear that song from them. They are by far one of my favorite artists, and I am glad they have songs that can speak for me in ways that I know I struggle with at times. Thank you for sharing.

[Angie]

AWESOME does not adequately describe that....Incredible either...one for your book!
You speak to my heart in ways that I can't express.
Much appreciation from me to YOU!!

[Helen Bratko]

Woah, too many comments to read them all. Great post. Fear is a big obstacle for me, at times, especially when it comes to writing. And being authentic is so important. Nobody benefits from a fake. But I've been there, done that.

Thanks for your thoughts.